Grief I feel right now

[manuel_moe_g]

Embarrassing admission...

two more life challenges:

[1] thought very highly of myself to a delusional degree for a very long time

[2] was/am a coward (i remember as a child hating the Kenny Rogers song "Coward of the County", just because i was distressed at the whole notion of cowardice, when my bully pushed my sister into some water and i did nothing i was completely mortified from shame)

[Mental Fairy]

Send you the biggest mental hug yet Manuel Moe

[Beany Boo]

Your vulnerability is deeply moving to me.

[manuel_moe_g]

I lurch between cowardice and blind rage

[snoringdog]

Hello Manny,

Have you ever spoken with your sister about the episode? It's a long time to be carrying that stuff around. Maybe the sting would be lessened?

Just a thought...

[manuel_moe_g]

Hi SnoringDog!

I gotta work through the self-hatred on my end first, too raw to bring in other family members.

My father was abusive to us children, but he was quite cowardly in many situations when he should have done right by the family.

My life is in many ways a reaction to my father’s life, trying to be the opposite of him

I have to love that little boy who failed his sister that time, because I have hated him for so long. He had nothing to draw upon when it came is masculine bravery, he had no one to imitate and no tools whatsoever

I have a lot of work to do

[snoringdog]

Hello Manny,

Only cause you brought it up, (and I have no idea about your family dynamics), but might a conversation with your sister help you move past that?

Do you think she even remembers it, or dwells on it? You may be carrying one load that you can get out from under with a quick conversation.

Again, just a thought...

SD

[rivergirl]

Hi MM,

Just catching up on this thread right now. The book you mentioned by Megan Devine just showed up as available in my ebook holds yesterday, and I plan to read it. I think you and I (and others here) have so much in common.

I wish I knew what to say to ease your grief today. I care.

rg

[Mental Fairy]

Hi Manuel Moe, I agree with snoring dog. Moving one step forward to forgiving yourself informing your sister (if she is approachable) let her know how you feel. Forgiveness both ways will help massively I would of thought?

[oak]

Manuel Moe, this is important stuff you are sharing, regarding the violence effected upon your sister.

Though I recommend it with reservations (it has more TWs than “The body keeps the score”, somehow), I found the book “When Violence is the Answer” helpful in understanding violence.

Here is a primer article. Again, all the TWs:
https://www.artofmanliness.com/character/behavior/tell-difference-social-aggression-asocial-violence/


I mention all this because our society is more comfortable with violence being perpetuated on the innocent (your sister, in this case) than admitting violence actually happens.

That talking about something happening is worse than the actual violence. We live in a sick society.

Enough of my soapbox!

As someone well-acquainted with violence perpetrated on them, I can assure you that you did nothing wrong.

You were put in an un-winnable situation.

The only metric of success in these situations is getting away with our lives. Violence is real.