4 x 4, what I am working on right now

[brownblob]

Your wife obviously sees something she likes in you. She is there.
As far as childhood dreams of greatness, what demands of greatness do you make on your daughter? We often have unrealistic expectations in our childhood. Sometimes of great success and sometimes of great failure. Children are quite often not prepared to become adults. It is okay to be you. The real goal should be to be the best you that you can be and build a life around you that you would like to live and that meets your needs. (I feel so fake telling you this and not living by it, but heck it sounds good)

[manuel_moe_g]

Thanks, Brownblob. Thanks for listening to me, and delivering the truth.

I remember a high school teacher telling me that i would never achieve my goals. I wonder if he was just an ass, or if he was simply a good judge of character.

I have been talking to my inner child, not trying to lay a trip on him, not trying to control him, but just talking to him like Mister Rogers would talk to me through the TV screen.

Heh, even trying to improve 1% over yesterday is a mighty struggle. How sad. But it really isn't sad, it is just realistic. It is how my life is.

[brownblob]

It sounds like the high school teacher was being an ass. It is not the job of teachers to crush the dreams and spirit of their students.
I hope my reply didn't come across too negative. It was not my goal. I really had more in mind showing yourself some compassion. Life can be a struggle. To me, it sounds like you are doing a lot of work to be the best you that you can be. I think you should be proud of all the work you have done. I am impressed with all the work you do.
I don't know what your goals and dreams were. I was thinking of my own dreams that generally weren't realistic. In looking back, I don't feel my parents or school ever prepared me for adulthood or life. They were indifferent to me and my needs. My truth may not be yours.

[manuel_moe_g]

Hi Brownblob! No, your reply did not come across as negative. Both your replies show what an awesome, compassionate person you are.

I don't know what your goals and dreams were. I was thinking of my own dreams that generally weren't realistic. In looking back, I don't feel my parents or school ever prepared me for adulthood or life. They were indifferent to me and my needs.

This is exactly my condition.

I had some mixed-up thoughts yesterday and was pretty down on myself. I am feeling better today, after a good session with my therapist.

My therapist agrees with you, Brownblob, that teacher was an ass.

My therapist reminded me that: [1] i have a spirit that wants to do good, [2] i have a spirit that never gives up and never stops trying to do better, [3] i work to make sure my daughter has a foundation of unconditional love to build upon, even though i never had the benefit of such a foundation when i was growing up.

1% better than yesterday can be quite a challenge, and i slip up often, but year-to-year the improvements are real!

My feeling of depression is often dominant, but it does not define me!

So I feel better today. Thank you for looking out for me, Brownblob, and reminding me of positive truths about myself when i was having doubts.

[oak]

Manuel Moe, I am glad to hear you are feeling better, and that things are getting incrementally better. It adds up.

Keep us posted as to your progress! I’ll look forward to it with interest.

[rivergirl]

Hi Manuel_Moe,

I agree with everything brownblob and others have said above.

I think we especially all agree that your teacher was an ass! But you also said that he might have been a good judge of your character. To me your character is evident in the understanding and kindness you show to others on this forum, the way that you continue to try despite having depression, and the way that you are breaking the cycle for your daughter by giving her unconditional love. It's unfair to compare yourself to others who were dealt a completely different hand in life.

Your beautiful spirit is evident in your posts, and your depression doesn't take away from that at all.

rg

[manuel_moe_g]

Thanks Rivergirl! I am truly touched.

[manuel_moe_g]

Just finished therapy session. Mind blowing parts were:

[*] Wishing i could just be a robot, doesn't mean it is realistic even to turn myself into a robot

[*] one of the benefits of spirituality is that i can have my spirituality "hold" the things that i cannot directly control, so i can concentrate on the things that _are_ under my direct control (((this is a big one)))

[*] I am going to "back into" being a compassionate cheerleader for myself, by practicing in my mind being a compassionate cheerleader for my daughter, because i am primed to be more loving to others than i am to myself

[*] you're worth is _never_ at stake, so strictly upside when doing tasks, so strictly the domain for [hopeful], [realistic], [uplifting] feelings

[oak]

Thank you for sharing. Point 2 is especially powerful.

May I ask about the allure/danger of exploring your robotic aspects?

What does “being a robot” mean to you?

[manuel_moe_g]

My emotions are usually negative ones. I have positive emotions rarely. So "becoming a robot" means to me that i can just do my tasks without getting tripped up by negative emotions.

I remember my mom yelling at me to clean my room as a child, and being unable to do anything because everything i touched and everything i saw in that mess would trigger a negative emotion, and i would just lay there inert, unable to do anything but goof around for hours. If i could enter into a "robot mode", i would then just go through the motions of actually cleaning my room, and my room would get clean.

But "becoming a robot" is not realistic for me, as my therapist told me. Better to make peace with the "feeling Manuel", and work while reminding myself to:

[*] not judge myself
[*] not imagine i can do things perfectly
[*] not being afraid
[*] reminding myself it is OK to fail
[*] be learning
[*] be exploring
[*] be playful
[*] keep the end result in mind
[*] be my own compassionate cheerleader

The last one "be my own compassionate cheerleader" is the hardest one for me because my primed action against my inner child is to be mean or neglectful to that inner child.

For this week, when I notice that:

[*] web-browsing becomes really attractive
[*] sleeping/napping becomes really attractive
[*] eating becomes really attractive
[*] i just want to "become a robot" and get tasks done quickly and efficiently with no negative emotions

those are the times that i can take a step back and pretend it is my daughter who is in that situation and think through how i would be a "compassionate cheerleader" for her

it is too far a jump for me at this juncture to be a compassionate cheerleader for myself, i need more practice, it could take a long while to learn this skill and prime this skill