Crazy-Making Behavior and Boundaries

[weary]

I'm trying to be OK and take care of myself and my shit. I'm exhausted and drained.

My wife and I had an hour-long... I don' t even know what to call it anymore. A fight? We weren't yelling. An argument? A discussion? I don't want to deal with her shit anymore. I don't even know how to explain it. Most of our problems come down to the fact that we have different expectations for EVERYTHING because of how our families were as we grew up, and we have very different views about what it is we can expect from ourselves and from each other, and there are things that she thinks are reasonable that I don't and vice versa, and it is fucking exhausting. You would think after being together for 15 years we would have learned how to manage some of this stuff. Instead, we've made it worse.

I don't understand how I can be so angry, so sad and so scared at the same time. Sometimes I am sure that I want out - no question about it. I would rather run the risk of being lonely and broke for the rest of my life than to have to be controlled by her chaos for one day more. And other times, I feel like no matter how crazy she behaves, no matter how upset I get, I could never, ever leave no matter what. And I can't even have that conversation with her, because even expressing that much triggers abandonment fears and she will lash out with rage or sadness. So I am stuck - the walls go up because I can't be honest with her about my feelings, and I don't feel confident that things are going to change enough or soon enough. She behaves in ways that I don't want to deal with anymore. Somehow no matter what happens, I'm always the bad guy and it's always my fault. And I feel painfully guilty for thinking about the possibility of not staying married, or god forbid that maybe I can find someone else out there who is less crazy or at least more able and willing to do the hard work to address their problems that maybe I could find some peace and stability and get my needs met. I love my wife and she loves me, but I feel like I have given up and sacrificed so many basic needs and wants for the sake of her and our marriage and I have this growing dread that sometimes surges to a panic that it might have all been for nothing, because all of it ultimately did not create the circumstances in which we could both get our shit together enough not to make each other miserable.

I'm so, so overwhelmed and confused. Things are OK to good about 50% of the time, and really bad 50% of the time, but even in the good 50%, there are still so many things that I want and need that I think are just "normal" and reasonable that aren't there and look like they will never be there. And the really bad 50% can be really, really bad. And there is no predictability for what will trigger the bad 50%, how often things can turn on a dime, etc. So even during the good 50% there is a lot of walking on eggshells. In fact, probably the only reason that we have a good 50% is that we (or at least I) walk on eggshells and avoid conflict just because it is too scary and exhausting to fight and be upset all the time. So the issues that I'm upset about don't get addressed ever, but she gets upset when she needs to get upset. And then when I finally do get upset about the things that I was burying to have a little calm and peace, she gets more upset because she thought things were "fine" during the 50% of the day/week/whatever that we weren't fighting. It is fucking crazy. And I'm doing a shitty job of explaining things.

All I want to be able to do is set a reasonable boundary. Like leave me the fuck alone for half an hour so I can think. Or if you want to stay married and live in the same house, you have to learn how to pick up after yourself. But I guess things like that are not reasonable in her world, and so as long as I'm living in her world, I have to suck it up.

[gfyourself]

Hi Weary,
This seems like a hell of a lot to unwind in a forum discussion, or even possibly with a close friend. Have you considered marriage counselling?

Also your quote

I love my wife and she loves me

Not to criticize but... I don't see a whole bunch of evidence this is the case in what you've written. At least, it seems that there may not be a lot of love in your daily actions and behaviours.

But what do I know, I'm just a jackass who doesn't tell dick jokes

[weary]

This seems like a hell of a lot to unwind in a forum discussion, or even possibly with a close friend. Have you considered marriage counselling?

It's probably stupid to post about this on here. I have posted about many of these frustrations at length in the past but I don't know if it really helps. It is exhausting to talk about with anybody, because there is so much background to go through. I have gone through some of it on various threads on this board, but I don't blame anyone for not really wanting to read them.

We are both in individual counseling, and spent some time going to marriage counseling, but the consensus was that we can't fix our marriage until each of us can fix our own issues. I am having a hard time fixing my issues in the context of the chaos of hers. But I am a shit for sometimes wanting to not have to deal with hers.

Not to criticize but... I don't see a whole bunch of evidence this is the case in what you've written. At least, it seems that there may not be a lot of love in your daily actions and behaviours.

I must admit to having a very angry initial reaction to what you said. But I guess I deserve it based on what I wrote. And I guess it's part of the problem. Neither of us really feel loved in the way that we want to feel loved, even though I think we are both trying our best to be loving. I think we both struggle with loving ourselves in the context of trying to love the other person. And struggling with the idea that the other person's best may not be good enough. Or that our best might not be good enough for them. I could give you a huge list of all of the actions and behaviors carried out over days, months, years that are evidence of my love for her, but what would the point be? I feel taken for granted and I'm sure that I disregard or take for granted many things that she does because I am so unhappy about the things that I want and need that she can't or won't provide.

[gfyourself]

Thanks for posting Weary and saying that you were angry initially about what I said.

I don't think there's much point for me to say anything more, except that I hope you find some peace and happiness however things develop over time.