My upcoming week

[rivergirl]

Hey forum friends,

I'm apprehensive about posting again about how things are going for me. I don't feel like I'm as articulate or eloquent as others who post here, and I'm also thinking about Beany's and Manuel Moe's comments about the trap of feeling and behaving like a victim. I'm going to try to post about my expectation for the coming week, and later about steps I'm taking to manage it, without falling into the victim or self-pity trap, or into the wish that anyone here can solve my issues for me.

I expect this week to be extra challenging for several reasons. This week is my birthday, the Thanksgiving holiday, and a four-day weekend, but I've been encouraging my family since yesterday not to gather due to the Covid risk, especially the risk to my 94-year old mom. At the same time, I know that seeing my brother's family is one of the ways I get through holidays and long weekends. The other things going on are that my sister was moved from her latest inpatient mental health stay into a low-income assisted living facility a few days ago (both a relief and a source of sadness to my family) and I learned this past week about multiple stressful upcoming work projects.

My plans so far are allowing myself to feel whatever comes up without dwelling on it too long, eating regular healthy meals, staying hydrated, doing exercise videos and guided meditations in the evenings, and following a regular sleep schedule.

The things I'm trying to believe/remind myself of: Covid social isolation won't last forever. It's okay and common right now to experience depression, anxiety, and sadness. I'm not a bad person because I'm prone to those issues to begin with, or because Covid has exacerbated them for me. Don't focus on things I can't control, but on taking steps to control the things I can. Kindness and love still exist in the world, and in my life.

I'm scared about this week and the weeks after that, but I'm not giving up.

rg

[snoringdog]

Hello Rivergirl,

No need for posting apprehension, we're following with interest and concern. (And you are certainly articulate, insightful and empathetic in all the posts that I've seen).

Not feeling like a victim is a struggle, isn't it? We all have so many internal and external things coming at us these days...it's a constant pressure. And you have a lot big-time-stressful things you're dealing with now too.

In addition to all the excellent self-care steps you've outlined - Remember to Breathe! Take time to do it. (Every time I think to do it, I wonder why I don't do it more often!)

And work will be there. Try not to anticipate in advance, and don't be afraid to ask for help and collaboration with your colleagues. It's not all on you.

As for seeing your brother's family - have you ever tried Zoom, or some thing similar? We've used it at work a bit, at that poetry festival, and for a lecture at a local library, and it's kinda fun!

In closing, you said -
"I'm scared about this week and the weeks after that, but I'm not giving up."

You go, girl!

And if you can articulate to yourself the things that scare you, and maybe why, they become less threatening, don't they? Otherwise they're just vague, ominous and oppressing...

So.... that's *my* disjointed and inarticulate posting for ya! Meant with all good wishes.

And BTW -

[oak]

Agreed with our friend, SnoringDog.

Weekends are demonstrated to be difficult for you (and... you've survived every one so far!).

The upcoming week may be the most fraught in any of our lives:

1. It will be 4-5 days long, depending on our work schedules.
2. Thanksgiving is the most intense holiday for family-drama garbage (though it can show up any time!).
3. This is the worst part of the first pandemic of our generation.

That is a lot for anyone's plate.

Here is the good news: you have plenty of support, including here.

May I inquire as to your plan?

And, just as importantly: happy birthday!

[Beany Boo]

When I use ‘victim’ I’m drawing on Karpman’s drama triangle. If you’re ever feeling stuck, it’s in one of three roles; victim, rescuer or persecutor.

There’s something deeply comforting about your post and I can’t quite put my finger on it.

I will say this: not all moments of fear are unbearable. Failure subsides and you take another chance.

Feel scared. There are a lot of situations where it’s the rational response. Feeling ashamed or embarrassed by it in those situations no longer serves.

Fear you learnt to hide as a child, is safe to show others on your face as an adult. It will comfort others if you do.

Great plan by the way.

[oak]

Any word on the week?

[rivergirl]

Thanks guys, for all the messages, birthday wishes, and such thoughtful comments. I was really touched.

I hope everyone had a Thanksgiving that felt safe, warm and peaceful, or whatever you needed it to be.

The condensed version of my week is I had a really good few days. The pressure at work felt energizing rather than draining, I was grateful to have my birthday acknowledged unexpectedly by some coworkers, family members, and friends. On Thanksgiving I got up early to go for a walk and take photos at a local park unofficially called "Butterfly Park" where there are a series of artworks dedicated to the monarch butterfly. My brother and his wife unexpectedly dropped off a nice Thanksgiving dinner yesterday evening, after we'd told them it wasn't necessary.

Today I woke up back in typical weekend mode (feeling strange, sad, scared). I'm powering through it so far and going to view an apartment rental in about half an hour. I may post more later today, but wanted to at least acknowledge my gratitude for the forum and each of you. If I come out the other side of the pandemic with some mental health left intact, it will be in no small part thanks to your generous support and compassion.

rg

[manuel_moe_g]

wanted to at least acknowledge my gratitude for the forum and each of you. If I come out the other side of the pandemic with some mental health left intact, it will be in no small part thanks to your generous support and compassion.

So awesome for you to say!

[oak]

I’m glad Thanksgiving went well, and that you got outside. I encourage sunshine most days; I found out the hard way that Vitamin D is no joke.

And good luck for the rest of this weekend: sometimes white knuckling is the best we can do.

[Beany Boo]

Your gratitude is like manna from heaven. To have it and share it, knowing what you’ve been facing and how much you’ve been through stuff, that gratitude is sunshine.

[rivergirl]

Thank you for saying that, Beany. I've been trying a gratitude practice of writing down three new things I'm grateful for each day (even small things like a neighbor planting flowers that are blooming today). Sometimes it can feel artificial, but the gratitude I feel about people on this forum is always heartfelt.

I'm posting an update about my weekend here, but trying not to go into too much negative detail. I've had times this weekend where I felt relatively safe and calm, and other times of struggle.

Today I'm feeling pretty bad anxiety mixed with exhaustion. This is a typical weekend morning feeling and perhaps is only worse due to the length of the weekend. The other two possible causes: 1. Another incident with my sister this weekend that makes her situation seem even less hopeful to me, and accompanying sadness and guilt that I didn't try to do more to help earlier in the progression of her mental illness. 2. I looked at an apartment to rent. I have mixed feelings about the place, but seem to also be convincing myself that this is my last opportunity to escape my current living situation so I've been agonizing about the decision.

I'm going to try today to redirect my thoughts away from planning and trying to solve issues beyond today, and focus on breathing, my five senses, small tasks, and anything else I can do to stop the anxiety cycle.

rg