Estranged from parents. Am I decent?

[oak]

Friends!

Six months after the estrangement from my parents, a sibling sent me an email.

(Cue ominous music.)

Who here thinks the email was conciliatory, acknowledging hurt feelings and mistakes all around, but looking to a better tomorrow? You know, setting aside real or perceived grievances, and seeing the best in everyone involved?

Anyone?

Of course not. Though no one consulted me for my side of this story of what happened that unfortunate night, in these six months, my sister says I am "cruel", "hurtful", and "broke my parents' heart". There was more, but you get the gist.

I replied with as much conciliatory tact as I could muster, promising to sit down "someday", and answer all of her questions and apologize for any untrue/hurtful things I said.

This just happened, and I wanted to use my words. I may post more, later.

In the meantime, thanks for listening!

(You all here in this forum treat me much better than my family of origin.)

[manuel_moe_g]

Though no one consulted me for my side of this story of what happened that unfortunate night, in these six months, my sister says I am "cruel", "hurtful", and "broke my parents' heart".

This makes me mad on your behalf, Oak.

I am sorry this is happening to you, you definitely don't deserve it.

I know you to be a good person, a person of the highest morals in thought and deed.

Please take care, keep us informed.

[oak]

Thanks, Manuel Moe! Your encouragement has mean a lot to me, especially since...

Well, friends, since I posted a few hours ago, perhaps many of you will have anticipated what happened next, something that just happened.

My sister replied to my email (in which I tried to be honest, and keep an avenue open to reconciliation) with a reply email that was full of rage. It was scathing.

Hindsight being 20/20, I should have not replied to her first email, but no good deed goes unpunished.

She reports that my (now-former) family is "bitter" at me for "all the lies" I told, and that I am "a fool" to throw away such a loving family. She stated that she hopes I am happy, and that it was worth it.

I am, of course, not happy about any of this.

(It is interesting to experience a trauma in real time.)

I am shaken, of course, but happily I have built a number of tools, including this fine forum here.

[snoringdog]

Hello Oak,

Rage, wow. I've never had to deal with family issues like this, and I'm sorry you have to.

So, putting your analyst's cap on, what do you think her problem is? Her motivations, expectations, viewpoint, etc

If your mother was a full blown narcissist, then your sister has been damaged too, I would imagine....

[oak]

Hi SnoringDog. Thanks for your message.

I was wondering the same thing: why did she email out of the blue, six months later?

Here is my guesses:

1. Roles are god

https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/StatusQuoIsGod

The status quo, especially "roles" in the family (depressed person, angry person, failure) are god and the roles must be protected, even if it tears the family apart.

Instead of viewing roles and identities as fluid and dynamic, we all got assigned them years ago.

Ergo, as the drunken unemployable person (June 2008 to the present to the contrary), I must have been, in her words, "a fool" and "cruel".

This is of course not a healthy way to live, but it is my best guess. Narcissism is a demanding god: no sacrifice is ever enough.

2. Secondary gain

There must have been some secondary gain.

https://dictionary.apa.org/secondary-gain

(btw, secondary gain is a dangerous thing.)

[Beany Boo]

The main thing I am picking up on is presumptuous-ness. That she believes she is entitled to speak to you in that way, is a serious red flag. It feels like she is trying to force you to manage her own feelings about the situation. Don’t let their denial of your experience be cause to regret your brave decision.

[manuel_moe_g]

Don’t let their denial of your experience be cause to regret your brave decision.

Thank you Beany for saying this, much better than i could have said

Oak, take to heart what Beany said. You are a moral man and a self-actualized man and that is threatening your small minded close relatives.

My sister replied to my email [...] with a reply email that was full of rage. It was scathing.

She reports that my (now-former) family is "bitter" at me for "all the lies" I told, and that I am "a fool" to throw away such a loving family

What a garbage lie! If it was truly a "loving family", she wouldn't have to say it, it would be self-evident

They are bitter to the core, and wretched

[oak]

@Manuel Moe, BeanyBoo, and SnoringDog: thank you very much for encouragement and insight. I appreciate it.

You all can be my temporary family.

While I will share the emails with my counselor this weekend, here is where I'm at today:

1. I am not obligated to accept anything anyone has to say to me. What my sister said, as they say, says more about her than me.

2. Considering the enormity and difficulty of facing sleep apnea and obesity, two very serious matters, I need all the good vibes, positive self-talk, and encouragement I can get. While there is a time to grieve, every minutes spent on anger or resentment is a moment I'm not spending more wisely on:

Stretching
Learning about new sleep apnea treatments
Reading inspiring stories about others who have overcome
Trying a new recipe
Talking with others on their journey, and encouraging one another, for example at the gym

This estrangement happened, is difficult, and is a source of grief and trauma. I also owe it to myself to move on, and focus on what I can control, and be worthy of my struggles to be a better version of me.

[Mental Fairy]

Hi Oak

All the way from New Zealand. I just wanted to say I’m so sorry you have gone through this. Having only two remaining brothers in my family and only one I have anything to do with as my oldest brother decided that sexually assaulting his sister was ok and life just carries on as normal like nothing ever happened. Twat!
Anywho … I just wanted to say you are an amazingly intelligent person and believe in yourself please. Take the time you need to build on your life ahead of you and know your not alone on this journey. Some people take paths that lead them right back to we’re they started. You my dear have a chance to make your own path and you get to choose who comes along your path.
Hang in there.

[oak]

@MentalFairy: hello, and welcome to the forum. I love your screen name! I'll look forward to your posts with interest. Thank you for your encouragement. I am humbled by your kind words, and hope to live up to them!

Regarding your fine country of NZ, if you'll indulge me, I'll see if I can draw some connections, that closely parallel both of our siblings, regarding a story I read recently in the New York Times:

In NZ is an ancient tree, very important to the Maori. While heretofore uninfected, there is a fungus rampant in the forest, that is easily transmitted by people's shoes and would certainly kill this very special tree. Years of pleading by the Maori and local government did nothing. They erected a fence, and people still jumped the fence to walk up to the tree.

These tree-fools, your (frankly evil) brother, and my sister all have an evil sort of incuriosity.

We can have a decent society only if we have boundaries. I am learning that narcissists do not like boundaries.