End of summer update

[rivergirl]

Hi forum friends,

I've been feeling unable to post much about myself here for a while. I think that's mostly due to shame about ongoing struggles and wanting to have more definite progress to report.

Maybe a bit of progress: Over the summer I seemed to find some degree of peace with my current living situation, and with my family.

I still have most of the other ongoing struggles with loneliness and missing having a partner, home, etc. The relationship I was in didn't end clearly, and we were still seeing each other at least a couple of times a month and in touch by text until just a few weeks ago. That's ended and I'm feeling the loss and increased loneliness more painfully than I anticipated. I also have the sense that another season has passed without my life being closer to what I need it to be. I'm still trying but having trouble sustaining hope.

Thank you all for being here.

rg

[Mental Fairy]

Hi Rivergirl,

I’m sorry you feel this way. I noted that comment at the bottom.
Your life isn’t as it needs to be? Why need I ask?
Wants and needs are both very different things so I am wondering if you feel comfortable expanding on this.

Thinking of you and please note your presence here is valuable.

[oak]

RiverGirl, thank you for posting.

These are difficult issues you've faced this summer.

Please keep us posted.

[rivergirl]

Thanks very much, Mental Fairy and Oak. I'm sorry that my post today was probably overly negative. I do have some good days when I might have written a more hopeful post.

I don't know how much of my history I've mentioned since you joined the forum, Mental Fairy. Quick version is that I was once in a long marriage and felt like I had a pretty good life, but I lost that when I was 40 and my husband left me for his coworker. I didn't permit myself to date for many years because I had a deep feeling of not being good enough. Eight years ago I lost another long-term relationship, and since then quite a few family members and friends. I'm now 60 and am afraid of a future where I'm mostly alone, living in an expensive metropolitan area that doesn't feel affordable or like my home any more.

It's a good question about wants vs. needs. I don't think I'm supposed to feel this way, but the thing that I seem to need the most that I don't have is a long-term relationship. Given my lack of close family it feels like that's the one thing that would provide me with a sense of not being alone in the world. I know that not all relationships provide that, but it's what I long for the most.

Thank you for asking, MF.

[Mental Fairy]

Checking in on rivergirl, are you doing ok out there in our mental etha?

Gosh i wish i had a Doctor Who telephone booth that took me to you all for coffee.

[rivergirl]

Hi MF,

Thanks for checking in. This week I was very busy and working late, and mostly feeling okay, even good at times.

This morning I awoke feeling really low with suicidal ideation and powerful feelings of homesickness.

My employee wrote this morning to thank me for emotional support as he went through a loss this past week. I should feel good about that, but instead feel disconnected from him and from everyone, even though yesterday at work I didn't feel that way.

I feel ashamed writing anything about myself today, even though I know how kind and nonjudgmental everyone here is.

rg

[rivergirl]

An update. Today was rough, but as often happens I felt better as the day progressed. I went out to do errands, then took a drive up the coast (sobbing most of the way, but I still saw the beautiful late afternoon ocean, and many "endlessly fascinating" seabirds at the wetlands.) I'm doing housework and ordered a vegetarian pizza for me and my mom, and will probably talk to a long distance friend this evening. I don't feel great about myself or my life, but I feel at least temporarily at peace with this day.

[oak]

RiverGirl, thank you for sharing, and for reaching out!

Yes, you are facing a difficult weekend indeed. That is a fact. No cap, as the kids say.

While fully recognizing, at the very same time you are making excellent choices today: going for a drive, eating a lovely pizza (I hope you are enjoying some peppers on it), and talking with a friend and a family member.

These are all good things. I’m glad you’re doing them.

Don’t hesitate to post more.

[Beany Boo]

Hey RG,

I am not feeling any compulsion to shame you.

I feel like that should be my greeting to you from now on. Just a way of acknowledging that I see the level of shame you experience and have no desire to add to it or stir it up. If I feel anything it is anger, for you, that you were placed in a position of which this is the outcome.

It sounds glib but I think that that is the way I will greet you. If there is anything I can add to make you feel more seen, I am sure I will work it out for myself going forward.

[Mental Fairy]

No shame here rivergirl. That drive and release is good for the soul. As is pizza. Please keep us all informed you are on my mind a lot. You have been so kind from which I’m very grateful. Here If you need a yarn anytime.