Not okay & so ashamed

[rivergirl]

Thank you, Oak. I'm having ups and real downs but have resolved to myself that if the work stress is continuing at this level a month or two from now, I'll start looking into taking early retirement and supplementing my income with a less stressful job. And I'm trying to just be grateful for what remains in my life after the losses, for the oil spill cleanup workers, for everyone at work who is trying to make things better, even for the insane level of Halloween/Dia de los muertos decorating and party planning going on at work after we haven't a had a real celebration for many years, even pre-Covid.

[snoringdog]

Hello Rivergirl,

Having reached that resolution is wonderful. You have options.

It's so hard, mentally, when we don't think we do.... I'm a survivor at work, having seen departments close and others being laid off over the last three years (and having to finally vacate the underutilized building on very short notice, just last month).

But I've been laboring too long under the cloud of "I can't go anywhere..", "I'm stuck...", "I'm inadequate.." etc. etc. But I recently took stock of myself and my situation, and said "Fuck it, I can take this or leave it". (Not that I don't like aspects of my job, or the way the company treats people generally, but getting jerked around and subjected to unnecessary pressure and deadlines is getting old).

Now.... living in the world as it is, is still very hard. Every time there an oil spill or an environmental disaster (or the Sequoias in danger of burning oh-my-god) it's like a punch to the gut...my stomach drops. I've had this reaction since I was young, and it seems as though I'm finally seeing all the things I've been worrying about for so long... I'm kinda numb to it (but not really). Maybe it's because I'm an introvert and have always enjoyed solitude and natural surroundings more than excessive social interaction.

About your weekends- that's alarming. As Oak says, remember your safety plan, and don't do anything impulsive.
(I'm impulsive myself, and will never own a gun for that reason). In one of the first episodes I listened to, Leo Flowers described calling a hotline ahead of time to see what it was about, should he ever really feel compelled to need to. (I'd thought about doing this myself, but never did.) 04/05/2019 - Trust Issues, Suicidal Ideation, Food & Self Care – Leo Flowers.

I wish we could do more to help, but *do* know that we're listening (though for me, I always seen to miss serious postings be a few days. Nothing, nothing, nothing...then I look away, and BAM).

So, how to wrap this up? I dunno... not to good at this...

But wishing you well, as always.

SD

[rivergirl]

Thank you for your thoughtful comments, snoringdog. I'll try to reply when I'm in a better place mentally.

[Beany Boo]

That’s a good, self-caring reply rg. Also, remember your safety plan. Refer to it.

[oak]

Agreed with our dear friend Beany Boo.

You are not alone, RiverGirl.

[rivergirl]

Thank you Oak & Beany. Outside of therapy, this is the only place it feels safe to share the extent of my current struggle. I think at times I probably even share more here than in therapy.

I'm sorry you've had to deal with some of these same issues, snoringdog. It's probably dangerous to let yourself feel like you're trapped in any one situation and can't leave if necessary. I hope your work stays tolerable and that if it doesn't you'll feel free to make a change if you have to. I relate to feeling like you're inadequate even when the work expectations are unreasonable. On Thursday I did talk to managers at work about not knowing if I can continue and they offered a few changes. I don't know if it will be enough that I can handle the ongoing workload and pressure, but I did feel somewhat better that at least they seemed to understand and didn't blame me. Another colleague saw how stressed I was and offered to help, but she's already under similar stress and is planning to retire soon because of it.

I know you're sensitive to environmental issues, snoringdog, and it's a rough time for anyone who feels that way. The first wetlands area affected by the oil spill is literally right down the street from where I live. Last June at another nearby wetlands area, someone flew a drone over a nesting island and caused thousands of eggs from a vulnerable species (Elegant Tern) to be abandoned. I feel like the planet can't sustain the pressure from humans much longer.

I'm glad that you don't own a gun, snoringdog. I used to do target shooting with family members who owned guns, and I've lived in homes with guns accessible, but it seems like I won't be able to do that again if I want to stay safe (whether or not I can find the will to want to stay safe is another matter).

I've had family difficulties this weekend, but I may post about it elsewhere as this is getting pretty long.

Always wishing you well too, snoringdog.

rg

[oak]

RiverGirl, thank you for posting.

I am glad you had the work conversation, that they are open to new ideas, and that they are willing to try mitigating efforts.

As you say, that may well not be enough. I'm not sure if I posted it, but I was secretly thrilled when you mentioned considering an early retirement. That may be an excellent idea.

I hope this current weekend is going well for you.

And, at the risk of unkindly hijacking your thread, may I offer a thought to demonstrate that you are not alone?

Back before I had a car, I'd walk to taekwando on Friday evenings. After a good class, concluding around 6:45, I'd see couples and families going to the restaurants next door. Many of the couples and families seemed very happy.

Most of the time I was happy for them, and sometimes I couldn't hide my envy. I was alone, and I knew it and I couldn't hide it.

People, including my sisters, have an embarrassment of riches to be able to go to restaurants on a Friday evening. They have done this for years, for decades. I wonder if they're grateful?

I can't imagine being so lucky to have someone to take to dinner on a Friday night. I can't imagine being that rich in companionship.

[Beany Boo]

My aunt, uncle and dad experienced something similar at an early age, at the hands of my grandfather. My uncle died young and my aunt and dad succumbed early-ish to ill health, dying of smoking and alcohol related complications.

My aunt and dad went into a steep decline after my grandmother died; I suspect because they no longer had to put on a brave face for her.

I can definitely say that the effort to maintain a secret shame consumed them. They were physically difficult to simply be around for a long period of my life. It was clear both that something was very wrong and that they were struggling in every fibre to make it look like everything was fine. It was terrifying.

The other siblings and the extended (Christian) family, were all born too young to remember my grandfather before he died - of alcohol related complications. They either struggle to see something was wrong, blamed, denied, accused them of lying, or ‘cared’ for them without addressing the ‘secret’ and it’s consequences directly.

People don’t really understand how brutal the shame is, until you witness it daily. Also the trauma presents over time, only once you exit that experience and come into contact with ‘normal life’. Normal life’s difference exposes that what happened to you was at best damaging. Normal life is painful as a result.

You’re struggling to survive the shame at the moment. And it sounds like you’re not coming into contact with other survivors through therapy or at work. And even if you were, coming out as a survivor even to another survivor is a risk, that feels like life and death.

I feel like I did therapy on behalf of my antecedents, who sort no help whatsoever. It’s bittersweet that you’re making every effort imaginable and still not getting anywhere. When the shame is lodged in your nervous system it’s difficult to talk or think it out, especially with someone who doesn’t appreciate the sheer weight and isolation of it.

I hope you turn a corner in your recovery soon.

Good luck!

I will hold you in my heart.

[oak]

@BeanyBoo: As always, so many gems of wisdom. Thank you for sharing.

@RiverGirl: Here we are at Wednesday, uncomfortably situated between two weekend.

How is everything going this week? Do you have plans to mitigate your suffering in the coming weekend?

[rivergirl]

Beany,

Thank you for sharing your family's story. It's heartbreaking. I'm so sorry, and I'm deeply touched by your comments regarding my situation.

I'm a bit shaky this morning and on my way to an appointment. Somehow it seemed important to acknowledge your post before I let too much more time go by.

You have such a kind heart.

rivergirl