Struggling

[rivergirl]

Dealing with my physical illness not being under control right now. Also, between Christmas & New Year's my sister had major surgery, I had to call paramedics and take my elderly mom to hospital, and made the decision to euthanize my cat who had been ill since my ex abandoned him with me a couple of years ago.

I'm still going to work, therapy, and seeing doctors and psychiatrist but this morning after not sleeping much I feel like I want to give up. It feels like I've been struggling uphill and I'm getting too worn out to fight my depression any more. I feel intensely alone and sad.

[manuel_moe_g]

I feel terrible that so many bad things are happening to you all at once. And depression makes it all worse. Don't give up, you deserve better than that. Please take care, I hope you can feel a little less alone knowing we reading this know how hard it can be to deal with such struggles with depression. All the best to you, rivergirl.

[rivergirl]

Thanks so much for the reply, Manuel_Moe_G. It means a lot to me and it does make me feel a little less alone. Having to pretend to be "normal" around other people while depressed is one of the loneliest feelings.

[Beany Boo]

rivergirl,

Good morning

I am a witness to your struggle.

I see that you feel sad and lonely.

I think, "this is too much for her."

And I feel compassion

[rivergirl]

Thank you, Mr. B. Boo. Your reply brought tears to my eyes. I appreciate your compassion.

[brownblob]

Sorry to hear you are struggling Rivergirl. I know how hard it can be to keep going on. I hope things get better for you.

[oak]

Thanks for sharing. You are not alone.

[rivergirl]

Thank you for the replies, brownblob and oak. It helps to know you read my post & took the time to respond.

[rivergirl]

I'm going to pick up my cat's ashes in a little while.

I'm feeling very guilty about my depression persisting. I've been seeing therapists for almost two years this time, and a psychiatrist for about a year. Sometimes I think I'm better, but today I'm wondering if that's true or if I've just been fooling myself. I may have better days but then the depression always comes back, and over time I think the depression starts to feel like the reality, so that even when I'm feeling better I don't expect it to last. I wish I was a stronger person.

[Beany Boo]

Sometimes, when you're learning to walk again you've just got to wait for the earth to start moving underneath you first. Then you remember that you're legs have a purpose. I think you're a strong person just for accepting you have depression and for then getting help to live with it. I know the strength you mean though. You want to put a demand on your mind; a load, without worrying if it's going to crumble under the weight.

The only advice I can offer from experience is this; if you want to walk again, get ready to walk. The analogy is if you're finding you want to do things, trust that urge, and don't wait for your feelings; don't wait for them to reach a point where they come back online. You don't need to wait for them to start working properly, before you start attempting things you want.

It's going to feel counterintuitive; not feeling satisfied by the things you're doing. But it will signal your mind that you want to - feel satisfied that is.

You don't need to run a marathon. Just get your legs ready for when the earth starts to move underneath you.