Difficult weekend

[rivergirl]

I've been doing relatively well, I think. Last weekend I attended a Japanese cherry blossom festival, and it was mostly a good week at work. Then suddenly this weekend I'm experiencing acute anxiety and depression again.

The only things I can think of that set it off are that a coworker I supervise is retiring. I've known her since I started my job and I think I'm afraid every time I lose another person from my life, even a coworker. Yesterday I attended a March for Our Lives rally. (I'm not making a political comment about that, just noting the effect it had on me.) I think being in a huge crowd of strangers and hearing speeches by survivors and relatives of those killed in mass shootings, and also relatives of those who died by gun suicides, was more than I could handle. I felt guilty that I couldn't focus on supporting others at the event, and instead got lost in my own fears.

I'm trying to just do regular activities today and get through until I go back to work tomorrow, which usually helps. I'm scared that the way I'm feeling now is the reality of my life, not the times when I feel better and feel hopeful.

I'm thankful to have a place to post this.

[E is for Elephant]

I'm sorry you've had a rough time. I get the fear that somehow your depression is the "real" thing and that sucks. I am the same way when I lose co-workers. Don't invalidate your feelings over that. We send a lot of time at work. Even when it's not someone you are super close to on a personal level, it's still losing a person that you are used to being around everyday. It's understandable that could set off some negative shit.

[oak]

Thank you for posting. I'm glad you did.

Keep us posted as to how you are doing.

[brownblob]

Just when you think you're out, it pulls you back in.
I've had similar experiences of being bothered when a coworker leaves. I've always felt stupid for feeling that way. Nobody else seems to get bothered by people leaving, so why do I?
Maybe the crowd and the speeches were overstimulating the other day.
I hope you are doing better today.

[rivergirl]

Thanks so much, E, oak, & brownblob. I'm about 70% better today. Apprehensive about next weekend, but okay for today.