My summer: like every previous one, but different this time, I swear!

[oak]

Hi friends.

This summer I face many of the same sorrows I’ve faced my entire adult life: I am lonely, I need to earn more, I need to continue to lose weight and continue my fitness.

That’s part of the reason I’ve curtailed posting here: it is much the same story.

Except, happily, in the last few months I’ve made modest but real improvements in each of the serious issues above. I am certainly a better person than I was in 2020; I’d hardly recognize him.

I’d like to post here, now and then, as I face a financially and socially scary summer.

Some thoughts:

1. I notice my boss, for all his good qualities, often speaks to me with contempt. Of the “joking” sort of contempt.

2. I am in another wage garnishment, thanks to an old unpaid credit card. Like so many white collar employees, I am seriously considering a second job. (Happily my spending habits are now very frugal and wise, though I have to resolve grievous previous choices.)

3. I have an endless series of aches; aging? Stress? Something serious? All I know is that stress is horrible for the body, and may be exacerbating my tinnitus.

4. Though I am fully admit I am broke, lonely, and in pain, I know I can make better choices and become the kind of person people want to employ, date, and be friends with.

5. This summer I am going to focus on a very few things, including building 1-2 professional skills, and getting more money flowing in. I don’t want a second job, but a person can do anything for 4-6 months, so long as they know that exactly what they are doing will resolve the situation. I should always know where I am, in relation to the better life I want by the end of this summer.

6. There is lots of fun I can have for free, and lots of benefits to enjoy from my employer.

7. Unlike so many others of my generation, consumed by rage, who I neither judge nor want to be anything like, I can’t say that I have given into nihilism, bitterness, or conspiracy theories. I have some serious issues, and my locus of control is wholly within myself.

Simply put, friends, this previous life was satisfactory, at best. There are small actions I can take this summer, daily, to have fun now and especially in the very near future.

[troebia]

One reason I like this forum is the level of raw introspection we all seem to share. As with running cars with the hood wide open, the moving parts are there to see, you can sense the vibrations and the heat, hear all the rumblings and squeaks.

5. This summer I am going to focus on a very few things, including building 1-2 professional skills, and getting more money flowing in. I don’t want a second job, but a person can do anything for 4-6 months, so long as they know that exactly what they are doing will resolve the situation. I should always know where I am, in relation to the better life I want by the end of this summer.

This type of planning seems to be a recurring theme for you, Oak. I admire persons able to devise long-term plans and follow them through, since I can't look more than a few days ahead. It's not that I need instant gratification for everything I do, but it has to "feel right" for me as well as make sense. That's why I don't work out and exercise more, I guess No pain, no gain? If it hurts, I'll leave it be...

7. Unlike so many others of my generation, consumed by rage, who I neither judge nor want to be anything like, I can’t say that I have given into nihilism, bitterness, or conspiracy theories. I have some serious issues, and my locus of control is wholly within myself.

Nihilism is an important tool for me. I absolutely need to think that nothing in the world really matters. The tension resulting from expecting some kind of feedback or compensation for my efforts would destroy me. I recently went to great lengths and expense to cure my dog's nasty wound, but I was driven by morality and fear, not by some kind of expectation or affection. Had he died, I would have buried him alongside my previous dogs, and then gotten a new one. The value and uniqueness of my dog, and of me, is unimportant. He is a good boi and I give him treatos, and that's that.

[Mental Fairy]

Hi Oak,

I was pleased to read your post. You feel a bit more settled? Modest real improvements are better than no improvements at all.

You have certainly had a turbulent 12months. Do you feel better knowing summer is making its way to you that you have more energy?

There is so many things you can do at no charge to make a day so much more enjoyable, strolling into stores you have never been into. Walking different paths you have never walked before. Looking at things of interest with a new energetic and inquisitive eye.

This time last year you were declutterring areas of your apartment and participating in Barre class. You are still with us and I thank you for that.

[oak]

Thanks to Troebia and Mental Fairy
Next steps
At free event, I was noticed

Thanks to Troebia and Mental Fairy

Troebia and Mental Fairy, thank you for your posts and encouragement.

The engine of my mind is running a little more smoothly than years previously, and I am getting out more (below).

Next steps

I talked with my friend/mentor about my professional skill-building efforts. She says I have come a long way in a few years.

I've got a long way to go, this summer, but I have a clear path. I look forward to completing this journey with you all, though it may be a few weeks before I post in this thread again.

At free event, I was noticed

Taking Mental Fairy's advice to heart, I went to a free jazz-fusion show over the weekend.

Though I sat unobtrusively in the corner, listening respectfully, three women approached me.

My friend/mentor, mentioned above, also stated that barre and yoga have given me cheekbones, so maybe I need to get out more, and invite out some of these young ladies who have the courage to chat me up.

[Mental Fairy]

Cue the warm fuzzies my friend!