Panic attack Thursday. Steps to mitigate this 2023.

[Mental Fairy]

Hi Oak

That’s good news. Take it as it comes.

It’s progress

Have a look online and see if you can find some you tube videos on Damien Ryder. I think it’s called The Rise.

[oak]

Thank you, Mental Fairy.

Friends, two weeks into this breakdown, I am getting better and getting some perspective.

I am feeling better because I am making some wonderful choices. More about that soon.

I am broken, but it is a clean break: "The crack is where the light comes in. -Leonard Cohen

This has been the worst month of my life, and I've seen some stuff in my 46 years. I wish none of this had happened.

That said, last night, after one ridiculous situation after another, each creating anxiety, I finally broke.

Broke in the sense of a clean break.

I didn't have to have the burden of "being right" anymore.

I am so broken, with so few answers, that there is enormous freedom. To wit:

"Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose." -Janis Joplin

A clean break also provides space for something clean and fresh and new to be filled in. I am empty, in the best sense.

First as tragedy, then as farce

Two illustrations:

https://www.reddit.com/r/videos/comments/kg5e6a/guy_having_a_horrible_day_walking_in_the_mud/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf

https://www.reddit.com/r/ContagiousLaughter/comments/mybif2/she_fell_in_the_mud_her_friend_tries_to_help_and/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf

With both, the only response to laugh. I laughed harder, watching those videos at midnight last night after another week of hell, than I had in the last year.

Not because my situation is funny- it is not- but because it is absurd.

[Mental Fairy]

Sending you a big virtual hug

[oak]

Sending you a big virtual hug

Thank you, Mental Fairy! I appreciate it. I hope you’re doing well.

Having been through some stuff yourself, have you ever found yourself laughing at the absurdity of life?

Where the only way to make sense is to admit there is no sense?

[manuel_moe_g]

"Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose." -Janis Joplin

I hate this lyric, it hits too close to home

Take care, Brother

[Mental Fairy]

I have sat and laughed at the strangest of times. One being when my Nana passed. More so because she looked so dam beautiful before, during and after. She honestly looked amazing. One thing she took great pride of was her looks!

Other times when things have got dark I have laughed in the car at myself for being so emotional. Countless times Oak. I think more so because I couldn’t take any more crap. I wondered if I was cursed or something and yelled at the ether.

I think I told you, not sure if i did actually, when I fell on the mountain and I didn’t have crampons on I laughed when the ice axe impacted on my face, I laughed at the felling of falling and not being able to save myself so close to the car park. My climbing partner was terrified, more so as he thought I was nuts. I laughed when I cut my finger off and I walked up to my friend and casually laughed and said to get Matt’s shoes and socks as I’m not going to be conscious much longer. Laughed in the car all the way to the hospital!

[rivergirl]

Hi Oak,

Just wanted to let you know that I've been reading through all your posts this week, and that I care even though I haven't found myself able to come up with much of a response yet.

It's an accomplishment to make some good choices in the midst of so much struggle and pain.

Another virtual hug from me to go along with the one from Mental Fairy.

rg

[oak]

Thank you good friends Mental Fairy, Manuel Moe, and RiverGirl!

Well friends, I continue to heal:

1. Today I began my free, 5-session counseling provided through my employee assistance program.

2. While I think I'm through/past the acute anxiety stage, I have just begun to address the causes of the breakdown. With my new, temporary counselor I identified those wreckage-causing problems as:

a. Broke (lack of professional options)
b. Lonely (especially for feminine energy)
c. Sleep apnea (recurrence of)

3. In addition to facing the root causes of my anxiety, I want to increase my toolbox of anxiety-reducing and anxiety-prevention tools: sleep, exercise, nutrition. (Much of this is in the Bourne book.)

Coming up

This week:

1. Monday

a. Back to the dental specialist because I think my root canal is failing (because of course it is, because this is my 2023).
b. Counseling session with regular counselor.
c. Important appointment with my sleep apnea specialist (neurologist).

2. Wednesday: second of five sessions with EAP counselor

3. Friday: Dress-up drinks/dancing at regional world-class museum. I don't know anyone, or have a date, but I'm going anyway.

[Mental Fairy]

What’s happening with tooth oak?

Swelling or feeling like it’s hitting the other teeth first when you close teeth together?

[oak]

What’s happening with tooth oak?

Swelling or feeling like it’s hitting the other teeth first when you close teeth together?

Hi Mental Fairy!

The tooth feels fine.

I can’t say anything is hitting anything, or swelling.

The gum around it has… pressure? A sort of tightness? Very rarely it has a little burning pain.

All of the above is never more than a 2 on a scale of 1 to 10. I’d say it is usually a 0.5. Just more uncomfortable than painful.