Confession time: I'm a proto-hoarder. Brain fog, sleep apnea recurrance.

[oak]

I always say "we are only as sick as our secrets", so it is time I take my own medicine:

1. I am a proto-hoarder.

2. I've been experiencing brain fog daily for ten days.

3. I have good reason to believe my sleep apnea has returned.

There's more I'd like to say, but just clicking "submit" below will be enough for tonight.

[Mental Fairy]

Hi Oak

I am not over sure what Proto hoarder is so you may need to help me there.

Regardless thank you for pushing submit, I am thinking of you. The fog will lift my friend.

I know I don’t have the same problem with sleep, however my ongoing nightly adventures and terrors also render me into a brain fog mess. I do hear you and do feel for you. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

[oak]

Thanks to Mental Fairy
Thoughts on the Wikipedia article
Thoughts on the UK hoarding show: such courage
Yoga in November, and trying again: the triumph of the human spirit.

Thanks to Mental Fairy

Mental Fairy, thank you for your post. Yesterday was a long day, and your kind encouragement was one of the few reasons I had to smile.

As far as the "proto" sort of hoarding, I meant to say it is latent, or just waiting for the right trigger to really get bad, like we see on TV.

1. I differ only in degree, not kind.

2. Per the range below, I am usually at a 1 on the scale the site shows, but am comfortable with living with a mess of an apartment in photo #2.

https://hoardinguk.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/12/clutter-image-ratings.pdf

3. I have many of the co-morbidities listed here (anxiety, trauma, OCD, childhood physical and emotional trauma).

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Compulsive_hoarding

Thoughts on the Wikipedia article

To quote the Wikidpedia article:

Traumatized persons may create a problem for themselves in order to avoid their real anxiety or trauma. Facing their real issues may be too difficult for them, so they create an artificial problem (in their case, hoarding) and prefer to battle with it rather than determine, face, or do something about their real anxieties.

Like the Wikipedia article says, it is easier for me to focus on clutter/mess/proto-hoarding than courageous face what needs to be faced: earning more, dating more, better physical fitness.

(I say the above not to beat myself up, but simply face facts.)

Thoughts on the UK hoarding show: such courage

I am astonished by the courage demonstrated by the participants of the UK hoarding show (available on Tubi).

To be so vulnerable, to lay bare something so easy to hide: I am humbled and astonished by their courage.

Yoga in November, and trying again: the triumph of the human spirit.

Late last year, from mid-November to mid-December I used a month-long unlimited pass at the local yoga studio.

I can see the courage in the UK hoarders because I can see the courage in me.

I have any number of reasons to slip into hoarding, disability, or morbid obesity: childhood abuse, bullying, dead brother, loneliness.

And yet I still went to yoga fifteen times during that month. It was often cold and dark out, and I struggle with flexibility. I could do about half of the poses.

Last week I was harassed/threatened, failed at key aspects of my job, and have recurrent sleep apnea. I had zero dates, ate alone for all of my meals, and sat exhausted through 2/3 of kettlebell class.

Yet I'm going to try again this week.

Maybe that is what this is all about: humans knowing that last week and last year were grim, but maybe we can be vulnerable and succeed, just a little, this week.

[manuel_moe_g]

“”” Maybe that is what this is all about: humans knowing that last week and last year were grim, but maybe we can be vulnerable and succeed, just a little, this week.”””

Hell yeah

That is the beginning and end of moving from surviving to thriving

[Mental Fairy]

Hi Oak

Thank you for explaining this for me. I am hoping your tears dry and your energy returns.

You said you felt exhausted at kettlebell training. Is that from physical or mental exhaustion?

Is it possible you’re throwing to many darts at the board at once?

Focus on two maybe three aspects of self care a month, opposed to lots.

Yes, we can use all the reasons in the world to turn into something unhealthy and not true to ourselves. I saw this yesterday with uncle whom promised he would cut back on drinking and yet showed up plonked as a jailed sailor!
He has a very negative point of view of the world due to the loss of all the family and lord knows what else I don’t know about.

