Like I've been run through a meat grinder

[Jenny Jump]

I had an enlightening session in therapy today.

I verbally admitted to my therapist and spouse that I feel that the only real thing I have to contribute to the world is my sexual side. That I love that kind of attention, that I have dreams of being in complete control over someone and dominating them. I feel like I've been run through a meat grinder.

Look, I know I have more to offer the world than my tired ol' vag. I just get this high from flirting that I cannot describe. It feels good to know that someone wants me. I know this is the aftermath of sexual abuse. I just don't know what to do to get rid of it, I'm covered in so much of it's goo that I feel like I'll never come clean, that I'll always have some sort of stench from the abuse.

I used to minimize my abuse because it was an isolated incident. I held it deep inside and didn't come out with it until my first hospitalization when I was 17. Since talking about it, I realize that moment leeched itself into my sexual history and many of my relationship decisions have been tainted by my abuse. I've endured a date rape, some unwanted gropes and advances, and paired myself with undesirable people just because of something that happened when I was five years old.

Sigh. I know I'm going to get better. I just feel so mentally exhausted from saying what I said out loud. Any of you ever experienced this sort of thing? Surely someone has. What did you do to take care of yourself after a real soul searching session? I just want to eat a bunch of chocolate and go to bed.

[meh]

I went back into therapy a few months ago - my psychiatrist insisted.

My therapist is no-nonsense. If she thinks I'm bullshitting her or being evasive, she'll cut me off and tell me.

There have been more than a few sessions where I sat in my car in the parking lot afterwards shaking and crying.

My issues are hugely different from yours - I'm dealing with bipolar disorder and how it's fucked my life and is destroying my marriage. But I guess if we're coming out of our sessions feeling like we've been punched in the stomach, we must be doing something right.

[Jenny Jump]

Thanks, meh.

I had an overwhelmingly depressive state for a couple of hours today. I just wanted to leave work and go home to sleep, but I didn't--I hung in there and listened to the most recent episode of the podcast Before I knew it, my work day was over!

I'm still feeling really raw about my admission. Not sure where to go from here. I thought it was sad that I thought my sexual side was my only worth. I'm still sad about it. I keep thinking of a list of things that I'm good at that don't involve that:

I'm a good mom--I love smelling my kids and snuggling with them.
I love to cook
I love to make art, but haven't in a really long time
I love to write, but haven't in a really long time--I'm mad that I lost my hard copy of a novel I've been working on and can't seem to get myself to move forward when it comes to writing.
I'm smart. About what exactly, I'm not sure. I just know I'm not stupid.


And I'm sad that's all I can come up with for now.

[meh]

Why are you sad? That's a pretty good start.

[Jenny Jump]

I think I'm sad because by all other evidence, I should be doing stellar. That discovery about how I view myself and contributions to the world was depressing. At the same time, it felt really good to get it out and just say, "Yes. I love sexual attention from other people. I like knowing I have enough of that energy to interest someone and fear of ever losing that power." For a moment, I looked outside of myself and listened to what I said. If I heard a friend say that sort of thing, I would be really sad because people have much more to contribute than their sexuality.

Someone recently suggested going to an SLAA meeting. I'm considering going, but am afraid of two things: 1) that my polyamorous nature might be viewed as something to be fixed and 2)that I'll be one of those Stuart Smalley types that attend multiple support group meetings. Who wants to be friends with a crazy person like that?

In the meantime, I'm maintaining. I'm going to work when all I want to do is sleep. When I feel really funky, I stop and cuddle my kids and ask them questions to ground myself in reality. I'm making plans to do something special for my upcoming 40th birthday with my family. I'm living and not hiding. I just need to get through this rough patch.

[meh]

I haven't done group therapy yet for pretty much the same reason - I don't want to be fixed and I don't want to sit around for an hour comparing notes on how broken we all are. But maybe I should at least go try. Which I will at some point.

You're here and talking. That's a start.

[Jenny Jump]

Things were starting to look up for a while. I started a new job and have felt really good about it.

Then I met my training supervisor. She's a real piece of work. She introduced herself by saying, "My style is straight, to the point, and obnoxious." At least she knows.

She trained me, and proceeded to rip me a new one. I can't describe the things she said because I found myself shutting down. Anyone else ever experience that?

Back to the meat grinder.

[weary]

Anyone else ever experience that?

Yep.
Do you mean you were shutting down when she was ripping you a new one, or when you were trying to describe the things she said, or both? For me, it's usually both, but I was just curious.

[Jenny Jump]

When she was "constructively criticizing" me. I talked with someone later and they said I have to take that person with a grain of salt.

[Jenny Jump]

I'm back and stepping out of the meat grinder with a set of new eyes. Fresh out of the hospital, had a new med make over and coming to terms with my eating disorder and newly admitted sex addiction. That was my 7th hospitalization since I've been 17. I don't want to have to go back, ever. The meds were working for a bit, but found out I'm highly allergic to lamictal, so me and my shrink team are trying to figure out what else I can take. I'm now on triliptal and wellbutrin xl.
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