4 x 4, what I am working on right now

[manuel_moe_g]

All this is from work I am doing with my therapist.

The first four come from the acronym R-A-I-N, for a process to move from Reactive State to a Responsive State (reactive is thoughtless/mindless, responsive is thoughtful/mindful)

R - Recognize feelings and body sensations

A - Allow myself to observe the feelings/sensations

I - Investigate with non-judgement the feelings/sensations

N - Nurturing with compassion

here is an example, with how my trying to be unconditionally self-loving with myself which right now just causes myself confusion

R - Recognize the confusion

A - Allow myself to observe the confusion; just be, don't push it away, or try to avoid the confusion

I - Investigate; understand the What, Where, and How; for example where in my body I feel the confusion is behind my eyes

N - Nurturing - reassurances and accolades, like, remind myself that confusion is still better than depression

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OK, the second four is how I would compassionately guide someone who had a challenge with depression

[1] unconditional self-love

[2] choice

[3] incentive/reward

[4] realism

an example might be doing a bit more work from my to-do-list, instead of napping, where I nap after doing that bit of work

[1] unconditional self-love - i remind myself that my habit is to self-hate, and of course, I have a lifetime of experience that self-hate only leads to break-down, so I am trying unconditional self-love, as I would do for my daughter if she struggled with depression, I admit it is hard, I practice talking to her in my head, and then switching myself in her place quickly

[2] choice - thinking through as a self-actualized agent - i know a lot of times it doesn't feel like a choice what i do, but frame it that way nonetheless, also i have a choice to modify my situation and circumstance to allow the automatic action be something more helpful for me, for example moving the floor fan that I like away from the bed, to make napping less tempting

[3] incentive/reward - this is easy, use napping as a reward for work by doing a bit of work ahead of taking the nap

[4] realism - impossible to change perfectly completely instantly, so be realistic, 1% better everyday is more do-able, and actually this is quite powerful, because the 1% growth will be compounded to add growth upon growth. Getting a bit more done each day can count toward the 1% growth.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I don't know if I explained this very well, i hope it is helpful to somebody, but this is what I am working on right now.

Cheers!

[Beany Boo]

Wow, this is profound work. No wonder you’re napping.

The confusion is a real response.

I’ve accepted confusion as just another word for normality. Let it play.

Your fear of passing on bad emotional habits to your daughter is fair.

But needing to get it perfect is one of them.

You’re going to; pass them on. But the ‘forbidden’ feelings that comprise self-love are also available to you already.

The pain of potentially hurting your daughter is worth the risk. But you’ve also got to ‘expose’ her to your shit if she’s going to work out her own response to it.

It’s not you perfectly demonstrating self-love to her. It’s you try, you screw it up, you give her a chance to form a response of her own, you have a response of your own, you both synthesize a new way of relating. Rupture and repair.

Anyway, I’ve probably said a lot. You’re doing amazing.

[oak]

Agreed with our friend Beany Boo. This is excellent.

Thank you for sharing. Keep us up to date as to your progress.

[Heatherwantspeace]

Well done, Manuel!
Thank you for the reminder that incremental growth is growth. I need to remember that.
Heather

[manuel_moe_g]

Thanks Beany Boo, Oak, Heatherwantspeace! I feel heard!

When a mean thought pops in my head trying to make me painfully regret a mistake I made in my past, I try to replace the mean thought with an expression of unconditional self-love. I am not fully successful, but at least it disrupts the mean thought.

[Beany Boo]

Wow, another massive statement.

Here’s the thing. I actually think that you are successful. It’s just that the exercise of self-love is just the starting point. The moment after you disrupt the mean thought with unconditional self-love, I’m guessing one of several feelings, you may not recognize in context, kicks in. I’m guessing it’s indignation.

You’re fully entitled to feel hotly indignant in the face of the mean thought. It might just take some further development of your indignation in order to comprehensively process and also ward off the powers of this mean thought.

[manuel_moe_g]

If my daughter was depressed and needed help, even if I was depressed, I would rise to the occasion to help her. I can think of helping myself when I am depressed in the same way.

Depressed last weekend and depressed today - doing some future-tripping and feeling hopeless/helpless. But I caught myself just now and I can help myself.

Go through the steps of R-A-I-N, feel pain behind eye that is making me sleepy, took some Aleve pills to help with that.

Unconditional self-love (be my own supportive older brother, even though I am really the oldest sibling), choice (choosing to shift my perspective to the end of the work day, what choices I could make to make myself proud), incentive/reward (I would like to reward myself with some Lego's playing), realism (don't have to be a superman, just doing a gentle course correction)

How are you guys doing on this Monday starting August? Hope you all are doing well!

[manuel_moe_g]

Just do a little nugget of work, that definitely moves me forward even if just by a tiny bit, to break out of habitual mood-managing time wasting actions. Use those actions later as a reward, possibly.

[oak]

Manuel Moe, I am sorry to hear you are experiencing depression; I am glad you are getting it all out here. Well done.

[Beany Boo]

My saying this probably doesn’t help manage the depressive times but, yeah the way you’re using RAIN is pretty great. In particular, I love your attention to even the smallest gains. So crucial.