End of summer update

[rivergirl]

Thank you as always, Oak MF, and BB.

Beany, your comment about shaming me made me smile, but I appreciate the serious sentiment underneath.

Yesterday my brother offered without my asking to help me this coming week with a couple of rides and it meant a lot to me because I often feel I can't ask anyone for help, even my family.

My old friend/ex asked me to meet him for lunch today because he has a consulting job in my county. It's not a big deal but was a reason to get up relatively early and not fall into the level of depression that occurred yesterday morning.

I have gratitude for these small moments of light and for all of you. I think the shame comes from my inability to handle grief, loss, etc. better.

Thank you again, everyone who has been here for me who is still on the forum, Oak, MF/Gia, BB, MM, and SD.

rg

[snoringdog]

Hello rivergirl,

I've been following your posts too! But how to respond in a helpful way?
(Why am I so mechanical about this? Half Irish too... where's the Blarney when I need it? .....But enough about me... )

Because I often feel I can't ask anyone for help,
Don't we all have this? Where the hell does this come from, anyway? *We* are so often happy to help, and *we* feel useful and good about it.... So why can't we attribute that mind-set to others? (Is this a "Western cultural thing" or what, I wonder?)

But was a reason to get up relatively early and not fall into the level of depression that occurred yesterday morning.
Are you sleeping OK, BTW? When I'm not and get up in the middle of the night that's when feelings of dread sometimes occur. Or first thing, when not fully awake yet but on the verge, I can get into negative thought-spirals. More than once I've jumped up to get away from their clutches. Getting the jump on it as it were. Glass of water and lying prone and stretching usually helps me, when I remember to do it.

These small moments of light
God, isn't that all we ever get....

Took a drive up the coast (sobbing most of the way, but I still saw the beautiful late afternoon ocean, and many "endlessly fascinating" seabirds at the wetlands.)
Wish we could've given you some solace then... Sometimes you just need a good cry...

I have to ask - Did you stop to look at the birds? Anything you recognized?
Years ago when I was visiting Cal, I saw my first Steller's Jay. Like our Blue Jay, but with a dark/black head.
https://www.birdsandblooms.com/birding/bird-species/songbirds/stellers-jays/

I was very intently tiptoeing/stalking it thru a picnic area with my binocs, only to look up and see all the "what-the-hell-is-this-guy-doing?" looks I was getting.
(They're pretty common and Californians see them all the time ).

SD

[Mental Fairy]

Hi SD and Rivergirl

Your memory SD reminded myself of taking the boys to USA. We saw squirrels and my heart melted into the ground I was standing on. I got dirty looks from people as I was in a state of glee looking that them and their movements. It was love at first sight. I hid behind a tree and shared my lunch with him/her.
The cat tv Mazie watches every morning has all these beautiful birds and squirrels. At times I just sit and watch the colours of the birds. It seems like birds in NZ are so plain in colour.

Something I enjoy while hiking is looking at the bark on trees, I look for high jacking plants that make there way up the trucks to reach the sun.
There is a garden here called Pukeiti. Look it up and it will blow your mind. It’s about 10 min from our house and the most beautiful get away for a walk.

[manuel_moe_g]

Whoa, Pukeiti gardens, so lovely

[Mental Fairy]

Check out Pukekura Park. Especially our Xmas ones online. That’s next to my work

[rivergirl]

Thank you for mentioning the garden and park, MF. Both are lovely, and you live in such an amazing place. The rhododendrons at Pukeiti remind me of places I lived and visited in the Pacific Northwest.

An update on my week. During the week I was too busy & stressed at work, but as usual I felt more energy and hope, and less alone on my work days. I'm always hopeful that I'll have an actual good weekend, but currently about 95% of weekend days I still have a lot of grief, anxiety, and deep loneliness & homesickness. It often gets at least somewhat better in the afternoon but I can't say I've had a really good weekend since the first months of my relationship last Winter. I didn't have any appointments or plans with anyone this weekend, and that's my worst case weekend scenario. I got up a couple of hours too late both days, and was close to weeping all day Saturday. The positive is that I still got errands done on Saturday including a flu shot, and Saturday evening and most of Sunday so far have been tolerable.

My goal for this work week is to try to keep some of the energy and unpaid overtime that I spend on work for self-care and preparing for next weekend, so that I won't arrive at the weekend exhausted and it will possibly help with the weekend despair.

[rivergirl]

Oh my gosh, snoringdog!

I just noticed your response that I had completely overlooked. Thank you & more to follow.

[oak]

RiverGirl, thank you for sharing.

I’m sorry your Saturday was difficult.

I hope this week goes better. Keep us posted

[rivergirl]

Replying to some lines from your post, snoringdog,

I've been following your posts too! But how to respond in a helpful way?
(Why am I so mechanical about this? Half Irish too... where's the Blarney when I need it? .....But enough about me... )
I appreciate any response. I think the feeling of being unheard at all or writing something that makes others want to avoid me entirely is perhaps my worst fear in posting.

Because I often feel I can't ask anyone for help,
Don't we all have this? Where the hell does this come from, anyway? *We* are so often happy to help, and *we* feel useful and good about it.... So why can't we attribute that mind-set to others? (Is this a "Western cultural thing" or what, I wonder?)
I think It may be partly cultural, partly in the nature of depression not to feel we deserve help, partly negative parenting and life experiences.

But was a reason to get up relatively early and not fall into the level of depression that occurred yesterday morning.
Are you sleeping OK, BTW? When I'm not and get up in the middle of the night that's when feelings of dread sometimes occur. Or first thing, when not fully awake yet but on the verge, I can get into negative thought-spirals. More than once I've jumped up to get away from their clutches. Getting the jump on it as it were. Glass of water and lying prone and stretching usually helps me, when I remember to do it.
I'm so glad that you have ways to counteract the negative thought-spirals and dread, snoringdog, In the past I've been able to get up quickly or early enough to avoid feeling trapped with terrible thoughts and feelings. I think the fact that I often feel like I can't get up on weekends unless I have a specific appointment or plans with someone is a symptom of how bad my depression/anxiety has been in recent months.

I have to ask - Did you stop to look at the birds? Anything you recognized?
Years ago when I was visiting Cal, I saw my first Steller's Jay. Like our Blue Jay, but with a dark/black head.
https://www.birdsandblooms.com/birding/bird-species/songbirds/stellers-jays/
I didn't stop but while driving I saw egrets, herons (including a great blue heron), pelicans, seagulls, and what I think was a Cooper's hawk. We had many Steller's Jays where I lived in Oregon. Such beautiful birds.

Thank you so much for your post, SD, and everyone. I think I would feel so much more alone in my struggles without this forum and all of the kindness I've experienced here.

[Beany Boo]

I see that you feel very lonely RG and feel intense shame about it

I feel pathetic and useless saying this but I feel lonely too and feel intense shame too. Intellectually I don’t. Indeed much of my intellect is permanently engaged in forming those words; I don’t. But my body says, ‘oh no, this is definitely happening.’ Much of my days are spent mitigating the loneliness that threatens when being with other people; and what they might say.

I suck at not feeling lonely.

One of my greatest, constant fears is making others feel lonely through my presence and what I say/don’t say. I’ve probably done it just now.