when does it feel better?

[manuel_moe_g]

I am simultaneously doing pretty good, and barely holding on.

I am showering pretty regularly, but haven't shaved in days.

I have that weird clammy feeling, but I always feel like this, so why would I describe it as weird?

My very best tomorrow probably will resemble today, instead of my dream day.

Once I burn them in as habits, I will type up the techniques I am using, because as sea-sick as I feel, I am probably going to just make minor refinements to how I am living today, that's all the improvement I can expect. That is simultaneously a good thing and a terrible thing.

Nobody is coming to save me, especially not my superhero fantasy future self. What you see is what you get.

Maybe this is a good place to be, because there are no more excuses. It is a kinda scary place to be. Maybe this is what it feels like to perpetually live just slightly outside of my comfort zone, which I know is the surest way to steady growth.

You people are so great, you have such good hearts. Am I just freaking out in the anxiety of the moment?

[oak]

Manuel Moe, look at you, showering there like a champ: soap, hot water, lots of good scrubbing. So good. Showering is so wonderful, and you're doing a fine job.

And yes, you are freaking out in a moment of anxiety. Were you not freaking out in June 2020, that would be truly odd. These are anxiety-creating times. I've never seen anything like it.

One recommendation to consider, and one firm recommendation:

Let go of any expectation or guilt about shaving. Shaving is great, but I absolve you of shaving until further notice.

Here is my friendly, light challenge: tomorrow find your razor, and hold it in your hand for five seconds. Really give it a good look, then put it back. No look at, or considering of, your shaving cream or aftershave. For now, just hold and consider your razor for five seconds. That is all I ask of you.

While we should be loosey-goosey with shaving, let's be firm about proper hydration.

While we are all rightly concerned about HALT, I want ice water readiness to be a top priority for you. Especially now that it is summer. Please give a report as to your hydration plans. Make some ice cubes in the freezer, and be sure to have plenty of clean glasses ready at any moment.

Lastly, you are correct to say that no one is coming to save you.

No one.

Because you don't need to be saved.

Or, because you can save yourself.

And we can help you save yourself. Maybe this reply post can save you for the next fifteen minutes. That could be all the time you need to start to sort out a new plan.

I say this with confidence because you survived 1994, 2001, and 2016. And remember the nightmare that was 2009? Those were terrible times, and you made it through.

Yes, 2020 is a time of unprecedented trouble. But if I didn't think you could survive 2020 I wouldn't say so.

[Beany Boo]

You fear most what you truly want. That’s a problem if you don’t know what it is. It’s particularly uncomfortable though, if you begin to trust yourself to work it out. That sort of sounds like where you’re at; trusting yourself

Trusting yourself to take a risk feels dangerous. But the shift you stand to make might actually remove you from the particular cycle of anxiety you’re currently in.

From my experience, it doesn’t remove you from anxiety altogether. And there are moments of acute, spiking panic, but they can be ridden and left behind. But it is possible to move from a position of greater general anxiety to lesser general anxiety.

It’s difficult to say, “this is how you do it”, because my circumstances may not be relevant. I will say, it helps to think of yourself as dangerous. Not like, violent, criminal or dishonest dangerous. More like, open to feeling forbidden emotions dangerous. Or capable of large actions dangerous

The other big revelation is, you never have to do anything, in life. ‘Nothing’ covers a lot of actions that will, well... get you somewhere. Even if you’re just doing a different nothing than the one you feel like you might be doing now.

[Heatherwantspeace]

Hi Manuel Moe,
What I'm hearing is you daring to let go, just a little bit. Like the first time you rode your bike with no hands! I'm doing it-I'm scared-I'm doing it-I'm scared. Letting it sink in that (thank you Oak) no one is coming to save you but you can save yourself. I'm doing it! (I'm scared).
Heather

[oak]

Any new word on this, Manuel Moe?

[manuel_moe_g]

Hello Oak!

Yes, as a matter of fact, I do have a positive update.

Will type up more later, after chores, but the gist is that...

[*] what I describe as an anxious, clammy feeling is in fact just the feeling of *optimal* *arousal* to get things done. I was phrasing in the negative, can with equal validity can be phrased positively.

[*] optimal arousal leads to constant personal positive growth, building upon itself

[*] optimal arousal is the feeling of just being barely outside of your comfort zone, which is the most sustainable way to achieve constant personal positive growth

[oak]

Excellent. I like it already.

I’ll look forward to more, when you are ready.

[rivergirl]

I'm so glad to hear that you're feeling better about being in this state, Manuel Moe.

"I am simultaneously doing pretty good, and barely holding on" and the feeling of seasickness are both familiar to me.

I like how you've been able to reframe this state as one with potential for personal growth, and am interested to hear more about how you're doing.

rg

[Beany Boo]

I like where you got to with this MM.

I take you to mean that, not all instances of arousal result in harmful consequences, even when past experience suggests that they seem to.

I would just add, that interruption is a powerful influence on arousal, both helpful and hindering. And also, that positive resistance is just as valid as positive action. In fact, they can be employed concurrently, dialling each up and down, to get the right mix in your response.