Stepping out of a depressive episode

[manuel_moe_g]

Stepping out of a depressive episode. Was a deep and long one, but I have so many tools that I made it through in pretty good shape. I learned some really depressing things about myself, but in a way I feel more secure knowing that my relationship with reality is on a firmer footing.

[1] It could take all my strength and dedication and discipline just to _lose_. I fell for the lie that succeeding is the only possible goal. But I have a relationship with suicide, so mental places that others are free to visit, I must absolutely avoid, and this take strength and dedication and discipline. And if I couldn't see a path to success, I would give up. Don't do that, Moe! I may have to work my tush off just to live long enough to _lose_. And that is OK.

[2] Politics is a real distracting time-suck for me. I get off on righteous indignation. Stop it, Moe!

[3] Still working through the idea that the things that I _thought_ were my greatest hopes and dreams were just distractions for me to help ease my daily anxiety. "A simple prop, to occupy my time." This explains why I never took any concrete steps to accomplish them - actually doing them wasn't the point, they were just daydreams for the reduction of my daily anxiety. That is pretty depressing. When I dream of living a life of accomplishment, while standing in the shower, I now remind myself that those thoughts are not part of a life of accomplishment, but those thoughts are, instead, just about reducing my anxiety level in the now.

[4] As a child, I could live inside my mind. That left me unprepared for aspects of physical reality, and I would get frustrated easily. It is much easier to think about a solution than to physically perform the solution! I am, at the age of 42, reminding myself that frustration and irritation are not helpful reactions to the performance of simple physical actions. Better to have a quick meditative break, and start again.

[5] I am praying to a statue of Jesus the Good Shepherd. I am praying and begging for the gift of grace to help me live. I am an atheist, but I have recovered this one piece of my religious childhood because I need strength because I am so weak and scared.

[weary]

Hey m_m_g:

Kudos to you for the profound insights. Sorry that you were in the throes of an episode, but seems like you pushed all the way through it and emerged in a better place. A lot of the things that you described apply to me as well, though I am really struggling to accept them and learn how to change. I'm really glad you posted this - it helped me to read it today. Of all of the things that you are trying to get yourself to stop doing, please don't stop sharing your struggles on the board. Keep doing that, Moe!

[manuel_moe_g]

Hello weary! You have no idea how your reply felt like a supportive arm on my shoulder.

You deserve better than I can give. I am thinking about you, friend. I will pray for you - and a prayer from an atheist is such a rare thing it must be worth double, at least!

[manuel_moe_g]

Besides anxiety, depression, issues with rage, suicide, Aspergers/Autism-spectrum, obesity, sleep apnea from snoring, and fatigue, lets catalog my personality disorders!

I will just go through Wikipedia - Personality disorder from top to bottom.

Schizoid personality disorder Yuppers, except for the coldness. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and sincere people in pain motivate sympathy in me.

Narcissistic personality disorder Yuppers, except I suck at overtly hurting people, and I can maturely take criticism, even to the point of seeking it out in places where I wish to improve myself.

Avoidant personality disorder Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Winner, Winner, Chicken Dinner! This is the reason why I suck, why I am a fraud, why I am no damn good.

Depressive personality disorder Yup

Passive-aggressive behavior Yup

Tomorrow I will work on how I could effectively manage the unruly beast that I am.

[sdjustinr]

I relate to a lot of the pathologies as well. I had my first nervous breakdown after reading The Divided Self by R.D. Laing and then seeing a lot of myself in the diagnostic criteria for schizoid personality disorder. Also, your #3 hit very close to home. It takes real strength to come to the conclusions that you've come to and I hope you can find some comfort in that.

[manuel_moe_g]

OK, lets go into more detail!

Anxiety - great effort put into reducing my anxiety level, but I have to admit that my motivation is all anxiety based, so I am looking for a "sweet-spot"

Depression - distorted thinking, too pessimistic

Rage - in circumstances where someone is violating a moral principle, and threatening my ego, I can succumb to violence, pathetically

Suicide - I just don't trust that my will to live will always be there - I have a nagging feeling that I have the capability to decide to snuff myself out and do so

Aspergers/Autism-spectrum - who cares... seems to hurt only me, so not a big deal.

