Sundays in November: four bookends.

[oak]

Friends, I have anxiety. And for good reason: I have some things to face that are anxiety-creating.

Also, since the holidays and winter are approaching, this is a fine time to slow down, pull back, and ask: what is really important?

Week 1, first of four bookends:

My goal this week is limited: endure (1) my annual review at work and (2) complete the scheduled CPAP tasks, now that I am six weeks in.

Notice I didn’t say “be a huge, immortal success”: my goal is to endure. To get by, just barely.

I can create more ambitious goals in later weeks, but for the next six days I just want to complete both of these scary tasks.

Update 1 of 4 this Sunday!

[manuel_moe_g]

good luck, Oak!

[Mental Fairy]

I admire your goal setting skills my friend. Really do

[rivergirl]

I think it's wise to set reasonable goals when you know it will be a difficult stretch, and enduring difficult events can be quite enough.

Please let us know how it went if you feel up to it, Oak.

[oak]

Mental Fairy and River Girl: thank you for your encouragement. Heaven knows I needed it.

Bookend 1 of 4, Nov 6:

"Enduring" proved to be all I could handle.

Regarding my annual review, my supervisor was as kind and generous as the system allows. While there was zero talk of (1) my hopes/plans/growth and (2) promotion, it could have been much worse. I think highly of my boss and grandboss.

While a career change is indicated in 2023, I can endure this until then.

Goals, or "goals" for week 2 of 4:

1. Endure work
2. Eat on time
3. Take my prescribed Buspar
4. Show up to fitness classes

Note, please, in all of the above, where is the joy? Where is the wonder? Where is the fun?

What passes for success: my week was less grim that I imagine it could have easily been.

Is this any way to live?

Maybe sometimes just making through the week is enough.

[rivergirl]

Hi Oak,

Thank you for the update.

I think getting through this week was more than enough, and you're a success in my book.

I'm sorry that your job is still not offering hope of growth and advancement, and that the upcoming week feels like another period of endurance.
I believe with all my heart that you deserve more, as much as anyone does.

I hope you can find some small pleasures today.

rg

[oak]

Friends!

Bookend 2 of 4

I made it through the past week, and remembering the stated goal (surviving) helped me keep my expectations low. This was comforting.

***TW: situation of near violence***

For the coming Sunday to Sunday, here is my plan:

Much like the past week, my main goal is to make it through. Before mentioning two things to look forward to this week, a troubling digression.

A troubling digression

My boss and grandboss are good people who I respect.

This past week my boss gave me a project/year-end metric to meet, that, long story short I won't be able to meet.

Not because I don't want to, but because I might not be a good fit for the position. No one is a jerk here, just a matter of fit.

Here is the troubling aspect (TW):

Two weeks ago I was in a situation, leaving work, where I have very good reason to believe I was a few seconds away from being carjacked.

I was alert to this, and disassociated*. I drove to evade the situation.

(It turns out someone else was carjacked nearby the same day.)

*Like I learned with my family of origin, when a person disassociates, they're about to GTFO. There are systemic problems, with the only solution being removing oneself from the situation. A matter of “fit”, as we’ll see below.

In addition to the year-end goal my boss gave me (which sure looks like step one towards a performance improvement plan), I have every reason to leave this job soon.

end of troubling digression

This week: the grim

Wednesday, again reasonably, my boss will ask about the progress for the goal.

Then I will launch into The Speech

I have already practiced The Speech with my mental health counselor, and she approved. While careful to be (sincerely!) polite and grateful, I will explain that I will not be able to meet the goal, and offer my resignation at any time rather than be insubordinate.

This week my main anxiety will be giving The Speech on Wednesday.

While I don't want to be unemployed, I certainly don't want to risk my life for this job.

Again, no one here is a jerk, but a matter of "fit".

This week, the happy action:

Monday I'm going to a yoga class and Saturday I'm going to a local/low-key/zero-pressure strength competition.

Goals, week 3: Survive, tell the truth to my boss, and do my best at yoga and the strength competition.

[Mental Fairy]

Oak, I send you as much strength as possible. This is a hard situation to be in in regards to work.
Does your work always have such high expectations?

I do admire you have the self awareness to say your not able to reach their expectations.

As for the car jacking how did you know that it might happen? Makes me feel sick to the stomach people do this.

Thinking of you and enjoy your yoga mat

[oak]

Does your work always have such high expectations?

I do admire you have the self awareness to say your not able to reach their expectations.

Hi Mental Fairy!

Yes, the expectations were always reasonable, until this one. I don't know that they're planning on putting me on a performance improvement plan, but if they were then this would be the first step.

Much like you thinking of us on your daily run, on Wednesday I'll remember this Experience/Strength/Hope that you shared, when I give The Speech.

As for the car jacking how did you know that it might happen?

All of the signals were there: he could have gone any direction, but he was fixing to come up, from behind, to my door.

Besides being a dangerous experience, disassociation is powerful. People should not play games with disassociated people.

Between that, the need for The Speech, and being working poor for a year, I know in my soul/heart that I can't take this job much longer. 6-8 months at the most, though I have to be ready to leave it during the holidays. Which... fun.

I'll give update/bookend 2.5 Wednesday night!

[Mental Fairy]

Hi oak

Good luck my friend. It’s incredible how one’s strength can be drawn from a complete stranger.

We all stand beside you on your speech.