How I feel right now

[rivergirl]

Thank you, brownblob. I saw your comment as I was still sitting in the parking lot and it helped me decide to get out of that dark and unsafe area and go home.

Thank you too, Beany. You're right about my therapist. He was the one who identified to me that abandonment and rejection are big issues for me. He's assured me over the past few years that he would never abandon me as my therapist.

When he stopped accepting most insurance he reassured me that he would work with me to find a fee that was affordable for me. Yesterday I told him that I can afford to pay half of his out of pocket fee (even though this is already a stretch for me). He said that the minimum he can accept is 4/5 of his regular fee, and I don't expect him to change that since we discussed it for the whole session.

Over the past four years my therapist and his life with his wife have become my ideal and comparison for everything that is missing in my life. I feel like my life is so small in comparison. Even before what happened yesterday I've frequently had the same feelings toward my therapist that I've had sometimes in the past when one of my relationships ends, including suicidal ideation. Those feelings were really strong last night.

I don't know what I'm going to do, and am just trying to get through the weekend. It just got very dark and started raining heavily.

Thank you for listening.

[rivergirl]

I don't know if my apologies are worse than my posts, but I'm sorry that I mentioned suicidal ideation. It's a dark topic and I know a lot of people are struggling right now and I don't want to be so negative. I don't think I'm close to harming myself.

I think it's just a mental escape hatch when I feel trapped and can't think of another way out. There are a number of factors going on at the same time for me in the past couple of weeks. I'm hoping that it will get better if one of these factors eases up.

[manuel_moe_g]

Please take care, Rivergirl. You are a rad person. You contribute so much.

[rivergirl]

Thank you, Manuel Moe. Everyone is so kind here and I appreciate you all.

[oak]

Hi Rivergirl. I’m glad you’re posting.

You’re going to make it.

If you haven’t already, please call your EAP and tell them what you told us.

It may also be indicated to call 211.

Good luck and keep us posted.

[Beany Boo]

Passive ideation (not suicidal, but having the thought of wanting to die) is common in perfectionism, OCD, depression, anxiety... It’s an indicator of stress and fatigue. You reach a limit and it kicks in, like a whistle on a kettle. You haven’t actually done anything wrong from the sounds of it. You certainly have nothing to apologize for. None of this is your fault. It’s just real life.

This is scary stuff for you; in fact, it would be for anyone. Give it the weight it deserves.

And breathe in and out.

[rivergirl]

Thank you for the suggestions, Oak. I know those are options if I feel like I'm going to need to change therapists or need more urgent care. I've just been trying to get through the weekend and trying to plan to have a normal routine this coming week with some basic self-care. I went for a windy walk with my brother and his wife this morning and even though I don't exactly feel better, I do feel a little calmer.

Beany, thank you for understanding. I think that I've been both stressed and fatigued. Short term due to work stress and the time change and the incident with my therapist, and then longer term due to issues like losses and loneliness. I don't think that I actually want to die. I just want to create a better life for myself, and I've grown exhausted by the efforts and setbacks over several years.

rg

[manuel_moe_g]

I just want to create a better life for myself, and I've grown exhausted by the efforts and setbacks over several years.

i know this feeling. everything i need to change, to welcome in a new life, is such a struggle and such a slow process. Stay with it, we are all cheering you on!

[rivergirl]

Thank you, Manny. I'm cheering you on as well.