I want to blink out of existence.

[sdjustinr]

The past week or so has been a killer for me. When people try to engage me in conversation the words don't come and I just stand or sit there blanky after uttering one or two syllables. I guess I am just emotionally overloaded because I don't feel any embarrassment about it though I guess I should. I really want to sit quietly and meditate but I'm afraid of what will come up. I would really like to kill myself, as if it would be something really nice to do for myself like go on vacation. I'm just worried about the person I've become and the pain that I feel. I don't really want to see another therapist. The last one I saw told me that anyone as depressed as me would probably have killed themselves already. What a vote of confidence! I just don't want to deal with creating a rapport with someone. I'm just too fucking tired to to do any of it, medication etc. seems like too much effort that could come to naught.

[sdjustinr]

I am surprised when people talk about the things they like to do. For me, everything is so calculated, I try to do the things I somehow think I'm supposed to do. It doesn't matter what I like to do. In fact, the things I like to do just become unhealthy and repetitious. It's been this way almost as long as I can remember.

I don't want to go to work today. I really don't think I can handle it. I need to quit. Today might be the day. It, like suicide, feels like something I need to do for myself.

I don't understand what it is that made me this way. Wouldn't it be funny if all these thoughts were just habitual, something I resorted to to get me to act and reach out to someone. But I mean, I really don't believe i deserve to be around the company of good people. Everything in my head is so fucked.

[oak]

Hey sd!

I am sorry you are suffering. I am glad you used to your voice to reach out in this forum.

As far as "how" to "fix" your situation, I don't have any suggestions, since I am barely keeping myself together.

Just know that someone has heard you.

[Herself]

Do you have anyone else to talk to? I know you don't want to see another therapist, but it sounds like you really need somebody. Please think about it.