Awkward

[justdom]

But having grown up basically raising myself and needing to be in control and independent in order to "make it" have made me feel like being in control is necessary for survival

That's me. It's only recently I've realised how autonomously I've raised myself, and the only viewpoint I have of me, is me. And I think it's at least incomplete.

If it's any consolation, my therapist, when reflecting on the progress I made said 'You did come in here with a pretty big ego. It's good to see you can at least talk about it'

[manuel_moe_g]

my therapist, when reflecting on the progress I made said 'You did come in here with a pretty big ego. It's good to see you can at least talk about it'

Did you hurl a sofa cushion at your therapist when he unloaded this one on you?

Take care, justdom, your progress is an inspiration!

[dare i say it]

I don't know if it's just ego, but I've gotten in the way of my own therapy many times before. I've refused to talk about my relationship with my parents because I was unwilling to consider that that might have something to do with my problems. I've refused to work on meditation or mindfulness because it seemed fishy to me at first. I used to walk into appointments with a long list of items I wanted to talk about. Sometimes it was hard for my therapist to get a word in edgewise! It was hard for me to let go of that control and start taking direction.

Have you seen the video of Brene Brown titled "The Power of Vulnerability"? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCvmsMzlF7o She's a social worker herself and she tells a funny story about going to see a new therapist. She tells the therapist, "I need some help, but look, here's the thing. No family stuff. No childhood shit. I just need some strategies." It's a great video--Paul referneced it in a podcast and it's linked at least one other place in this forum.

[justdom]

@manuel,
I think if he said that a few weeks earlier, I would've taken offence and left. He did suggest that I thought too much rather than feel, and I didn't take too kindly to that. I guess I had 'softened up' by then

I used to walk into appointments with a long list of items I wanted to talk about. Sometimes it was hard for my therapist to get a word in edgewise! It was hard for me to let go of that control and start taking direction

In my first session, when asked what I'd like to get out of therapy, I said 'I want to be able to feel better about myself, and to work more effectively, and to stop letting things affect me so much'. I was-and am-a right state.

@dare, thanks so much for the video! I did hear about it before, and I forgot about it. Thursdays are my therapy days, and right now it's making me feel very uneasy, so I'm hoping this can serve as a guidepost for what I'm trying to do, and as a source of strength when I want to shut down.

[dare i say it]

I was-and am-a right state.

I would like to understand this, but I don't. A little clarification?

@dare, thanks so much for the video!

Glad you liked it!

[threeletters]

I also would like a clarification, but I'm not sure if it's in the same way as dare I say it.

I think he means he was and is a mess (it's a British phrase) but I'm just not sure how that quote to your therapist means you were a mess. Those are some of the same things I said when I went into therapy. And they're still some of my goals. I'm actually very good at supporting other people, often to the detriment of myself. And then I get resentful because I want other people to be supportive of me in return but I pick friends and significant others who are "in a right state" and don't really have the tools to be supportive.

Now I'm struggling with trusting myself to take care of myself. I can follow directions when given them, but as an academic I have to be my own boss. And I simply don't have enough confidence to feel that what I think I should be doing is actually what I should be doing. So yeah, it'd be great if I was "able to feel better about myself, and to work more effectively, and to stop letting things affect me so much." Am I missing something about why that's so wrong?

@dare, I also absolutely love that video of Brene Brown and have probably watched it more than five times when I need a little reminder of the main message (happiness comes out of vulnerability). But I bought her book and I found it severely lacking. While there are good messages in the book there is zero instruction on how to actually implement them into your life. Which only served to make me feel worse because I'm not capable of doing it on my own. Ugh.

[manuel_moe_g]

Hi, threeletters

Yeah, self-determination can me feel so inadequate. I wish I had a great boss to remove the chance of misapplying myself.

Also, I know what you mean about supposed self-help books that have absolutely no effective helpful actions for me to take. Fudge.

Take care, all the best!

[dare i say it]

@dare, I also absolutely love that video of Brene Brown[...]But I bought her book and I found it severely lacking. While there are good messages in the book there is zero instruction on how to actually implement them into your life.

That's unfortunate. It seems to me that when it comes to giving advice directly to people who need help, there is no substitute for clinical experience, i.e. years of experience treating patients. I got the impression from watching the video that Ms. Brown is doing important research and is a lovely speaker, but that she does not see patients directly. I could have that wrong. Allso, thanks for the clarification. I totally missed that it could be an idiom from another country.

[EliCash]

Now I'm struggling with trusting myself to take care of myself. I can follow directions when given them, but as an academic I have to be my own boss. And I simply don't have enough confidence to feel that what I think I should be doing is actually what I should be doing. So yeah, it'd be great if I was "able to feel better about myself, and to work more effectively, and to stop letting things affect me so much." Am I missing something about why that's so wrong?

I get that feeling all the time, except for me it tends to come out of overconfidence. The feeling typically leads to a thought that goes something like, "Why am I doing this? There's gotta be something better I could be doing." Which, after some anxious over-analysis of the situation, turns into something more along the lines of, "There is no point in doing this if I could be spending the time doing something better." The unfortunate thing is that "something better" never magically presents itself... so at the end of the day that "I should be doing something else" feeling turns into "I wish I had done something."
For me it often becomes a cycle because I wake up the next morning feeling as though I need to do "more" in order to make up for doing nothing the day before... which leads to another day of doing nothing. The way I've learned to break/avoid this pattern is to make sure I take a step back whenever I catch myself asking, "Why am I doing this?" Training myself to take the step back has made it easier to realize that feeling as though there must be something "better" I could be doing does not mean there definitely IS something "better" I could be doing and, even if there was, that does not automatically make what I am doing worthless.

[manuel_moe_g]

Training myself to take the step back has made it easier to realize that feeling as though there must be something "better" I could be doing does not mean there definitely IS something "better" I could be doing and, even if there was, that does not automatically make what I am doing worthless.

Wow, this is very well put. Thanks, EliCash!