Really low day

[rivergirl]

I had a terrible conversation with my brother this morning. He and his wife live only a mile away from me and our mom (she's 92 and lives with me), but I feel really excluded from their lives. We used to be very close when my nephew was younger, and they also asked me to do a lot of child care for my nephew so I saw them frequently. My mom and I moved back here to my hometown to be closer to my brother & his family, something that they welcomed at the time.

Now they literally never call me. I mentioned to my brother today that I'm still trying to recover from depression and that I miss seeing them, and it went really badly.

In the past few years I lost my long term relationship, essentially both of my sisters (one died two years ago, one is so mentally ill that I can't currently communicate with her), and I'm watching my mom's health slowly decline.

I don't know how to get through this next week, or the rest of my life. I do have a therapist and I'm on medication, and I'm doing everything I can to recover and find connections with other people, and I'm completely functional (I have a professional job). But I still have days like today where I feel so intensely alone in the world that I don't want to be here any more. I feel like I'm failing at recovering, and I must not be doing enough or the right things. I feel like there's nobody that I really matter to, other than my mom, who probably won't be around much longer.

[rivergirl]

I apologize for my depressing and dark post. I thought I was past this a while back and that it couldn't get this bad again.

rg

[oak]

No need to apologize

Your feelings and experiences are 100% valid.

How are things right now?

[snoringdog]

I checked the timestamps, and it took you a whole four minutes to apologize to us...!
Thanks, but really no need...

But seriously, I've only been posting for a month or so, but you've lent me a bit of support and encouragement that was appreciated, and that counts for something, doesn't it? If nothing else, you have a few sympathetic friends here.

May I ask about your brother? How did the conversation go? What's the dynamic there?

[brownblob]

Sorry you're in a bad spot again. I've been feeling low the last couple of weeks too.

[Heatherwantspeace]

Hi Rivergirl,
I want to throw in my support here too and a reminder that you are not alone...in feeling alone.
Sometimes it's helpful to remember that recovery isn't linear. Sometimes things are changing because they're moving or shifting, But I do hear you that things right now are feeling dreadful. I'm so sorry. Big hugs.
I hope this will lead to some honesty from your brother about what's going on so you can get closer.
I also hope today finds a glimmer of sunshine.
Heather

[rivergirl]

I'm grateful for all of the replies, snoringdog, brownblob, Heather, & oak. They make me feel a bit less alone.

Brownblob, I'm sorry to hear that you've been feeling low again. Do you know if there's anything in particular that triggered you? I hope it starts to get better for you soon.

I think that although I miss my brother and his family sometimes, the loneliness that I feel probably has the most to do with not having had a life partner for a long time. I was in a long marriage that ended when I was 40, and then was in a serious relationship that ended 4 years ago. Both times I wasn't the one who chose to end things and I was devastated.

I have a couple of people that I occasionally do things with (an old ex-boyfriend, an ex-coworker), but don't have close friends or family any longer other than my elderly mom. My life also involves a lot of time spent alone that I can't avoid, commuting to work in a large metropolitan area and working in a job that can be pretty solitary at times. I've tried a few meetup groups but it felt awkward to be in a large group of strangers. I'm hoping to get to where I feel okay enough about myself to try dating again, but I guess am feeling discouraged about getting to that point.

Hey, I'm sorry this turned out to be longer than I intended. Thanks for listening and for all of the kind words.

rg

[brownblob]

I'm sorry you feel so alone rivergirl. I get lonely and isolated enough and I do have a partner. I actually did get out of my comfort zone and did a couple of things with people from work yesterday.
I've been sliding into depression the last couple of weeks. I have never really gotten my energy back since I had surgery last year. I get tired very easily and now I am getting frustrated with myself for not getting things done. I feel like I let my partner down. I have a lifetime of self hatred in my head and I'm feeling a lot of self hatred. My job doesn't make me happy, but I know realistically I could do a lot worse.
I see my family dr this week, so they should at least run some blood tests and see if anything is off. I see my psychiatrist in a couple more weeks and I hate to start playing guinea pig with medicines again.
Anyhoo, hope you are doing ok rivergirl

[rivergirl]

Congratulations on getting together with coworkers, brownblob. It's especially hard to do when you feel like you're low on energy and mood.

I'm really sorry to hear you're not feeling well physically and mentally. It sounds like a good idea to get the physical check up just in case there's something going on. Boy, I know what you mean about feeling like a guinea pig with medications.

Self-hatred is so painful and hard to change when it gets ingrained at such an early age due to your upbringing. I think therapy has helped me with that and I'm more accepting of myself, but it still comes back intermittently. I hope you can find a little more peace with yourself at some point, and also give yourself a break about not being able to accomplish as much when you don't feel good.

Take care and hope you're doing at least ok this week too.

rg