Mental health: living according to values and principles: 2017 and now.

[snoringdog]

Based on that episode alone, I think you should.
Physical threats (with guns!) outweigh any kind of TPS adherence scenarios that you're facing.

Maybe it's time for everyone working there to call a meeting with the bosses, if they haven't done so already.

No one should have to face harassment and threats trying to get into work.
(Your colleague is probably pretty shook up. I would be if a gun were pointed at me).

[oak]

Based on that episode alone, I think you should.
Physical threats (with guns!) outweigh any kind of TPS adherence scenarios that you're facing.

Maybe it's time for everyone working there to call a meeting with the bosses, if they haven't done so already.

No one should have to face harassment and threats trying to get into work.
(Your colleague is probably pretty shook up. I would be if a gun were pointed at me).

Well said, SnoringDog, and I agree. I hope to find better work soon.

In the meantime, perhaps no one will be surprised to hear that the TPS saga continues:

After I sent the authorized information, they asked me again, for more data, unrelated to the first request. They of course did not follow the procedures I clearly spelled out in my original reply.

Also, these "TPS reports" are reports to the federal government, with my name on them. It is sensitive data. No procedures are being followed. My conscience is very troubled, and I am ready to resign.

Update

Edit to add, thirty minutes after posting the above:

Friends, I just had a "this is a difficult conversation" conversation with my supervisor.

I offered two options:

1. My supervisor handles this situation going forward.

2. I resign because I will not send the information.

He agreed to #1, and "wants to have a conversation" next week about why I have these concerns.

Shake my head, as the young people say.

[snoringdog]

Good job Oak! (Your action, not your position )

SMH indeed.

But if it's a Federal requirement, and it'll have your name on it, it should be a straightforward discussion, no?

I have no idea about any of this, but the TPS report must mean something, no?
And there are actual test procedures you use to catch bugs, insure interoperability and such, right?

(No need to answer in any detail, or at all. I'm not looking to open a can of worms here for you).

Wishing you the best!

SD

[oak]

Good job Oak! (Your action, not your position )

Thank you, SnoringDog. My conscience is clear, now.

I hope you're doing well.

At the risk of sounding off-topic, here is what surprises me: many people in our society are willing to go way out of their way to not address simple but difficult questions. In this case, my question is "Why did this request for sensitive data not go through the prescribed channels?".

Another example

I've confided in three people that I've experienced sexual harrassment.

An ordinary, non-insane person would say "I'm sorry to hear that", and probably leave it at that.

Would you believe each of these three people gave me the same questions:

"Are you sure you were sexually harrassed? What happened?"

Now, to their credit, one of these people immediately regretted asking me, apologized, and stated why their question was insensitive and offensive (I accepted their apology). This person, who has a strong and healthy conscience, demonstrates that conscience know when they are wrong: their conscience tells them.

Rant about "family secrets"

I'm rambling, but here's what I'm getting at:

* My work situation
* My estrangement from my parents
* The subject of the excellent (and infuritating) podcast The Retrievals
* The buried/exposed hurts resolved in the charming podcast Heavyweight
* Many other examples, often involving "family secrets"

All of the above could be solved with thirty seconds of direct, honest, unsparing declarative statements.

Example:

I might well not be estranged from my parents had they had the courage that I, frankly, demonstrated today:

"Oak, we see with our own eyes that you disassociated, just now (2021), right in front of us when your sister, our daughter, let her loose dogs jump on you. We know that you have childhood trauma from loose dogs jumping on you (since we, your parents, allowed it happen right in front of our eyes, in 1981, when you were five). We will discuss this current situation with your sister, and it will never happen again."

How hard is that to say?

Not fun, to be sure, but it is plain as day.

[snoringdog]

We know that you have childhood trauma from loose dogs jumping on you (since we, your parents, allowed it happen right in front of our eyes, in 1981, when you were five).

That has to be traumatic. At 5 years old, a medium sized dog is as big as you are!
And if they're uncontrolled even if not meaning any harm, that's unnerving. (Even for an adult).

Was your sister having "fun" at your expense, or is she just oblivious?

[oak]

Was your sister having "fun" at your expense, or is she just oblivious?

She was oblivious because she could be: she has all the safety nets I don’t have: a spouse, her own family, an extended family, her own home, money in the bank, vacations, standing in the community.

I say all that not to whine (maybe a little!), but to illustrate why she could be so certain. She has many layers to protect her.

She is sort of like a mini-Tom Buchanon, from The Great Gatsby.

