I hate the fucking holidays. I just want to hybernate from november 1st to january 1st. Its been this way since 98. Every year i tell myself it will get better ill learn to love the holidays again. But no that never happens. No one respects my need for quiet reflection. No one supports my feelings for not wanting to touch a stupid christmas tree. And yet no one seems to get that we shop for shit we can live without and wont give a shit about in a month. Point in case do you even remember what you got last year? I dont. In 98 my father died around thanksgiving. That same year my grandmother who i was close to died a few days before christmas. My father was father christmas. No shit the man played santa was a chocolate fanatic and made elborate chocolate houses loved baking and making candies. True holiday spirit. Theres been none of that since then. I cant bring myself to do it i cant stand the sight of santa. This year my aunt passed away. This has brought up all the other feelings i try to push down. I have been thoroughly disgusted with everything. And just have a deep dark deadness in me that i dont give a shit about anything. I have zero support with her passing. The fucknut im with was more worried about how i may pay to go to her funeral and how i could swing christmas too. Not once did he ask if i was upset nor tell me he was sorry.. my mother hated her. So shes like ding dong witch is dead. To have even another blow her funeral was invite only which if fucknut even cared to ask wouldve been happy about that my family or me was not invited. To make a long story short my father was the bastard child of thier mother. And my family has always been shunned. By them. So yet again another bash to the broken pieces of me.
I am sooo down and depressed. Its a chore to do anything. Im with you tangerine i hate never ending chores. Ive gone on strike with the dishes i told those bastards i live with i refuse to do them anymore you rinse your shit off if you dirty it and put them in the dishwasher. So far fucknut is pouting and i dont care. He dragged out the christmas paper he can pick it up. I know im pushing my limits with him and he will probably knock me up side the head but i dont fucking care im not the fucking slave. That and its just toooo fucking hard to get motivated to go to work that
alone doing shit around here that i dont even mess up.
Im a god damn janitor and i hate it with a passion. Its degrading work and your at the bott
m of any food chain. I think the beggar on the corner gets more respect than a janitor. I have worked retail too. And i relate to whoever said that it.s not a holiday its another day on the docket. People arefucking insane and pissy. If you dont got whst they NEED your fucked.
Holiday Depression
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Cherry_Iceee
- Posts: 29
- Joined: October 19th, 2012, 4:00 am
Re: Holiday Depression
Since my fucking nook is retarded here I am to finish my rant.
If you don't have what people think they need you get yelled at and abused and god forbid the line moves too slowly for the impatient self entitled I-pooped-in-the-potty world we live in. I derserve this crap cause I took a shit today and you better have it NOW and be able to check me out now like some impatient 2 year old. I hate the world we live in and I hate the insanity of the holidays I hate it all. And I hate this fucking depression.
Lets not deck the halls and smoke a Doobie instead.. something that quiets the insanity. So glad to know I'm not alone. I hope the Mayans are right. And we all die soon.
If you don't have what people think they need you get yelled at and abused and god forbid the line moves too slowly for the impatient self entitled I-pooped-in-the-potty world we live in. I derserve this crap cause I took a shit today and you better have it NOW and be able to check me out now like some impatient 2 year old. I hate the world we live in and I hate the insanity of the holidays I hate it all. And I hate this fucking depression.
Lets not deck the halls and smoke a Doobie instead.. something that quiets the insanity. So glad to know I'm not alone. I hope the Mayans are right. And we all die soon.
Re: Holiday Depression
Cherry_Icee -
Very powerful stuff. I feel for your frustrations and losses. I also have had a lot of things disintegrate around the holidays over the past several years, including losing some loved ones. At the same time other things that I had hoped to have in place are not in place and there is just a big gaping hole and no way to fill it. And it's bad enough the rest of the year, but you're absolutely right about all of the things that just amp it up this time of year - the materialism, the insanity, the expectations and impatience. Not to get all Charlie Brown about it, but most of the stuff surrounding the holidays misses the point - about being happy for what (and whom) you already have, and not just focusing on what you don't have or what you have lost (that whole Christmas Past, Christmas Present, Christmas Future thing).
Maybe if all of us who are struggling with the holidays were able to get together and exclude all of the people and things that trigger the depression, anger and frustration, we would be able to have a happy celebration amongst ourselves and give ourselves and each other the gift of that sense of community, understanding and acceptance. At least we can do that symbolically in spirit on here.
Or there's always Festivus, with the airing of grievances and the feats of strength!
Very powerful stuff. I feel for your frustrations and losses. I also have had a lot of things disintegrate around the holidays over the past several years, including losing some loved ones. At the same time other things that I had hoped to have in place are not in place and there is just a big gaping hole and no way to fill it. And it's bad enough the rest of the year, but you're absolutely right about all of the things that just amp it up this time of year - the materialism, the insanity, the expectations and impatience. Not to get all Charlie Brown about it, but most of the stuff surrounding the holidays misses the point - about being happy for what (and whom) you already have, and not just focusing on what you don't have or what you have lost (that whole Christmas Past, Christmas Present, Christmas Future thing).
Maybe if all of us who are struggling with the holidays were able to get together and exclude all of the people and things that trigger the depression, anger and frustration, we would be able to have a happy celebration amongst ourselves and give ourselves and each other the gift of that sense of community, understanding and acceptance. At least we can do that symbolically in spirit on here.
Or there's always Festivus, with the airing of grievances and the feats of strength!
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walklikeanegyptian
- Posts: 46
- Joined: May 24th, 2012, 8:11 pm
Re: Holiday Depression
@tangerine -- dude you need to get some meds immediately. This is not normal. Don't torture yourself. At least get on a little Xanax or Zoloft.
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RationalMuse
- Posts: 31
- Joined: December 23rd, 2012, 5:53 pm
Re: Holiday Depression
I have to work hard to not exist at the extremes - Christmas sucks, family sucks & life is too dark to care VERSUS presents are good, Christmas trees/lights are pretty (as long as I don't have to put them up), time off school (I teach high school) with my daughters and husband. We're not religious so Christmas is about quality family time and a break half way between the year, so when everyone doesn't get along I blame myself. I have to fight wanting to cocoon and stay away from people and then getting angry because I am lonely and no one likes me. The holidays hold their own built in manic cycle that just compounds any mood or depression pulls. Finding this forum and podcast will hopefully be a good vent to keep life a little more level.