Oak’s midlife crisis and the Anna Karenina principle.

[oak]

Friends, with your kind indulgence I have perhaps thirty posts I'd like to share about what it means for me to be a modern American man.

Caveat: if you are sensitive to frank discussions, especially plain descriptions of evaluating one man against another, this thread is not for you.

Two visions of Gen X masculinity
The choices I face Friday, February 24, 2023.
Overview of this thread, and defining my terms

Two visions of Gen X masculinity

To begin, I offer you two visions of American manhood

1. Gap- Country commercial (1999)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uIbz6lQ569M&ab_channel=BetamaxKing

2. South Park World of Warcraft (2006)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IpC4tkWDvfM&t=31s&ab_channel=TheLastMillennials1994-1999

In the first video the men are fit, talented dancers, and dressed well. There is vibrant music and lots of feminine energy.

In the second video, especially the grown man in glasses, there is obesity, incontinence, sloth, indifference, junk food, messy living spaces, poor grooming, and bad complexions.

Note: I have done all of the above myself, over the years. Both sets of men are me.

The question becomes, post-nervous breakdown: which man will I be?

The slovenly video game player, or the vibrant country brother?

***The main point of this whole thread:*** I am very much drawn to sloth, obesity, and nihilism. I admire NEETs and Hikikomori more than I admit. Yet I increasingly act like the men in the first video.

The choices I face Friday, February 24, 2023

What does a man do?

More importantly, what do I do?

What do I do tomorrow, Friday February 24th?

Three specifics, my dear friends:

1. First thing a man does: be someone to be seen

Like the esteemed brothers in the first video, I like something called "modern western wear". Here is a good idea:

https://tinyurl.com/mwtvud72

We can wear jeans to the office on Fridays, and I understand that "cowboy" and "western" are archetypically appealing to women who are attracted to men. I am something to be beheld.

Will I wear my modern western wear Friday?

2. Second thing a man does: he moves

Will I go to the HIIT fitness class Friday?

3. Third thing a man does: be honest, and stand by the courage of his convictions.

Owing to the (sadly predictable) failure of the "missing missing reasons" talk in November, it is time for the "Dutch Uncle" talk with my employer. Kind and respectful, but plain and direct. Dutch Uncle.

A man should be willing to take a stand on a truth, as he sees it, and be willing to accept the good and bad from the courage of his convictions, until such time he is vindicated or is presented compelling evidence to change his stance.

Can I prepare, on Friday, a brief Dutch Uncle talk for my boss?

Overview of this thread, and defining my terms

I plan to share many videos. I hope to post much more about this struggle with modern American manhood.

I'll also define my terms, starting now, with all terms set off in italics the first time I use them (including above):

Dutch Uncle: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dutch_uncle
Missing Missing Reasons: https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html
Archetypes: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jungian_archetypes
HIIT: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/High-intensity_interval_training
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hikikomori
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/NEET

[oak]

What is the good life?

Right now, at 10:07 on a Saturday morning:

The groceries are bought.
The gas tank is full.
The clothes are laundered.
The apartment is clean.
The lentils, later today to be a taco filling, are soaking.
The roast for tomorrow is thawing.
The grapes and blueberries and shishitos are in the fridge.

This is the good life: I owe society nothing until Monday at 8:30 am.

All of my needs are met, as are some of my wants.

Likewise, the promised report from yesterday:

1. Western wear: I received several compliments. Also, as they say, "my eyes are up here".
2. HIIT: I didn't make it to HIIT, but I'm doing a Zoom class of barre in a moment.
3. I have a broad outline of what I'll say to my boss, which may be enough: one doesn't have to worry when telling the truth: it has its own power and simplicity, for what it lacks in accuracy and completeness.

In summary, for today

I am clearly going through a mid-life crisis, as is appropriate and good.

Erikson's stages of psychosocial development

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Erikson%27s_stages_of_psychosocial_development

To use one example, barre is an aspect of the good life.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Barre_(exercise)

Though I have a complex relationship with meat, this morning I enjoyed a homemade burger with fresh onion and shishitos, and steak sauce.

Maybe the question is not "what is the good life?", but "does steak sauce make my February 25th better? Am I a little happier after the Zoom barre class?"

Edit to add: Happily, contrary to what I wrote in the first post, I have never been incontinent. I’ve failed in all the other ways, though.

[Mental Fairy]

Hi Oak

I am admiring your ability to write these posts and find many points interesting.

Heading south today for a running event and will think about this and reply as there is many points I wish to chat about here.

One thing that stands out is the vast difference in the modern American man vs the kiwi man. Very very different, yes extremely similar from an American influencer kind of way.

[oak]

One thing that stands out is the vast difference in the modern American man vs the kiwi man. Very very different, yes extremely similar from an American influencer kind of way.

I hope your fun run goes well, Mental Fairy!

And yes, by all means, please offer any thoughts.

I’m very interested in anything you’d like to share.

[rivergirl]

Hi Oak,

I'm enjoying your posts, and the videos. I'm happy to hear that you're doing well at the moment, in the midst of your mid-life crisis. I think you're at an excellent age for said crisis, rather than waiting until you're closer to my age.

I have so very many questions and thoughts about femininity and masculinity, exploring and integrating those qualities, and about whether or not that binary division even makes sense to me any longer thanks to the example of younger generations than mine. Just wanted you to know I'm paying attention but am trying to hold out on reacting with my own thoughts (for the moment at least, can't guarantee how long that will last!)

rg

[oak]

RiverGirl, hi! Great to hear from you. I hope you’re doing well.

