Estranged from parents. Am I decent?

[oak]

Hi friends.

It has been three weeks, and I've heard nothing from my family of origin.

While I was devastated by grief, especially the first ten days, I found considerable comfort in excellent Reddit subs (Estranged Adult Children and Raised by Narcissists), and some comfort through ebooks through the fantastic Libby app.

Since then, I must admit that grief has been replaced by resignation: not only was an estrangement inevitable, but it should have happened sooner, and I was far too kind and accommodating for my parents' good. I realize they could have easily and quickly resolved my grievances, but instead they choose to escalate and rage.

(I do hold responsible the media company that stole my parents and replaced them with resentful, seething zombies.)

Meanwhile, I'm not sure if it is causation or correlation, but since then:

1. I've signed up for, and am preparing for, a Turkey Trot 5K.
2. Started wearing a tie to work.
3. Women are noticing me left and right.
4. I am eating more and better: I am eating more fresh fruits and vegetables.
5. I weigh 219 pounds, the first time I've been under 220 since pre-pandemic.
6. My conscience clearly told me to start going to bed at 10 pm.

I still have plenty of problems, let me tell you.

But while I can't say that I'm happier, I am certainly enjoying life more.

[manuel_moe_g]

Too awesome!

[RightInTwo]

Late to the game here, but I want to contribute some positive thoughts (they may not seem very positive at first, but please bear with me!)

First: You are a good person. I know I just got here, but I have seen enough, I believe, to know that much.

Second: Fuck family.

I mean that.

Friends, life partners, even coworkers, are choices we make. We have no choice of the family we are born into.

That being said, the society we live in has a lot to say about the idea of “family” and we all know that all mothers always love their children with perfect love, without fault nor fail. /s
And everybody has a father. /s

So, I’m making a wild guess that at least some of the conflict you might be feeling over the no contact status you find yourself in, might be partly coming from your social/societal conditioning. You’re *supposed* to love your parents. Not doing so puts you on trial in public opinion, which always favors the parents, unless they tried to murder you. This awareness might be adding unnecessary guilt and shame, on top of the emotional pain you are already dealing with.

Having supportive family is a wonderful thing, and people who have that gift should embrace it, but some families are just too toxic, and self preservation dictates avoidance.

Third: A person’s reaction to difficult information reveals their true character.

If someone is called out by someone they hurt, and then instead of apologizing, they say shit like, “Well I’m sorry you feel that way.” Anything but just, “I’m sorry.” They are the asshole, clearly. Just an example.

The way your mom reacted says a lot, and the fact that she A) became angry, and B) hasn’t tried to reach out, rectify, or anything, looks like she might be unable to self reflect in any objective or critical way.

Narcissists are what they are because they cannot allow themselves to see any flaws in their character. That’s why it is extremely rare to find actual narcissists in places like this forum, looking for help.

You are a good person, not because you have friends, not because your coworkers like you, but because you are capable of self reflection, and you come here to help and be helped, in order to become an even better person.

I hope this gets easier for you, quickly. Sounds like you’re already off to a good start.

[oak]

You are a good person, not because you have friends, not because your coworkers like you, but because you are capable of self reflection, and you come here to help and be helped, in order to become an even better person.

I hope this gets easier for you, quickly. Sounds like you’re already off to a good start.

@Manuel Moe: Thanks Manuel Moe!

@RIT: Thank you for such a lovely, thoughtful reply. It brought me lots of comfort. Please forgive me for not replying for a week! It brought me comfort then, and now.

I have turned your thoughts, insights, and encouragement over in my mind.

Friends, I'll post again a little closer to Thanksgiving.

Need I mention that Thanksgiving was a cudgel to shame me? I have trauma about Thanksgiving.

[RightInTwo]

Awww

I’m glad you found my input helpful. I know I can be a little too intense for people sometimes. And I’m often unsure if I’m calibrating the level enough to not scare everyone away!

I wish thanksgiving wasn’t a bad thing for you. That is truly heartbreaking. I am somewhat ambivalent about it, but this year I’m really looking forward to it for one simple reason: I’ve been on a 1,500 calorie diet since July, and I can’t WAIT to enjoy our dinner (just the two of us) at a nice restaurant that we have reservations at. So, yay! food! lol

What are your plans? Maybe it’s time to start a new tradition for yourself, since it’s pretty much impossible to ignore the holidays, ready or not, nobody will let you ignore them. Do something that makes YOU happy.

[oak]

RIT, thank you for your post, and I hope you have a lovely dinner. In honor of me, feel free to drink some pop. Or, if you don’t like pop, enjoy the satisfaction of knowing you’ve helped a stranger (me!).

Here are my plans:

1. Complete the Turkey Trot 5K I signed up for.

Should I finish, I’ll be alone in person, but hope y’all send good vibes!

2. Send the photo of the finishing medal to my mental health counselor.

3. Get some Indian or Chinese food on the way home.

4. Listen to Oasis.

(I listen to Oasis any day of the year, but I’ll listen to them on Thanksgiving also.)

5. Not work, and remember all the years I did, when working retail.

6. Grieve the estrangement of my family. But how much have I lost, really? And what have I gained?

6. Plan for another 5K in six months, when I’ll hopefully be more fit!

[RightInTwo]

Good vibes definitely being sent!!! I’ll try to remember to send more on turkey day!

[brownblob]

Sending good vibes to you Mighty Oak. Enjoy your 5K and I hope the sky isn't too grey there tomorrow.

[oak]

@RIT and Brownblob: Thank you for sending good vibes. They worked!

Update! I had a lovely Thanksgiving.

1. Thanksgivings Past: in which I realize *that* wasn't normal.
2. Thanksgiving Present: First contact from family of origin.
3. Thanksgiving Present: Stranger at 5K kinder to me than my family of origin.
4. Thanksgiving Present: The food.
5. Thanksgiving Future: Excited. Next steps.

1. Thanksgivings Past: in which I realize *that* wasn't normal.

Today I read a Reddit thread about people hiding in the bathroom during Thanksgiving. I remembered I always did that, and that normal people do not drive their ostensible loved ones into the laundry room to avoid them during holiday gatherings.

2. Thanksgiving Present: First contact from family of origin.

I had not heard from anyone until one of my sisters texted me a happy Thanksgiving yesterday. I give her credit for that.

3. Thanksgiving Present: Stranger at 5K kinder to me than my family of origin.

A lovely brother was kind enough to let me tag along with his wife, daughter, and grandbaby during the 5K. He was a lovely man, and we had a great conversation during the 75-minute walk.

He showed more polite, warm interest in me during that 1.25 hours than my family had shown me in the previous ten Thanksgivings.

4. Thanksgiving Present: The food.

While I would have preferred almost anything, I got a bacon double cheeseburger and chili dogs from Sheetz, a gas station. The food was excellent on its own merits, but having peace and quiet and no demeaning made it all the sweeter.

5. Thanksgiving Future: Excited.

After playing some video games and watching some Hallmark movies, I planned for roasting tomatoes/onions/peppers for making some homemade enchiladas this weekend.

I always liked myself less after spending time with my family of origin. While this Thanksgiving was more limited, it was naturally, effortlessly easy. Cool.

With that, I'll retire this thread, for now, with gratitude.

I'll post again if/when my family or origin reaches out, but for now I'm just as happy to leave this all in the past.

Thanks for listening!

[snoringdog]

Always a pleasure to read your posts, Oak.

So happy for you!