You Oak, get up each day. You are capable of smiling, crying, walking, talking and hugging. You are capable of so much. You have already made great life choices and positive steps. You are doing far more than most. There is fuel in your internal system called grief, self sabotage, bullying, family issues and emotional distress. Use that fuel my friend to light that spark back up and chip away at your difficulties.

Eventually your internal candle will burn without needing to be lit. Some days it will flicker and shit there will be days when it blows out. However those days you use that grief, negativity and emotional trauma to get back up and prove that negative you wrong.

I’m listening and I’m taking on board what you’re saying.
Many times now SD has pointed out to me things i didn’t see. I learn from that. I use that and I blow it out of the water with courageous attempts of going out and facing my fears and weaknesses.

You are part of my strength, regardless of what you think.

(Phew, that was a bit of a rant! ) hugs

[oak]

Hell yeah

That is the beginning and end of moving from surviving to thriving

Thanks, Manuel Moe!

Is it possible you’re throwing to many darts at the board at once?

Focus on two maybe three aspects of self care a month, opposed to lots.

Thank you for all your message, Mental Fairy. It is encouraging.

And, taking your advice above to heart, here is my new plan for January, limited to 2-3 things:

1. Food: preparing meals and snacks so I don't end up HALT.

2. Sleep hygiene: specifically screens off at 9 pm, say.

3. Something fun/lighthearted: to be determined.

Is this something like you were getting at, Mental Fairy?

[Mental Fairy]

Hi Oak

I agree. When you’re trying to process so much emotion and emotional responses you will burn out twice as fast in many ways. I’m not an expert but I am picking up maybe too much going on at one time. Tweak little things. You have made a massive change already since knowing you on here. You may not see it but I do.

That burn out feeling, hitting the wall feeling is natural. You’re relearning yourself or exploring a new you since cutting back on people, family, drinking, bad food habits.
It’s extremely hard to manage so much change and so much emotional levels.

After you work out you feel amazing, lighter, emotionally better. Then the crash comes. The body mechanics is beautiful, scary, confronting and difficult. The emotional turmoil of losing that lovely feeling is swift. Then we feel like it’s out of our grasp and unreachable again because we are not good enough, clean enough, loved enough or enough! The cycle begins.

Spoke to a mother of a patient today whose daughter is struggling. Every test and scan done under the sun and she’s medically fine. To be told it’s a mental reaction to a family situation the mother wouldn’t accept it. The girls father is going through cancer treatment and it’s upset the girl. The mum said he’s not a nice man she shouldn’t care. I wanted to hit the mum!
Of course the daughter is worried, it’s her dad. Maybe it’s something bothering the girl has not disclosed. Maybe there is more to the story. But mum couldn’t accept the brain can cause physical conditions under stress.

You my Oak have physical conditions maybe due to body DNA, maybe trauma and maybe mechanical injuries. Or a mix of all of them. It’s up to you to process things but only in small chunks. Bite size mental pieces. To think of it all at once is too much.

we are your diary, we are the page readers and we are going to care about you. The fact someone cares about you and you have direct access to this should be more than enough to get up and move everyday.

You are enough

[oak]

Thank you, Mental Fairy. I will take your advice to heart.

I also appreciate your kind words and encouragement.

Getting more, and better quality, of food and sleep will be my goals this week.

Sleep apnea, trauma, professional goals: all of these are real issues that I wholly acknowledge. They can also wait for a week. Especially if I can get my cognition and energy back.

Thank you for standing by me!

[Mental Fairy]

We stand with you my friend.

[oak]

Hi friends!

I had this downer realization at the very height (depth) of my recent breakdown.

I’d like to just get the following out. I’m not sure if I believe any of this, but here goes:

1. Hoarders-Buried Alive (UK, available for free with ads via Tubi app) is compelling. The courage each participant demonstrates astonishes me.

2. I differ from them only in degree, not kind. Much like, and I say this with sobriety and humility, I likewise differ only degree not kind with the people on My 600 Pound Life.

Said another way, my apartment is clean and I’m no longer obese… for now.

Humans are more similar than we often care to admit.