"Small" action -> big victory; liminal (transition) time.

[oak]

Hi friends. I am adjusting to a post-lockdown life. Getting back into society has been much harder than leaving society in March 2020.

1a. See if you can follow this chain of events, which sets up 1b.
1b. A "small" but courageous action I took that can vastly improve my life.
2. Liminal time: transition from lockdown.
2a. Yoga
2b. Winding down Indian recipe experiment
2c. Seeing America the next two weekends

1a. See if you can follow this chain of events, which sets up 1b...

In 2020 my sleep apnea got worse; I had two traumatic CPAP testing experiences; I began proto-EMDR/trauma counseling two months ago; this counseling (fortunately, but at great physical price) brought up other dormant/repressed trauma; my body manifested this trauma, mostly in my back and wrist; in addition to the existing martial arts, I have dipped my toe in yoga.

1b. A "small" but courageous action I took that can vastly improve my life.

Most yoga and martial arts classes start at 5 pm or 5:15. Overcoming the "day late dollar short" mentality deeply (but not too deeply to remove!) ingrained by my narcicissitic mother, I would often roll in late (disrupting the people who arrived on time) or not at all (not facing my physical pain).

So, this week I ask my supervisor if I could flex my time. He happily agreed, and now I can arrive on time, warm up, and stretch.

Both of these actions, showing up on time and expressing myself to an authority, is a big deal for me. I started with, thanks to my mother, less than nothing for both.

2. Liminal time: transition from lockdown.

2a. Yoga.

I've started with chair yoga. I am increasingly convinced the line between "yoga" and "martial arts" is a false dichotomy. There are also gendered-expectations, and I've always low key loved subverting expectations for "American men".

2b. Winding down Indian recipe experiment

As I get older, in general in life I've learned that if I get 80% of what I want in life, then to call it a victory and get out before anyone changes their mind.

I really gave a good try to make Indian food in my slow cooker: various dals with chickpeas, lentils, and split peas.

None were especially memorable, especially compared to my deeply beloved misir wat (spicy Ethiopian lentils). I've happily eaten misir wat for breakfast every day for six months, so that is something like an 80% victory, which I am happy to take. I will endeavor to get proper Indian food from the excellent takeout place, perhaps something like every other week.

I am letting go of something that hasn't quite served me. I'm grateful for it, and glad I tried it, but all the same I'm letting it go.

2c. Seeing America the next two weekends

I've had an OCD of varying severity for 25 years, and it leads to something like, in practice, agoraphobia. Not agoraphobia, but same outcomes. You know: checking stove and locks.

I'm going to be away for the next two weekends, which will do me good. I also have a wifi-based camera, so I don't have to worry about "really" being away.

I have been scared of letting go of control, or "control". These short trips will do me good.

Conclusion

So that's where I'm at.

I enjoyed the lockdown, probably a bit too much. It was much harder getting out of it than getting in, and I realize now is the time to make a change.

I am interested to see what is next for me. I am searching for a new meaning for my life. I'll keep you posted. Thanks for listening.

[manuel_moe_g]

Good luck with getting away, Oak!