Obesity - I use food to distract myself and moderate my anxiety

sleep apnea from snoring, and fatigue - also, I use naps and oversleeping to moderate my anxiety - if I am unconscious or dreaming, I am momentarily free from anxiety

Schizoid personality disorder:

• unsociability, quietness, reservedness, seriousness, eccentricity.
• sensitivity, nervousness, excitability.
• honesty, silence, cold emotional attitudes.

• Consistent preference for solitary activities.
• Very few, if any, close friends or relationships, and a lack of desire for such.
• Taking pleasure in few, if any, activities.
• Indifference to social norms and conventions.
• Preoccupation with fantasy and introspection.
• Lack of desire for sexual experiences with another person.

Not a big deal... seems to hurt only me.

Narcissistic personality disorder:

• Takes advantage of others to reach own goals.
• Expects to be recognized as superior and special, without superior accomplishments.
• Envies others and believes others envy him.
• Is preoccupied with thoughts and fantasies of great success, enormous attractiveness, power, intelligence.
• Lacks the ability to empathize with the feelings or desires of others.
• Is arrogant in attitudes and behavior.
• Has expectations of special treatment that are unrealistic.

• Seeks to counteract or cancel out deep feelings of inferiority and lack of self-esteem; offsets deficits by creating illusions of being superior, exceptional, admirable, noteworthy; self-worth results from self-enhancement.
• Feels privileged and empowered by virtue of special childhood status and pseudo achievements; entitled façade bears little relation to reality; seeks favored and good life; is upwardly mobile; cultivates special status and advantages by association.

What I hate most about my narcissism is that it builds a wall between me and someone nearby who is suffering. It is wrong not to help someone who is nearby and who is suffering, when they are being sincere and open and receptive.

Avoidant personality disorder:

• Hypersensitivity to rejection/criticism
• Self-imposed social isolation
• Extreme shyness or anxiety in social situations, though the person feels a strong desire for close relationships
• Avoids physical contact because it has been associated with an unpleasant or painful stimulus
• Feelings of inadequacy
• Severe low self-esteem
• Self-loathing
• Mistrust of others
• Emotional distancing related to intimacy
• Highly self-conscious
• Self-critical about their problems relating to others
• Problems in occupational functioning
• Lonely self-perception, although others may find the relationship with them meaningful
• Feeling inferior to others
• Utilizes fantasy as a form of escapism and to interrupt painful thoughts

• Internal discord and dissension; fears independence and dependence; unsettled; unreconciled within self; hesitating, confused, tormented, paroxysmic, embittered; unresolvable angst.
• Intensely wary and suspicious; alternately panicky, terrified, edgy, and timorous, then thin-skinned, high-strung, petulant, and prickly.

• persistent and pervasive feelings of tension and apprehension;
• belief that one is socially inept, personally unappealing, or inferior to others;
• excessive preoccupation with being criticized or rejected in social situations;
• unwillingness to become involved with people unless certain of being liked;
• avoidance of social or occupational activities that involve significant interpersonal contact because of fear of criticism, disapproval, or rejection.

• Avoids occupational activities that involve significant interpersonal contact, because of fears of criticism, disapproval, or rejection
• Is unwilling to get involved with people unless certain of being liked
• Shows restraint within intimate relationships because of the fear of being shamed or ridiculed
• Is preoccupied with being criticized or rejected in social situations
• Is inhibited in new interpersonal situations because of feelings of inadequacy
• Views self as socially inept, personally unappealing, or inferior to others
• Is unusually reluctant to take personal risk or to engage in any new activities because they may prove embarrassing

This one is huge for me. The only solution is to {A} "Always Be Starting" tasks that scare me, and {B} to jump into a task when I know I am just 60% ready, and to {C} "pull the trigger" when my self is _screaming_ to avoid at all costs.

Depressive personality disorder:

• Usual mood is dominated by dejection, gloominess, cheerlessness, joylessness, and unhappiness
• Self-concept centers around beliefs of inadequacy, worthlessness, and low self-esteem
• Is critical, blaming, and derogatory towards the self
• Is brooding and given to worry
• Is negativistic, critical, and judgmental toward others
• Is pessimistic
• Is prone to feeling guilty or remorseful

• Patients in this subtype are often hypochondriacal, cantankerous and irritable, and guilt-ridden and self-condemning. In general, ill-humored depressives are down on themselves and think the worst of everything.
• Patients who fall under this subtype are self-deriding, discrediting, odious, dishonorable, and disparage themselves for weaknesses and shortcomings. These patients blame themselves for not being good enough.
• Patients who fall under this subtype are consistently unsettled, agitated, wrought in despair, and perturbed. This is the subtype most likely to commit suicide in order to avoid all the despair in life.

