Dreaming of Being a Robot

[manuel_moe_g]

There have been so many times in my life that I have been: unproductive, in mental pain, and managing my mood with distractions that harm me in the long term.

There have been many times that I wished I was a robot: just going through my tasks, no pain, no emotions to run away from.

Now that I am more compassionate with myself, I have the freedom to really explore what this "wishing I was a robot" means.

In an alternate universe, there is a Robotic Manuel that just does his work with an empty, pain-free head.

In another alternate universe, there is a Heart-Singing Manuel, who does his work with a heart full of joy and gratitude.

These guys are very different from actually-existing Manuel!

With self-compassion, I can compare and contrast these different Manuels. I am putting words to the feelings of actually-existing Manuel without judgement.

some stuff i can do now without beating myself up or hating myself:

[1] explore making new habits

[2] notice negative thoughts and feelings and kindly talk back to them

[3] use mini-meditations to calm nervous energy for a few moments... and it is not a failure if my knee-bouncing immediately returns after the mini-meditation!

I would appreciate if you could help me flesh out these thoughts. What are your thoughts? I would love to know.

[Beany Boo]

Self compassionate is good. But stop trying to fix yourself like you’re an expert at it. That’s exhausting.

Embrace modulation. Sometimes you feel better, sometimes worse. It goes up and down. Sometimes robot, sometimes heart singer, sometimes pained perfectionist, sometimes curious. You can’t stay in one nor will always feel them strongly. Allow modulation, go through them all, in waves and cycles.

New habits are good. Old habits are good. LEGO is good. Habits that bring in oxygen. Habits where failure is just an everyday part of the process. Ones where you get lots of second chances to get it right. Where you can put it down, walk away and come back later. That are easy, not always a full blown challenge. That you can forget and not feel like and still pick up and continue.

Robots can have hearts that sing. Paradox. Let the world be a crazy place. Fully without it being your responsibility to un-crazy it. Let paradoxes be, be more than one thing at the same time. You’re a contradiction.

Mini-meditations don’t reset you. They just take the foot off the pedal. But rest is powerful.

These are just some thoughts.

[manuel_moe_g]

Hi Beany Boo, thanks for replying.

Yeah, waves and cycles scare me. More to the point, I have all-or-nothing thinking - if things are going "poorly" (whatever that means) it will go poorly forever, and if things are going "well" that means that I finally cracked the code and things will go great forever.

Waves and cycles don't feel like my friend.

Guilty as charged for using an "expert at fixing myself" voice. The alternative feels really scary.

Really core Manuel-Moe type stuff, the all-or-nothing-thinking, the expert-at-fixing-myself-voice, it _feels_ like if I don't have those, then I don't have anything to call myself.

I still haven't given myself permission to open that Lego set.

Maybe I am more compassionate with myself, but scared to be _truly_ compassionate with myself. Like, my identity is tied up in bullying myself.

Take care, Mr. Boo. Thanks for giving me something to dwell on.

[Beany Boo]

For me, the path is, always me being bad at helping myself, but still definitely helping. And as for scary. For me, you’re always most scared when you’re in the vicinity of what you want. What you truly want is rarely what you assumed it to be.

[oak]

Post 1 of 2: I am super exhausted, MM, but I wanted to offer some preliminary thoughts on your excellent post.

I offer the following inchoate thoughts: if they work, great. If not, feel free to discard!

1. What is your robot's name?

2. Maybe there is a time to be a robot and maybe there is a time to sing at work.

3. The poem I reference in my signature may help you view this (seeming!) dichotomy within you.

http://www.katsandogz.com/gibran/onwork.php

4. Perhaps we can view robot-you and singing-you as archetypes.

Roles you can try on.

5. Speaking of Jung, I consider that much of what I take away from your post relates (to me, at any rate) to inter-war culture:

a. An early representation of robots or automatons comes from a 1920 Czech film. 1920's Eastern Europe was certainly interesting.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/R.U.R.

b. When I think of singing while working, while I am no fan of Disney generally, I immediately think of the Dwarves.

They can be archetypes also: right now I happen to be Grumpy, especially since my sleep is screwed up due to the quarantine (Sleepy).

6. While we need to be rightfully wary of disassociation, I do encourage you to playfully, like a child, be willing to try on different roles. You could switch between five archetypes in a minute!

[manuel_moe_g]

Hello Oak!

I am not sure I can form a cohesive thought, so I will just type up a "brain dump"

I am still thinking about Beany Boo's post. I don't think I am quite ready to absorb it - where I am at in my journey my mind is just not ready yet, so I have a mental block preventing me from letting go of "black and white" thinking and "phoney expert at managing my own mind" thinking - someday I might be able to just set them down and pick them up at will just like any other tools, but for now I am clutching them so firmly against my chest that it is hard to see where they stop and where I begin.

So what I can take from Beany Boo's post is just to start with compassion and self-love for who i am now and who i used to be too. it is damn hard to do, it slips out of my grasp like a slippery bar of soap - it is so darn easy to _hate_ the child i used to be, instead of knowing that that small child was just doing the best he could.

I don't know what is the name of the Robotic Manuel Moe. I just know there is less black tar inside his head that causes painful thoughts and feelings.

So for now I just have the ideas of my original post, and adding trying hard to start with compassion and self-love for who i am now and who i used to be. Hmm, i may have to imagine my younger self doing some embarrassing thing and just hug him harder and love him more _because_ he screwed up because he was just doing the best he knew how.

Thanks Oak, Thanks Beany Boo!

[Beany Boo]

Black and white thinking is good. Whatever comes after won’t replace it. It’s your thinking. Your precious thoughts. It’s safety thinking in a time of crisis. It’s cautious thinking with difficult memories. It’s exercising a level of trust that you decide.

Don’t force it. Any of it.

You asserted that you’ll do it when you’re ready. That is brilliant. Your readiness is worth waiting for. No need to rush.

[Heatherwantspeace]

MM, I think it's okay to have a robot shell for the times you need some protection from the world. And a joyous singing soul for the times when you feel safe.
And I agree, your mini-meditation is a success. Small changes are still changes. A moment away is still a moment away.
Heather