Lost job? Job at risk? How are you feeling?

[oak]

Hi friends.

I am heartbroken by stories online of people who have lost their jobs to coronavirus.

To the extent that you are willing, I'd be glad to listen to any cherished friend here who is willing to share.

[oak]

Maeve, good evening and thank you so much for posting. It is so great to have you here in the forum.

I acknowledge your pain. This is a trauma. And may I say something sincerely, and in a playful way? Please don't feel guilty about having a job. I say that not to invalidate your feelings, but to hopefully release you of any burden. You fully acknowledge your fortune in having a job, and have a heart for those out of work. No one is judging you, so I encourage you ease from self-judgment.

Edit: I posted a bunch of stuff here about being let go (which is really good, all things considered).

But I changed my mind and somehow don't feel comfortable sharing. Maybe because it is so recent and tender.

Thanks for listening!

[brownblob]

As always, I am impressed with your attitude Oak. May it carry you through these times into better days.

[oak]

Thanks Brownblob! Your encouragement means a lot to me.

[Heatherwantspeace]

MaeveWyvern, I also have massive guilt about having a job. Can I share some of Oak's absolution?
My partner, who I dearly love and like, is of the belief that you should not use 5 words when 500 will do. The other night at dinner I said, why don't we bring our books to the table, then immediately stuck my nose in mine. I hope you will find a way to carve out space. I'm interested in what you do at work to bring a sense of normal, if you want to share.

Oak, I'm feeling for your losses. You always show such grace and I want you to know you're OK to lose it if you need to rant and rave. All sides of you are welcome here.
Heather

[oak]

Awww thanks Heather. You're always so kind, and bring such value.

And yes, I have a surplus of forgiveness and acceptance for our friend Maeve. Acceptance is like Amish friendship bread starter: if we pass it on, it never exhausts itself.

Thanks for giving me space to share, to use my words. I am hesitant to share the details was because it was so thoroughly decent and kind of my boss. One of the few good things of this horrible COVID experience has been to observe the decency and kindness (just long ways of saying "lovingkindness") of """ordinary people""".

Said another way, I cherish the way my boss laid me off. It was so kind and generous. I'll post about it sometime soon, but for now I'll keep it in my heart.

btw, I love that movie "Ordinary People". Someday I'll make a thread about it, at the risk of doxxing myself as to how similar I was to the hero, Connie.

[Heatherwantspeace]

Hey! I watch Ordinary People about every 6 months. I see something different every time.

I would be fascinated by any discussion about it, especially:
the way his mom can't even tolerate standing next to him at the Thanksgiving picture taking
the french toast
Judd Hirsh as the most realistic depiction of a therapist I've ever seen

Glad you were treated with respect and humanity during a difficult time.
Heather

[oak]

Oh Heather. More evidence that we were separated at birth.

Yes, it is an amazing movie and like all profound documents (AA Big Book, the Beatles oeuvre), it shows us new things each time we look. Likewise, two people can take away the same lesson from completely different parts of said document. To wit:

(At the risk of doxxing myself, except for a few unimportant details-I wasn't on a swim team, didn't try suicide, wasn't institutionalized- Connie's story is my own: the surviving brother.

For me, the whole axis of the story is the friend he meets after getting out of the mental institution. For me, the rest of the film is the delivery system, filler.

He is reminiscing about their time in the mental hospital, finding humor where he could. His friend, non-plussed, tells him to move on with his life. Soon afterwards she commits suicide.

Oh did that ever speak to me.

More than I am trying to get across by typing words here.

Other than the death scene and Donald Sutherland's (he's so great) all-time monologue, I don't remember anything of the movie. Including the parts that resonated with you, Heather: the therapy, the french toast.

I think, and I'm going out on a limb here, and these are not my original thoughts:

1. A movie is like, or equal to, a dream.
2. In a dream, all of the people in the dream are different aspects of the dreamer.
3. Connie, the mother, the father, the therapist, the friend: they're all part of the same grieving person.

When I first saw the movie, fifteen years ago, I hated the mother. Hated her. Now I have more of an appreciation for her. I also think Mary Tyler Moore did a magnificent job in that role.

Tangent: I've also come to appreciate Robin Wright's portrayal of Jennie in "Forrest Gump". I hated hated hated Jenny. And then I realized "Oh, I'm a lot like Jenny. Not in the particulars but in the essence, wholly". I am trying to avoid that rabbit hole of gender in all these representations.

Tangent 2: While I believe "Ordinary People" is about grief, it also has survivor's guilt all over it, suffused in it. We've discussed survivors guilt in this thread, recently, regarding those who still have jobs. Much like gender in film, this deserves its own thread. Suffice to say, I believe two things about survivor's guilt: first, it is real and normal and expected and healthy and difficult; second, we shame people with it, viciously denying them a very human response. I'd go so far as to say that shaming survivor's guilt is an act of violence. But I'll get off my soapbox and out of *that* rabbit hole.

One more limb to go out on:

Conrad is the hero of our story. I find it fascinating that they call him "Connie", typically a woman's nickname. Timothy Hutton, who provides a fine performance, is not your typical 80's bro-dude. He is sweet and sensitive.

They also call him "Con"; I am endlessly fascinated that "Con" could be short for "conscience".

Maybe that's what "Ordinary People" is all about: as a document, a film, it is static. It reflects myriads in us.

[Heatherwantspeace]

Oak, I'd first like to acknowledge the huge life experience from your past and the hard work that must have surrounded it. The layers of respect for what you've survived continue to increase. I'm really humbled that you trust us with this information and we will be respectful with it.

Here's the phrase that comes to mind after reading your experience with the movie compared to mine: We see things not as they are, but as *we* are.

Now I'm going to fangirl for a bit, both the movie and analyzing people, because it feels good to talk about something besides the world right now.
I always found the scene with the friend interesting, esp when she calls out a little too loud at the end, but it never spoke to me personally. Now that mom! Oy!
Take that mom's personality and make a whole family like that and you have my experience growing up. Especially the revulsion at physical closeness. It was such a relief to see my experience portrayed. This movie and The Accidental Tourist--do you know the scenes with the siblings living in the parents' house? That's the best approximation of my sibling experience I've ever seen. Everyone so quiet, disconnected, following patterns without even thinking why. So many movies show yelling families as dysfunction, and those never spoke to me and made me doubt my own experience was harmful.

I hated the mom too, but now I just see her as kind of sad and limited. MTM is amazing. When she *spoiler alert* decides to leave her family, she reaches for her suitcase and you can SEE her think about whether she should try to dig a little deeper and then-nope. She shuts herself down. OMG.
It was only on my last viewing that I saw that the dad was part of the problem. Always smoothing things down. Not letting people express their anger and get it out in the open.

I love your take on Connie and Con. I'll think about that next time I watch.

A thought just percolated up. What if my guilt at being employed is just my crafty brain's way of avoiding feeling sad? I mean, it is much easier for me to think I don't deserve it than to just be...sad. Remember when Connie tells his therapist about his friend's death and the therapist is all "you're not responsible for other people" and Connie gets mad and says Just let me be sad!

OK, now I'm going to go rewatch Running on Empty!

Maeve, glad I could make you smile. Good to hear from you.
Heather