Yes, by all means, I give you the warmest of welcomes to write anything you like. I’d be delighted to hear anything you have to say.

[oak]

(Thanks to our good friend Mental Fairy for mentioning the US Civil War, and the north/south alleged divide.)

Caveat: I like the South, Southerners have been kinder to me than my native Northerners have been, and I wouldn't hesitate to move to the South (especially for love or money).

Main idea: I am drawn, irresistibly, to what and who I am not. This is unconscious, powerful, and not anything I'd want or seek.

Who I Am

I am a northern, agnostic, and I have a graduate degree. I like NPR, sushi, and This American Life.

Who I Am Not

I am few or none of the archetypes in this fine video, The Civil War's "Barton Hollow" (2013).

https://youtu.be/ooTyuRd9zSg

I identify the following Southern Gothic archetypes:

Religion
Death
"Father"
Sex, desire, and repressed longing

Like this video, two of my other favorite Southern Gothic works of art revolve around a dead man (or a dying man):

Big Fish (2002 film)
S-Town (2017 podcast)

Death, sex, longing. I try to repress these things, but I am drawn to things I don't identify with, but deeply am.

[Mental Fairy]

Hi Oak

Interesting information posted thus far by yourself regarding the modern man.

I am so very much interested in your point of view as i live with and are married to a kind of man that is a mix of 80's kiwi/southern man.

There is an element of interest that i see through our patients in the exotic man, more so in the younger age groups. I am deeply saddened by the women/young women coming through with very false attachments, such as lips, eyelashes, nail, skin colour and eye colour. All to draw in the member of the opposite sex that is to fit into the mould they are primed by social media to have. I am grateful we don't have detachable limbs and torsos for these young people who would end up looking like a species unknown to us older ladies and maybe older men.

I am not an external judger. Personally i don't understand the draw to the men who are tall, dark and handsome. There is an element of a protector i get drawn too, hence your post in regards to modern man. The modern man here is NZ is someone that to myself is somewhat unappealing for reasons as i feel from our countries standpoint a large degree of "me me me syndrome". The confusion about what a modern man is could be debated for hours. The question i feel is, does the modern man really exist or is he the product of social media expectations, is he the man that becomes something he really isn't in order to draw a mate. From what i have seen of the teen generation of women currently and maybe even up to the late twenties, i fear what is to become of the future.

If i was asked to draw a kiwi man that represents us as a nation in my generation, i would draw a farmer type man, red band gumboots, oilskin overcoat or swanndri top standing next to a bit of land with all he needs on that land. He wouldn't talk much but would give the shirt off his back to anyone that needed it.

If i was to draw a modern man of NZ for the younger generation he would be in a business suit with fake tan, arrogant, detached and self centred!
Then you have the up and coming lost generation with lack of guidance, prerogative and confidence thanks to the failing school systems and support.

This is all very debatable, but also interesting as 80% of our tv is american influenced. 10% British and 10% NZ/Aus. Even our adverts are american and seldom kiwi made. I think we have to look back through history as see that things changed dramatically post Vietnam war here. The men of that era came back very different and the nation as a whole changed with the atol bombings also. Men were men apparently when they went to war. Not when they were in the shearing sheds with the shed, or milking cows.

[snoringdog]

Hello,
Just a few somewhat inchoate ideas to add to the mix....

Q - Does one need to be married the be a "real man"?
(Lots of offshoots to this I think...)

Q - If married, does one need to have children to be a "real man"?

Q - About New Zealand - Many people have heard about "Botany Bay", and the Aussies sometimes get ribbed about their ancestors being criminals, no?

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Botany_Bay

So, how much does the history of the English "settlement" of New Zealand echo down to today? (like the mythos of the American West might do here. “Strong Silent Type, etc).

The idea of “striking out on one’s own” seems primal and is a trope for defining a “real man” but at this late stage we seem to have reached a limit.

(Whenever the book of Isaiah was written, this line appeared -

“Woe to those who join house to house, who add field to field, until there is no more room, and you are made to dwell alone in the midst of the land.”

What the hell did this mean, written so long ago?

And this is so sad – Brazilian men want to have their own patch of the Amazon (like in the American West), but it’s a finite area, and indigenous tribes are feeling the pressure.

Nat Geo documentary - "The Territory"
https://youtu.be/wL9wvdbk7A4

....It’s been noted that in a dystopian scenario, it won’t be the “survivalist” loners (men) that survive, but those that can make connections, and cooperate towards a goal.

[Mental Fairy]

A quick post and i will be back SD and Oak

Was thinking about this topic this morning and i feel oak you are looking for you. Yourself. You are looking for yourself. Asking yourself who you are after the situation with your family, your work and your experiences.

Maybe if you strip away the events that have happened to you, take away the memories of everything and see who you are without those thoughts. Not a victim, not a son, brother....and so on. Just you without these things. What makes you tick. You are a man. Don't fall into the trap of being part of a group. Strip the ego back. Thinking along Beany lines here. Who are you without ego?

We need to go beyond the ego? What does it feel like to be you, your inner most you? The modern man is not the essence of who you are. You are not your body. I note we are all suffering, being with the body, the mind and the trauma, race, religion and so on. We need to look deeper maybe, past the modern man and into the yin and yang of self?