My mom being angry at me

[oak]

Manuel Moe, I’m sorry you’re going through this. You deserve better.

I, we, will stand by you. We are here for you.

A bit larger picture, if I may:

How do we (you with your mother, me at work) handle situations where we are always wrong (or “wrong”).

If we can’t win, why play?

[manuel_moe_g]

How do we (you with your mother, me at work) handle situations where we are always wrong (or “wrong”).

This way of phrasing it, Oak, cuts to the heart of the matter...

Well...

There are certain people who <know> immediately & always that you are <wrong>

No evidence, no argument, no mercy can change their hearts, you will always be <wrong>

it is kind of a relief, because try or no try, you get the same result

so best to do what you know is right, all the while looking out for <number one>

(not in a narcissistic way, just in the way that if you have to drive a jeep over a long desert, it does no good to prioritize forward motion over care of the engine, care of the engine is key to driving through the whole long desert. Care for yourself in exactly the same way you would care for that engine)

this is what i try to do. i fail often, because of lack of moral strength, but i get back up and try again, trying a little smarter than the time before

does this make sense? you ask the fundamental question, i think i am up to the task of answering it, but i definitely want to know the criticisms of others and the better ideas of others

everyone, take care, it is nasty out there, to sensitive people...

[oak]

Well said, Manuel Moe.

If I may, per your excellent analogy I can't help but think of the classic film and book "The Grapes of Wrath":

They are in the deserts, the flat and desolate plains.

They know/believe that there is a land of plenty just past those mountains.

Like Henry Fonda in the film, I'm a Tom Joad in the truck. They had to care for the (decrepit) truck when it inevitably broke down. But they kept going.

Today I was talking with my mental health counselor about how to not give my two week's notice at work before the holidays.

I asked her how people handle things, knowing beforehand, that they will be <wrong>, and have to swallow their pride.

I don't know that there is an answer, much less an easy answer.

The best I have: swallow my pride, and gray rock until I can implement my plans (make it through the desert to the better land).

[manuel_moe_g]

best I have: swallow my pride, and gray rock until I can implement my plans (make it through the desert to the better land).

This is outstanding, i will borrow this

all the best, Oak

[Beany Boo]

Find out what the feelings are; about the form her acting out is taking, in this direction.

There’s no need to ‘go through it’ in the feelings. But there’s a gap somewhere in which their full and free response is happening.

Apologies if these comments cross a line. Push back if they do.

[manuel_moe_g]

Hello Beany!

Find out what the feelings are; about the form her acting out is taking, in this direction.

It is tough. I would feel safer exploring this with someone who took responsibility for their actions and was dedicated to positive change

that does not describe my mother, sadly

i am wondering if she notices that i am interacting with her less, i am being friendly, but i am talking to her much less, i have withdrawn to a place of safety

the mean voice in my head is mainly my mother's voice from my very earliest ages

[Mental Fairy]

Hi Manuel Moe

I understand the statement of still hearing your mother in your head. Yes, i miss mine. She wasn't perfect and she did some damage. I still hear her in my head saying i am not pretty enough. I am not enough. Yesterday i went for a little drive, i found a street i recall being driven down to the entrance of a long driveway. All the emotions of hatred flooded me, i got all sweaty as this was the driveway to a ladies home my mum would take me once a week to learn how to be a lady. I had to learn how to wear makeup, dress in feminine clothing and walk like a lady. I hated that place, it was so fake, so demeaning. I always walked out of there feeling less than. No wonder i hate my body and my presentation to this day. It was never enough and she allowed me to feel that. Heck, she paid for me to feel that.

[Beany Boo]

It is tough. I would feel safer exploring this with someone who took responsibility for their actions and was dedicated to positive change

Apologies MM,

I was trying to be delicate about saying, ‘find your feelings about it’.

Forget I said anything.

[manuel_moe_g]

Hello Beany!

oh, i think i get what you are saying now, forgive me for being so dense

Find out what the feelings are; about the form her acting out is taking, in this direction.

There’s no need to ‘go through it’ in the feelings.

The feelings are: feeling unsafe about her temper, feeling sad that my mom doesn't take responsibility for her actions and she isn't dedicated to positive change, feeling sad about how the mean voice in my head is mainly her voice

hard not to 'go through it' vis-à-vis the feelings, her last outburst of terrible temper was like a dam breaking, i am washed away

i can't blame her 100%, she had a hard life, she has inborn depression, my mental illnesses make me less resilient, a more resilient person would be affected less

thanks, Beany, for seeing me in this time, i really appreciate it, i wish i was better at communicating

[manuel_moe_g]

I understand the statement of still hearing your mother in your head. Yes, i miss mine. She wasn't perfect and she did some damage. [...] No wonder i hate my body and my presentation to this day. It was never enough and she allowed me to feel that. Heck, she paid for me to feel that.

Yeah, i am struggling not to see things as 100% black and white - people are complex, they have good and bad parts to them, they have what they cannot control and what they struggle to control

i was in the habit of calling my mother several times a day - i admit i have been feeling lonely, that is why i called my mother so much

i wish all you guys were just down the block from me, what an antidote for my loneliness that would be!

i am lonely, so i called my mother several times a day, until she raged at me, i see that there is great danger at being that close to my mom, so now i have withdrew some, and now i don't have that distraction from my loneliness

being on the autism spectrum and having social anxiety, and being a fundamentally depressed soul - it leads to great loneliness

i will have to think about why i am so needy now, why am i so needy?