Don't know if I can go on

[rivergirl]

I don't know if it's the loss of my sister last week or just a progression of my depression, but the last few days I've felt increasingly more desperate and the idea of continuing to struggle seems impossible. I don't want to hurt my family, but it feels like I've exhausted all the options and I can't keep doing this any more. I could check myself into a hospital and my insurance would cover it, but I'm afraid it wouldn't help and it would just be worse when I got out and had to go back to work again. I feel terrible about myself for not managing my depression better and letting myself get to this place. I'm desperate to stop feeling so much pain. I keep thinking about taking an overdose of pain medication and whether or not I have the courage to do it. I know I've posted things like this before when I felt desperate and I apologize for once again posting something so negative. I want my life to have value and to uplift other people but I think I'm at the point where I can only become a burden to others.

[oak]

This can't continue!

You deserve relief, Rivergirl.

I encourage you, kindly, to call 211 and your work EAP. Tell them what you told us. Keep telling people until you find someone who cares, and can help you.

Lots of people on this forum, starting with me, want to see you alive and happy.

You've done the right thing, posting here. You just keep using your words; that's all you have to do.

[manuel_moe_g]

Hello Rivergirl,

I'm desperate to stop feeling so much pain.

I hear you. You don't deserve this pain. We know you deserve so much better, because of who you are, who you have shown yourself to be in this forum.

I know I've posted things like this before when I felt desperate and I apologize for once again posting something so negative.

No need to apologize. You deserve to be heard. We are happy to hear you, in your most desperate time.

I want my life to have value and to uplift other people but I think I'm at the point where I can only become a burden to others.

Not a burden at all. Happy to hear you.

Please keep the lines of communication open. All best wishes to you for this your dark time.

[brownblob]

Hang in there Rivergirl. You are a godd and worthwhile person.
I know that feeling of just wanting the pain to stop.
Don't feel bad about not being able to manage your depression. It's a very tough enemy and once it gets its claws in you it just pulls you down.
Don't apologize for posting something negative. Lord knows I've posted way more negative things. The important thing is to give you an outlet to communicate your feelings.
Please take care of yourself and do whatever you have to do to be safe. If that's going to the hospital then go to the hospital.

[HowDidIGetHere]

Hi rivergirl.

I was really sorry to read about your sister. As the others have said, please do take care of yourself.

I saw a guy a while back with a quote on his T-shirt (apparently from Samuel Beckett). It said, "I can't go on. I'll go on." Some days, I think that's about the best description for life as I can think of.

Last thought: depression is an expert at perpetuating itself. That you talk about not "managing your depression better" is exactly what depression would have you think—that there's some sort of perfect person who is completely on top of their illness at all times, in all places, and under all conditions. Screw that. Depression wants us small and broken. We're all of us better than that.

We'll just have to keep reminding each other.

[rivergirl]

Still here, going on. I got a last minute appointment with my therapist the day after I posted here, and then managed to work the rest of the week. Everything feels a bit surreal, but I don't think I'm at a crisis point any longer.

I was overwhelmed reading the responses to my post. Thank you for letting me know I'm not alone in my feelings.

[ncj]

Hi, Rivergirl -

I just wanted to send a hug and send my condolences for the loss of your sister. I'm so sorry you are struggling and I am wishing you all the best. Thank you for posting and sharing.

Sending you love,

nj

[oak]

Agreed!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Le-3MIBxQTw

[rivergirl]

Thanks so much, nj.

[rivergirl]

Wow, I've heard Alabama Shakes but not that song. Thank you, Oak.