I feel lousy about not doing anything, but then I also feel lousy doing it because I feel shame for not doing it earlier

[gfyourself]

Hello all, its been awhile. I"m an occasional lurker but haven't posted in a long time. Feels like there is a devoted community of a handful of people here... is it 5, 10, 15, 20, 50? Anyway, doesn't really matter the size, I am impressed with the consistency!

Anyway,

Regarding the subject line: this is likely my inner critic at work. It likes to keep everything the same because it thinks it is helping me. Doing nothing equals avoiding pain. But really it is costing me a lot because I'm not moving at all so with many others moving forward I am falling behind.

I feel like this is the most basic thing ever but its so hard to get out of this shame cycle, because it's really all I've ever known.

Even writing this down, to me at least the most obvious thing ever (based on all my therapy, reading, programs) etc.... it helps a bit. Maybe it will help someone else.

Even being able to boil this down to something so simple makes me feel more shame. But, perhaps its simple, but not easy to address, given my history.

[Mental Fairy]

gfyourself, hello and welcome.

Shame is a word you use on a regular basis, it is also reflected in your internal emotions. And maybe something you show on the outside also?

Something I am familiar with is shame. It’s like a weather pattern, it rolls in and rolls out like a storm. Sometimes it sits on the horizon, you can see it coming slowly and feel the air pressure change within your own head. Then the light haze of a downpour of emotion and excuses not to do something flood your thoughts. You go inward and feel worse for doing so. Or you step up and scream back at it, only to find exhaustion once it’s passed.

Totally get it.

Where does this shame come from?

[oak]

… It likes to keep everything the same because it thinks it is helping me. Doing nothing equals avoiding pain. But really it is costing me a lot because I'm not moving at all so with many others moving forward I am falling behind.

Oh, word.

You took the thoughts right out of my head. Very well said.

I am doing so right this very moment, as I type this.

I don’t have any advice or insight, gfyourself, but I am glad you posted.

[gfyourself]

Thank you Mental Fairy.

The shame comes from things like

• Not standing up for myself in the past
• Not "going for it"
• Not rebelling against my parents (though perhaps I can give myself a break on that one)
• Not establishing goals and trying to achieve them, realizing that the journey is important and separate from the achievement
• Not building myself a good sense of self efficacy
• Avoiding many important things, some complicated but some also simple

I'm sure I could think of more but that's what I have at the moment.

I like what you said about the weather pattern... I would like to say that I'm able to recognize these storms, let them pass and get on with what I was doing (perhaps showing myself some self-compassion if needed). But that's what I've been unwilling and/or unable to do... this is another place the shame can come in.

I'm doing therapy now which is helpful but it all seems so slow. I will say there is no reason that a switch can't flip tomorrow where my life or at least my thinking is much improved but I'm well into my 40's it has not happened yet.

As I age I'm beginning to wonder if my time has passed, if this is all worth it.

I used to think that I didn't really need to retire until much older, why would I need to do that... but I feel more tired now. Also I lost my job almost a year ago so this is a very big hill to climb. I had an ok severance but its pretty much run out at this point. I have savings but it would be a pity to lose so much of them just looking for a job.

Thats enough for now lol, thanks for reading if you still are.

gfyourself, hello and welcome.

Shame is a word you use on a regular basis, it is also reflected in your internal emotions. And maybe something you show on the outside also?

Something I am familiar with is shame. It’s like a weather pattern, it rolls in and rolls out like a storm. Sometimes it sits on the horizon, you can see it coming slowly and feel the air pressure change within your own head. Then the light haze of a downpour of emotion and excuses not to do something flood your thoughts. You go inward and feel worse for doing so. Or you step up and scream back at it, only to find exhaustion once it’s passed.

Totally get it.

Where does this shame come from?

[gfyourself]

Thanks Oak. This is not easy, is it? Thanks for your reply.

[quote=oak post_id=54366 time=1690148897 user_id=2526]
[quote=gfyourself post_id=54363 time=1690143125 user_id=2414]
… It likes to keep everything the same because it thinks it is helping me. Doing nothing equals avoiding pain. But really it is costing me a lot because I'm not moving at all so with many others moving forward I am falling behind.
[/quote]

Oh, word.

You took the thoughts right out of my head. Very well said.

I am doing so right this very moment, as I type this.

I don’t have any advice or insight, gfyourself, but I am glad you posted.
[/quote]

[Mental Fairy]

Shame is an odd emotion that comes from so many different aspects of life.

We aim to live and love to other expectations, or at least what WE think their expectations are without asking, the shame in having to ask stops us.

Example being: my Nana was an amazing cook. I also love to cook, however feel I could never reach her level that she dished up to us at the dinner table.
I was cooking all of Sunday to make a specific dish that takes hours to make the individual components. The final dish was presented and I felt shame. Why? It didn’t feel good enough, it didn’t taste like I wanted, what did I miss, how could I do it better? Yet the desert was spectacular and filled my joy bucket when eating it.

Why would I feel shame, because growing up I never once felt like I could reach that level, it was a consequence of being belittled growing up, never standing up for myself. Never giving things a go. I only started giving things a go and standing up for myself once my family all died! Then I felt free but also angry at myself for allowing these emotions and experiences to take hold of me in such a way.

Shame will forever pop up in our day to day lives, we need to acknowledge it, find its root cause to each particular situation and see how we can flip that shame over and stamp it out, or at least make it more bearable to live with.

You might not of stood up for yourself in the past but there is nothing stopping you now. It’s rather powerful when you do.

[gfyourself]

Thank you Mental Fairy, that is a great story. I will hold it with me.

[gfyourself]

To me, the hardest part of doing things differently is the shouting inner critic saying that I failed because I did not sort these things out 20+ years ago.

I realize these are only thoughts and feelings and they can pass by. I am using self-compassion by working through the hard feelings by working through them and when they get too loud taking a moment to let them pass by.

I mean, this is progress, but it feels extremely sad at the same time.