Relationship talk

[rivergirl]

I'm planning to have a talk with my boyfriend this afternoon that will likely end our relationship.

It's gray outside and my mood is very low.

I'll post here later about the results.

I wish I was a better person in so many ways.

rg

[oak]

RiverGirl!

Good luck. This is difficult.

Feel free to bookend, my friend.

[MNyby]

Please excuse me, but that "will likely end" seems to indicate that the ending of the relationship isn't a sure thing.

But privacy concerns seem more important than you posting too much detail about this situation. I suppose I am stating to please be careful about posting details. There are two of you, so don't compromise his privacy, please. Of course, also be careful about your own privacy situation. Don't post something now that maybe 5 years down the road you wish you hadn't posted.

BUT the "will likely end" seems to offer a ray of hope that fences could be mended, in a manner of putting it.

[Mental Fairy]

Good luck Rivergirl, you will know what’s right for you. I sent you strength and compassion. Do what’s right for you and allow yourself to grow.

[rivergirl]

Thank you, Oak and Mental Fairy, for your support.
Thank you for your comment, MNyby. I understand the concern about posting too much detail here.

I talked to my boyfriend. I failed to break up with him, but the discussion confirmed more than ever that the type of relationship he is willing to have with me is not what I need. I think I expressed enough of my feelings that he won't be surprised if I do find the courage to break up with him.

I'm very much afraid of another loss on top of my existing grief/mental struggles, but it also feels like if I stay with him I'm settling for a small fraction of what I really need. Also, I know from the first couple of months of seeing him when things seemed more promising that I'm capable of experiencing a lot of happiness in a relationship. I may not find that but I think I need to at least try.

[oak]

Well done, RiverGirl.

It was a difficult conversation, and it was, frankly, indicated.

There is no good, easy way to do it; and yet you did it anyway. You chose the difficult path, suffering more now, to avoid much greater sorrow later.

You’re one smart cookie.

Take some time for yourself to heal.

…I'm capable of experiencing a lot of happiness in a relationship. I may not find that but I think I need to at least try.

That, my friend, is the key.

Difficult as this was, and it was!, this is what you want to hold onto.

[Mental Fairy]

Rivergirl, you will know what’s right. When there are two lives being lived in a percentage together then there needs to be transparency with feelings. Something doesn’t have to end completely, there is always a connection somewhere. Friendship, companionship, relationship, mental or spiritual connections.
Grief is hard my dear, gosh I sound old! As it has aged me somewhat!
Recently letting go of relationships with friends that didn’t serve me in a positive way was and is hard.
I truly hope you can grow from this and don’t see it as a negative experience. There will be good somewhere that he brought into your life and letting him know that will help him grow also.
You both deserve happiness even if you don’t see it currently.
We are all here if you need some support.
Thinking of you.

[MNyby]

< < < truncated above and below the quoted words > > >

I failed to break up with him,

I'm very worried about getting too personal here, so please be very, very careful. Or just don't answer at all.

How do you define "break up"?

I mean, would that be at one end of the line ---Never See/Talk to/Meet Him Again --- or at the other end --- Strictly Platonic Relationship --- . And that "Strictly Platonic" is none of my business, of course, but some clarity as to what you are considering as a definition of breaking up would help outsiders offer good solid advice.

Well, I am not so sure about "good" and "solid" because that isn't clear until after the advice is acted upon.

The problem for me is I am in a bit of a fog here and so advising you on which direction to go is not so easy. BUT if you start to lift the fog you have to be super careful about privacy issues for both you and him.

And don't forget that the privacy issues are a possibly future thing, as in information you post now you may not want out there in ten years. So please be careful about the "fog" and whether you want it lifted or not!

[rivergirl]

Hello MNyby,

The most important aspect of the situation for me is that I want to date a man who might be open to the same type of relationship that I want (being more fully part of each other's lives over time, eventually living together if things go well, possibly marriage, etc.). Our discussions about those topics aren't at all reassuring. There are also a couple of other things that I haven't discussed on the forum and am keeping private that aren't working for me in the relationship that have become more apparent over time.

I'm not ruling out a platonic friendship but I don't know if it's something he would want, and I don't want to invest too much of the limited time/energy I have into that. I've had that experience before.

Thanks for your interest/questions.

rivergirl

[MNyby]

Okey-dokey, but it was that "my mood is very low." part which caused me to start asking questions and I would like to suggest that you seem to be approaching this situation in an intelligent way and I would offer that maybe you have no reason to be feeling low.

But I have the view that feeling "low" is much different than feeling "bad". I view the idea of feeling low as being framed around the thinking that you are doing something wrong or you are not properly studying a situation, but I think you are doing this quite right.

Now, feeling bad is a whole different thing and is not something you can avoid, if you are a good human and have true and honest feelings for the other human. Of course, you will feel bad if a relationship requires an adjustment that might cause a distance to develop between yourself and the other human.

But how to handle feeling bad about that situation is tough. Maybe somebody else in this community could be better at advice on how to handle feeling bad, as I have defined it above.

Or somebody else in this community might wish to dispute my definitions I've written above.

By the way, to go off this trail onto another; what river do you have a special feeling about? If that is the reason for your use of 'river' in your name here.