A sort of diary

[oak]

Well said, Troebia.

May I ask what your muse/motivating spirit/white whale motivates you to create art?

[Mental Fairy]

Hi Troebia and team

I have sat down this morning and was reading through the latest posts. Troebia I am so excited to have you here with us as your journey is incredible and interesting.

Art is something I don’t know enough about to comment, however I appreciate beautiful art when I see what jumps out at me.
For a couple of years I was attending two weekly hypnosis sessions to try help combat trauma and nightmares. One thing that shifted after some sessions was colour response. The hypnotist got me to focus on difficult colour lights to see how the brain responded. Green was the one colour that got my brain to calm down in the fight flight response. Now when I see artwork or am in nature I immediately become calm. Any art I have has a large portion of greens to its makeup.

Interesting also is the tribal arts of the world. Aboriginal art is something I find compelling, how simple shapes can make beautiful and insightful artworks. Maori art also tells stories and become sacred pieces representing both the artist and their ancestors.

How old were you when you began doing forms of art?

I am pleased you have returned and look forward to your insights and knowledge.

[troebia]

May I ask what your muse/motivating spirit/white whale motivates you to create art?

What moves me mainly right now is anxiety relief and the desire to improve. Drawing and painting is Xanax for my mind and there is a slow progression. I watch a lot of urban sketching and watercolor tutorial videos, and also "4K street walks" on YouTube through villages in Spain or Italy. I'll pause at a scene that has perspective, shadows and some people in it, and try to paint it. I also go to places to sketch "plein-air" but I'm very shy about people coming up to me and watching what I do. My dream is to build up sufficient skill so that I can know more or less how a painting will turn out beforehand, because right now it's very hit-and-miss and when something looks half decent I don't know why: it's not yet something I can apply to another subject.

For a couple of years I was attending two weekly hypnosis sessions to try help combat trauma and nightmares. One thing that shifted after some sessions was colour response. The hypnotist got me to focus on difficult colour lights to see how the brain responded. Green was the one colour that got my brain to calm down in the fight flight response. Now when I see artwork or am in nature I immediately become calm. Any art I have has a large portion of greens to its makeup.

Hi MentalFairy, that is fascinating and also a bit scary. In the near future when VR headsets are more common, on the positive side we could get more effective therapy, but will they also be able to manipulate us emotionally without us really noticing? The news and ads on TV already tries to do that, but if we're completely immersed we'd be defenceless?

How old were you when you began doing forms of art?

I've always been doodling. When I was around eight I did these odd, intricate black pen drawings that looked like crazy machines. It got me into trouble at school when the teacher saw one of my "machines" that chopped off the heads of stick figures. I was severely bullied all through my childhood, partly because my family moved around and I had to change school twelve times in primary so I could never settle in and get proper friends.

[troebia]

So, if about half of my actions in a day are directly caused by consciously thinking "I need to do this because it will make me lower my anxiety" it means the following:

• I am privileged to even think about this.
• Another sane/normal person in my situation would certainly have accomplished more useful things.
• It's not unusual to have these thoughts, and many others are doing the exact same thing except their particular way of escape is heavy drugs, video games, violence, compulsive sexual behaviour etc.

[oak]

[*] It's not unusual to have these thoughts, and many others are doing the exact same thing except their particular way of escape is heavy drugs, video games, violence, compulsive sexual behaviour etc.

Word, Troebia.

Though I am misusing the word, this as nihilism.

There is a trope, and often reality, of young men finding solace and meaning and connection, which is often missing in their real lives, in video games. The stereotype (google "South Park world of warcraft"), is that they spend all day playing video games, eating chicken tenders, drinking Mountain Dew (a kind of pop). Endeavor in the larger worlds of work, dating, athletics, the arts: they walk away from it all (edit to add: and I sort of don't blame them).

And let me stress: I myself must resist the seductive siren call of this nihilism. If I could get away with it, I might well weigh 600 pounds, not work, play video games, and eat fried chicken.

I've also observed art-types be just as destructive, getting lost in their little, insane art worlds.

Perhaps, as they say, art or video games or alcohol or sex are good servants but poor masters.

Also, seeing your bio data, may I offer some thoughts and questions about art in your native land?

[troebia]

Also, seeing your bio data, may I offer some thoughts and questions about art in your native land?

I'm not native Spanish, although I've lived in Spain most of my life. There have been many excellent Spanish artists, just yesterday I visited a show with a collection of works by Joaquín Sorolla (1863 - 1923). He's called The Master of Light and if you search online you'll see why. Whenever I feel nihilistic I can just think about his way of painting

[troebia]

It's as if my brain is melting with the heat right now in Spain. I'm looking back at my latest posts/comments and wondering if this is the right forum, and if I've strayed away from mental issues too much. My struggle with creativity is a "condition", but isn't really what makes me have anxiety attacks or makes me feel unwell. I don't want to create irrelevant noise here. On the other hand I enjoy the light banter and the absence of likes and thumbs here.

[manuel_moe_g]

Hi Troebia!

Your posts are pretty awesome, keep it up!

Diversions from the heaviest stuff are important too

[oak]

Troebia, by all means, please continue to feel free to post.

I consider your posts very much related to mental health.

And lest you feel “out there”, remember that I posted about astral travel during dreams yesterday, which proves that this forum is a “big tent” for people working through stuff.

[troebia]

Thank you Manuel Moe, Oak. I will continue then to divert inside this cool, shady big tent for a while

Oak, dreams are certainly fascinating. Personally I have too many bad ones to feel at ease with thinking about what they may mean. I do feel that there are invisible undercurrents that affect our lives. Maybe they can be called aura in the sense that they are our unconscious mindset, and they manifest whether we like it or not through our decisions and actions. We invent lots of little explanations, theories and sayings, even religious thoughts to cope with the bad stuff, such as sh*t happens and Murphy's Law, although deep down I feel that around 98% of the most negative and most positive that has happened "to"(?) me was due to the path I took myself. Nobody pushed me into it. If I lost some money, I probably already knew there was a high risk in the investment. If I had an affair, I probably knew beforehand that I would go down in flames. Likewise if I made that extra effort studying, getting the diploma wouldn't be just lucky. If I cared for the earth, tended the seeds, watered the plants and prevented the pests, the good harvest wouldn't just be due to some grace or other.

Outside theory, now for some real world...
Me to wife: "This place is finally coming together, after all this work."
It took about three hours and the water heater broke, partially inundating the floor. I should learn to keep my mouth shut.