Midlife "crisis"/assessment: thoughts

[oak]

With your kind indulgence, I'd like to post 4 or 5 thought-aggregates here today, as I go down the rabbit hole of assessing myself.

"Mid life crisis" is a parody in the wider culture, but I do want to assess who I am and where I am headed.

Thank you for letting me get this all off my chest: just seeing it here makes it a little more real, objective.

Here is a rough outline of coming posts: preliminary thoughts, where I was ten years ago, the role of this forum, concluding thoughts.

Lastly, please forgive me for not qualifying what I write hereafter with "I could lose this all", or to come across as I am saying "I am owed all these great things". In the words of Tom Petty, I am too alone to be proud.

[oak]

Preliminary Thoughts

At 43, I am demographically about halfway there. I want to avoid specific mistakes I made in the first half.

I want to:

Eat better and exercise more
Save more
Transition from job to career
Meaningful intimate life
Be more grateful

At first I chided myself for being basic.

A more generous view is that I am fully human, and these are the goals of many people, across time and space: love, security, health.

More specifically, I regret all the time I spent being angry: if I had spent half that time taking direct action, each of those could have been improved.

[oak]

Where I was 10 Years Ago

Ten years ago this week I had no money, no job, no food, no plan.

I owned a beater car, a decrepit XP laptop, and the clothes on my back.

I went a week without food, and by day 6 I had the pretty profound experience fasting types report.

On day 8 a friend took me to her former workplace, a slightly run down big box store. She told a friendly sort of lie, that I had specific retail experience, that was kindly shown as untrue my first day. The man that hired me was fired me the next day (though not for hiring me: I was, professionally, beneath notice).

I had no dental care, I was edging towards estrangement from my exhausted family of origin. For the next three long years I'd have $10-20 to spend on food a week.

While life is cruel, it can also be generous: that retail job gave me space and time to learn how to be a grownup: how to show up to work on time, how to look presentable, how to help others, how to notice others (notably lacking in my selfish drinking days).

Cliche

"Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose"; this is cliche because it is so true. I had nothing, so I was not tethered to anything. I had nothing to defend.

I could start over fresh at age 32. I was fortunate in that.

At the end of my three year retail experience I got fired from the job and kicked out of the couch I was surfing. Life wasn't done with me yet.

Today

I dreamed of my current life, the one I am now so blase about.

I vividly remember creating a vision board in Debtors Anonymous: It showed me in a nice car, on a little vacation; the main part of was my wallet: it had a health insurance card, dental insurance, $100 in cash, AAA card.

I could have created a vision board for anything, and I chose that. It is true right this minute. I wonder if I am grateful enough.

Were I to magically travel back in time, I'd console my 2009 self. I would tell him that it got better, and to be more patient with himself from 2009-2013. I'd also tell him to be more focused on improving his professional and personal finance skills after 2014. But at the time, with nothing to eat, getting and keeping a minimum wage retail job was enough for now.

[Heatherwantspeace]

*sitting quietly so as to not interrupt the process*
*nodding encouragingly*

[oak]

Thanks Heather!

It turns out the gentle, kind muse I was experiencing during my trip left just as unexpectedly as it arrived. It was very sweet.

Then real life hit me like a brick in the face, reminding me of why I need to move on from my current situation.