Proust, mudras, and bluegrass: seeing myself as I really am for the first time.

[oak]

Friends, inspired by the courage demonstrated by our friend Troebia, in their fine post about difficult questions regarding Xanax and alcohol, I had one of those (absolutely chilling) moments of realization today: I saw myself as I really am, for the first time.

Said another way: encouraged by Troebia's honesty, my psyche dislodged chilling truths that I have repressed. I had a Proustian moment this morning:

A shower thought

Like most of my best thinking, it happened while in the shower.

Many a truth is spoken in jest:

https://youtu.be/KcKJE6aYamc

Like the brother in this clip, I am overweight, consuming junk food, and worrying about trifles... until reality shows up.

Then sleep apnea shows up and I realize I have misspent much of my life.

The content of my shower-realization was about mudras and bluegrass.

The takeaway

I might post about the content/meaning of mudras and bluegrass, but suffice to say:

The person I have often (but not always) been is selfish, short-sighted, and interested in immediate gain.

In a flash, I saw myself for the first time as everyone else has always seen me.

I want to be a better person, in a very specific way, and what got me here won't get me there.

This is chilling to realize.

[oak]

Hi friends!

I am not quite myself today: my prescription Buspar is hitting me odd, and I have anxiety.

I recognize that my post above doesn’t make a whole lot of sense; while I don’t have a diagnosis of manic-depression, perhaps I have a touch of mania today.

At any rate, much as I like deleting posts, I think I’ll leave this up.

It was an honest reflection of who I was this morning, what I was thinking.

Maybe like dreams, these shower thoughts that seem so profound (and perhaps are, in a limited way), don’t quite stand up the scrutiny of the light of day.

At any rate, it is an honest stance, something I genuinely felt/believed at the moment.

[troebia]

The person I have often (but not always) been is selfish, short-sighted, and interested in immediate gain.
In a flash, I saw myself for the first time as everyone else has always seen me.
I want to be a better person, in a very specific way, and what got me here won't get me there.
This is chilling to realize.

Hi again Oak, I've got a couple of thoughts about personal change.

One is, we may think we know how others see us but even if we ask them specifically they will seldom be sincere e.g. "Oh, you're not fat!" and they will certainly not tell us what they say about us to others. But perhaps most chilling of all is, even people we consider to be "friends" mostly don't really give a damn about what we do...and in a way that is kind of comforting.

Also, even if one is not at ease with oneself it is extremely hard to change. For example, I will always be slightly too sarcastic, rude, egocentric, anxious, unempathetic, cowardly, a bit lazy etc and even if I don't like it, the mould has hardened long ago. What I can do is be aware of my defects, and make an effort to put on some emotionally intelligent makeup whenever I'm with people, and especially when I meet somebody for the first time. I have never regretted being too calm, or too polite, even if it's basically an act. It takes you places, and also makes life with others easier.

[snoringdog]

make an effort to put on some emotionally intelligent makeup

Ha! I love that!