Double check my moral thinking: staying in.

[oak]

Hi friends.

Until last week, my county was level 2 of 5 for COVID. And I'm 95% sure I had COVID in Feb-March.

However, it is really getting out of control: my county (like most of my state), is level 4 of 5. I've heard from acquaintances, many of them at very high levels at some of the finest hospitals in the world (I'm so close to doxxing myself!), that the hospitals are already at the breaking point, and overall the COVID situation is actually worse than the media is letting on.

I've made no secret of, effective June or so, I started to go to the coffeeshop and in-person martial arts. At the time my mental health was teetering, and I never flouted any of the rules or guidelines.

Can you check my thinking, and tell me if I am wrong, regarding the following?

Now that I'm working (and from home, thank goodness!), I immediately cut out the coffeeshop and taekwando, and get my groceries delivered.

I would still leave my apartment to do laundry (in our building), walk outside by myself for sunshine daily, and take out my trash. But otherwise stay in.

This seems like the moral thing for me to do. My gut feels right.

Am I wrong? Or am I missing anything?

Don't be afraid of hurting my feelings. Please be honest and direct.

Thank you, dear friends!

[brownblob]

It does sound like the moral thing to do, but you need to take care of your mental health too. Find that balance for you that you minimize exposure to the population while not isolating yourself into insanity. I don't know what that is for you. I am lucky to be an insane hermit by nature so I am made for this.

[manuel_moe_g]

Oak, can you keep up taekwando with a managed amount of risk?

[Beany Boo]

The risk is of falling into the role of victim. You’ve never really done that but the risk is always there. It feels like it’s never been more present.

All your choices sound reasonable. They invariably do.

You’re vulnerable. That’s real. You’ve got to walk a tightrope now to maintain the activities that have seen you through isolation.

Is it moral? I’ll just say this: it’s working.

Keep working it in the direction of moral. That’s a good life.

[oak]

1. Thanks to friends here
2. Preliminary plans for likely second shutdown
3. Pure joy to report

1. Thank you BrownBlob, Beany Boo, and Manuel Moe, for your encouragement and thoughtful replies. I have reconsidered what I want from taekwando, and by extension the coming (likely) second lockdown. I'm pleased to report that your kind replies not only gave me much to think about, but spurred me to modest action. I have a little better plan for the coming hard times.

2. With the enormous privilege of working from home, I will order most of my groceries (read: pop, pork, and pico, in that order) to be delivered, do taekwando at home, and go to the coffee shop for take out 1-2 times a week when my loneliness/mental health (are they the same thing?) start to fray.

3. My life is frequently, almost always, a slog I am grateful for: I am grateful to sober and working, but I am crushed by loneliness. Saying any more about my loneliness would break my heart. That said...

I've had about thirty seconds, total, of pure, sublime, transcendent joy in my life, most recently in 20212. And I have a few fleeting seconds of it now:

I am registered for a Zoom dance class tomorrow: jazz dance, from the swing (East Coast/jitterbug/Lindy) perspective.

Generous, ambitious teachers, with so much to give, have generously had distance dance lessons from the start of the pandemic. But this is different, for me. Maybe because I am grateful and happy in my new position. Maybe it is gratitude to have survived the pandemic so far. While I'd never go to an in-person dance until a vaccine is widely available (and probably after I have positive results from an antibody test), there is something about this 90-minute tutorial that fills me with an unreasonable joy. Or perhaps an unexpected joy.

[rivergirl]

Hi Oak,

Thank you for considering the effect that your actions have on those more vulnerable, as well as the effect they have on your own well-being. The collective effort to protect each other matters. On the other hand, if you find your plan to be taking too heavy a toll on your mental health, then I think adjustments are completely justified.
I'm happy to hear that the dance class has brought you a bit of unexpected joy. You deserve that, and more. If you feel like reporting back, I'd like to know how your class goes tomorrow.



rg

[Beany Boo]

Those specific styles are informal victory dances. There to say, ‘our way of life continues’.

Through the Great Depression and WW2

I think your level of joy is entirely apt.

It’s not easy getting insight into loneliness. For me it’s:

1. A compromised sense of one’s own privacy (too many people in the past, crossing your boundaries uninvited)
2. A fear of one’s own level of neediness
3. A fear of compromising someone else’s privacy
4. A fear of bringing on someone else’s neediness
5. Uncertainty about whether you can simply be alone together and share a space with another.

It might be something different for you.

Where I am at now, none of these are unsolvable.

[oak]

@BeanyBoo: as always, thank you for sharing your insight. I appreciate your thoughtful reply, and I hope that you can chip away at any loneliness. We're supporting you.

@Rivergirl: thank you for your encouragement: yes, I think I have reasonable expectations to minimize my exposure to others and vice versa. I am sorry to hear news stories about large groups of people flouting this, at this late hour. They don't realize the very high cost of tempting coronavirus.

Regarding my mental health for the coming winter months, I am thinking about starting a thread for the coming likely second lockdown. In addition to the many fine resources I started the first lockdown with (and this forum is one of the most important), I have an embarrassment of riches to stimulate my mind and move my body, acquired since then, all within my apartment.

Speaking of body movement, the Zoom class went great, of course. It was great to be a part of something larger than myself, and not within my own head. I still have my dancing skills, and can incorporate what I learned today into my daily/hourly stretches while working from hom.

Just as importantly, the class gave me hope.

That there is a bigger world out there, a world that is generative and fun and modern and welcoming of diversity.

Depending on the vaccine timing, there may not be dancing for a month, a year, or until 2022. But when it returns I want to be ready. Becoming competent and comfortable at my new job can provide me the means to go to such adventures. Martial arts can keep my flexibility, strength, and cardio ready.

"A breath of fresh air" is kinda trite, but perfectly explains the experience. It was a moment of joy. I felt real and whole and me.

[manuel_moe_g]

You rock, Oak. A self-actualized man is a beam of light in a dark world.

[Beany Boo]

Thanks Oak,

It’s at a level that I don’t mind so much. I realize lately that it is as much me as other people. It’s also people I’m reliant on, who are too close, which then forces me to assume a lonely position. Acting kind, and genuine acts of kindness from others go a long way. I’m learning how to cultivate conditions that felicitate that. Kindness is a skill. Kindness is profound.