All Over The Place

[dystopika]

I've got my share of problems. Without getting into details, they currently involve MONEY, CAREER, RELATIONSHIP. I'm in this tenuous spot wherein I could experience a reversal of fortune with any of these sooner or later. I am trying so hard to keep it together and not add HEALTH to the range of problems I'm dealing with.

Over the course of a day, I've been experiencing massive mood swings. I could be a basketcase in the morning, obsessing over something. Yesterday, I was about to head out to the gym, couldn't find my keys and almost had a nervous breakdown trying to find them. (Voice in my head: are you really going to skip the gym today because you misplaced your fucking keys last night? if you skip the gym today, you will be a fat loser and this woman will lose interest in you.) Found my keys eventually, headed out the apartment and just stepping out onto the street seemed to clear my head. A little later, I'll start to worry and obsess over something else. I might even think about suicide; not in a calculated, planning way. More as a sort of fantasy. An escape route from the pain. "It would be so nice to just bleed out tonight and stop struggling..."

The voice in my head can be cruel and punishing but I can also manage to override it. I can talk myself down. The only way I survive is by talking myself away from the ledge. While I should probably be in therapy right now, I've been through enough therapy over the years to understand some of my basic issues and how to deal with them. I imagine one of my old therapists in my head and what she would say in response to some of my current struggles. There are a lot of tricks I use to manage my current spectrum of anxieties; some healthier than others. Feeling a little exhausted and strung out.

[manuel_moe_g]

Hello dystopika, welcome to the forum!

Yesterday, I was about to head out to the gym, couldn't find my keys and almost had a nervous breakdown trying to find them. (Voice in my head: are you really going to skip the gym today because you misplaced your fucking keys last night? if you skip the gym today, you will be a fat loser and this woman will lose interest in you.)

Lately, I have been surprised by how helpful "forgiving myself" is to moving forward with the hard work of improving myself. In a situation like you described, I would consider, instead of going to the gym, just walking out the front door, leaving the door open so I didn't even need my keys, and just walking half a block in the neighborhood, as a way to just get a spot of exercise. If I "forgive myself" and let myself do less when my bad habits make a task more complicated than I have the ability to deal with right not, then I at least get the benefit of doing a little bit right now of stuff that I know will help me. Because if I try to hold myself up to too high a standard, I run the risk of becoming so overwhelmed that I will just give up and backslide.

[cyanidebreathmint]

Yesterday, I was about to head out to the gym, couldn't find my keys and almost had a nervous breakdown trying to find them. (Voice in my head: are you really going to skip the gym today because you misplaced your fucking keys last night? if you skip the gym today, you will be a fat loser and this woman will lose interest in you.) Found my keys eventually, headed out the apartment and just stepping out onto the street seemed to clear my head.

I can relate. I once had a full on tantrum trying to find my keys, I tore apart the apartment, throwing things around and enraged, and even threw my phone in such a way that it actually dialed 911 (i had them on speed-dial. i was/am paranoid) and had them on the line for a few minutes while i cursed and threw things around.

It's weird how worked up we can get over small things. But those things are always a stand-in for something. I would say maybe you should work on what things were triggers over the course of the day. What did you try and push down and ignore? Maybe that's not your style, but usually when I blow up and get wild like that it's because I refused to look at my issues until they burst out in front of me.

I struggle with mood swings, too. I know how unsettled it can make you. Even if it's good, you know the other foot will drop.

Hope things are going better.