The best way out of this is just to see that the mind is distorted under depression - like looking out a dirty window, or trying to use a distorting fun-house mirror. Objective evidence and rigorously and objectively comparing self to cohort is best way to get a valid, undistorted outlook.

Passive-aggressive behavior:

• Grumbling, petty, testy, cranky, embittered, complaining, fretful, vexed, and moody; gripes behind pretense; avoids confrontation; uses legitimate but trivial complaints.
• Opposition displayed in a roundabout, labyrinthine, and ambiguous manner, e.g., procrastination, dawdling, forgetfulness, inefficiency, neglect, stubbornness, indirect and devious in venting resentment and resistant behaviors.
• Contentious, intransigent, fractious, and quarrelsome; irritable, caustic, debasing, corrosive, and acrimonious, contradicts and derogates; few qualms and little conscience or remorse.

When one is moving forward, very little time left over for being passive-aggressive.

That is it!

It can take all my energy and dedication and discipline just to _lose_, and that is OK. Don't fall for society's tricks to make one always grasp for the illusion. Moving forward is a skill that can be developed with practice. Don't be afraid to pray for strength and mercy and grace - it is one solution to "I can't; but I must"

I am a "fake" and a "fraud" and I operate to the best of my limited ability, and I can be cheerful in spite of it all, and I can be open to those in pain nearby me.

[weary]

I am a "fake" and a "fraud" and I operate to the best of my limited ability, and I can be cheerful in spite of it all, and I can be open to those in pain nearby me.

I would argue that makes you the most absolutely authentic person that you can be, and not a fake or a fraud at all (unless I completely misunderstood what you were trying to say there).

BTW - even though I have been told by several therapists that I do not have a personality disorder, I certainly identify strongly with the last three (avoidant, depressive, and passive aggressive). There are subtle but important differences between symptoms and disorders (i.e. being obsessive and/or compulsive vs. having obsessive compulsive disorder).

On a related but interesting (at least to me) note, the National Institute of Mental Health (of Secret of NIMH fame), the major federal funding source for research into human brain science and behavior, is actually abandoning the DSM-IV (soon to be DSM-V) handbook defining psychological disorders, and are shifting the focus of the research they fund into understanding the changes in brain function and other clinical measures caused by mental illness rather than the subjective categorization of disorders historically used by psychiatrists. So a lot of those disorders (which as you look at them again, can be somewhat vague and overlapping, and even healthy well-adjusted people can identify with some of the criteria some of the time) may be recategorized as their biological causes and treatments become better understood.

http://science.slashdot.org/story/13/05 ... approaches

[manuel_moe_g]

I am trying to crawl out from under depression and anxiety. I feel fairly confident that I have reached the limit of what I can do with pharmaceuticals.

I feel the friction of who I am, and people I admire, and a positive imagining of my own future. It is no wonder that I am "avoidant" because I feel the tingle of anxiety whenever I try and do _anything_.

I am playing with statements like these:

• I am a fake, and a fraud, and a loser, and a bad person.
• My highest goals are really just daydreams I play with to reduce my anxiety in the moment.
• It can take all my energy and dedication and discipline just to _lose_.
• My life is just running away from everything, in a pathetic attempt to escape anxiety.
• But the joke is, in the absence of all anxiety, I am completely inert.

I feel these statements can break the rest of my ego down, to prepare me for the following:

• It can take all my energy and dedication and discipline just to _lose_, but that is OK, because the idea of "losing" has nothing to do with daily working toward inner accomplishment.
• I can be open to people nearby who are in pain and suffering and who are open and honest and sincere - and that is awesome.
• I can "always be starting"
• I can "begin when you are just 60% ready"
• at any given moment, I can manage my anxiety and the expectations of the world
• I can pray for help
• I can, in my own time, replace habits of avoidance with habits of positive action, and I can be effective

[weary]

I can, in my own time, replace habits of avoidance with habits of positive action, and I can be effective

I really like this statement. I need to tattoo it on the insides of my eyelids.