Said another way: my disassociation when her dogs jumped on me didn’t matter, in practice, because I am who she could be: no one is promised money, family, or community esteem.

[Edit to add, regarding the previous and next paragraphs: I meant to say something to the effect that siblings are one of the few people who can hold a mirror up to who we really are, and who we could be. No one is more similar to my siblings than me, and if I can end up broke/lonely then they could too. It is easier to avoid that cognitive dissonance and just blame my misfortunes- including disassociating- on my short end of the stick regarding The Just World Hypothesis. I hope this makes some sense lol.]

And, according to their Just World Hypothesis, she has worldly rewards due to her virtue and hard work, while if dogs jump on me, well I must have done something rotten to deserve it.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Just-world_hypothesis?wprov=sfti1

That’s what I tell myself, anyway!

If you were to ask her why the dogs/disassociation happened, it would be The Narcissist’s Prayer:

That didn't happen.
And if it did, it wasn't that bad.
And if it was, that's not a big deal.
And if it is, that's not my fault.
And if it was, I didn't mean it.
And if I did, you deserved it.

[troebia]

That didn't happen.
And if it did, it wasn't that bad.
And if it was, that's not a big deal.
And if it is, that's not my fault.
And if it was, I didn't mean it.
And if I did, you deserved it.

Narcissistic behaviour is why I keep several members in my family, and also a couple of "friends" at arm's length since almost ten years ago. It dawned on me how they used me when convenient, and never expressed any gratitude. Also, MY problems weren't REAL ones.

[Mental Fairy]

Gosh I felt the pit of my stomach just turn when I read the narcissists prayer.
That was so my mother. I have never heard of that prayer and I felt every word as if it was coming from her mouth.

When my nana was dying, literally on her last hour of life I sat on the left side of her bed and my nice brother on the right. We talked to her and held her hand. The other horrible brother comes in and said ‘nah she would be dead until tomorrow, I’m going to get a cold beer in a warm pub’ (it was winter)

When we told our uncle (her son) what his nephew said over his dying grandmother (who bailed him out of bankruptcy twice) he didn’t believe us. He couldn’t see how horrible this man is because he was a lot like him. It’s like they look after their own kind. Aaron and I stood our ground and spoke our truth. I don’t believe narcissists have a caring bone in their body until it suits them or if they will benefit from something if they show some form of caring act. There has to be something in it for them.

[oak]

He couldn’t see how horrible this man is because he was a lot like him. It’s like they look after their own kind.

Well said, Troebia and Mental Fairy: there are a lot of people with personality disorders out there. And their devotion to “family secrets”! They value these secrets, many of which are not even secret anymore, than their actual family members.

Well friends, I have a plan for a frank conversation with my supervisor tomorrow (Monday). Like the family secrets above, these supervisors really do not want to check with Legal for these “great ideas” (which follow no procedures).

(Said another way: many people would rather weeks of stress and eventual estrangement/resignations than have a difficult but liberating five minute honest conversation.)

In the meantime, I’ve been through mental and physical hell: I was up half the night with abdominal pain (ulcer?). I can’t continue living like this.

I have concrete, clear goals that are approved by my counselor and friends, which I hope to post more about here.

In the meantime, I found myself hoping that the bad things in life would stop coming at such a fast rate. Not (1) that bad things would stop happening, which is too much to ask for or (2) that good things would happen (since the good things in life are for others, not me). Just that the rate of bad things would lessen.

[oak]

What happened today (Monday)
Nothing is resolved, and this will probably come up again
Four hours of mental and physical hell Sunday morning

What happened today (Monday)

This morning my supervisor stated that he is "taking it from here". He declined a chance to meet to clear the air.

Nothing is resolved, and this will probably come up again

I've been around the block too much to pretend that this is either (1) resolved or (2) will not be brought up again.

I hate to say it, but I can see this very line- the one I'm typing right this instant- quoted in post in a few weeks/months, to the effect that whatever caused this was not resolved, and because it was neglected it festered and blew up. Somehow this will go wrong.

Bigger picture, I am increasingly astonished at how all sorts of people avoid talking about things.

Four hours of mental and physical hell Sunday morning

Between the stress and some highly suspect serrano peppers, I most likely had heartburn Saturday night into Sunday morning. I thought I was dying of appendicitis, as was this close to going to the emergency room.

That night was the worst four hours of my life. That is really saying something.

(Then, strangely enough, I had a lovely day the rest of Sunday. Life is always surprising.)

I want to pick myself up, this week, and begin my life anew. I can't keep living like this, my friends.