isolated, stressed, worried

[caminante]

Hey all,

After a period of time where work was going better (I'm freelance, so basically I was lucky to have steady work for a number of months until it suddenly stopped just before the holidays), it came to a halt, and meant I had to step up my self-marketing, networking, etc. (All things that do not come naturally to me, and raise my anxiety, even though I know they're doing me good ultimately.)

Based on last year, my income estimate meant that I was qualified to receive my healthcare via my state's Medicaid expansion. That was both a relief (I don't have to figure out how to pay for health insurance right now) and super depressing (I come from a middle class family, was incredibly lucky to graduate from college with no student loan debt, and yet have struggled to overcome depression and anxiety enough to support myself financially). Right now I'm worried that there's something wrong with some of my teeth (old fillings needing to be replaced, most likely), yet can't seem to motivate myself to figure out how to find a dentist with my new coverage--and I'm not actually even sure I have dental. I'm worried both that I don't have coverage and will have to try to figure something else out, and that I DO have coverage, that because it's Medicaid I'll have to go to a dentist that isn't as good as the "regular" one I went to growing up in a family w/ full health/dental/vision insurance. (I know this is likely totally misinformed--it's totally based on my fears and probably also the shame I'm feeling about having to access such assistance.)

Just feeling stressed, stuck in a negative loop, and like each step that I need to take feels like so much work. And my circle of friends has shrunk in recent years, and I work from home, so I think I'm just feeling really isolated on top of it all. (I do live with my boyfriend of many years, and have a dog and a cat, but feel like I'm not connected enough right now to the greater world. And too afraid to look for a job that might put me out there more.)

Thanks for listening,
K

[manuel_moe_g]

Hugs to you, caminante. {{{warm internet hugz}}}

[Frootsy Collins]

Hey Caminante,

First of all, with the economy the way it is, A LOT of people from middle-class backgrounds are going through what you are, and there's not reason to feel ashamed of it. I came from an upper-middleclass family myself, have a college education, and I still have an entry-level job after a long period of unemployment. It's a situation that's out of our control.

I really relate to your feeling of every task seeming incredibly draining. That's a really common symptom of depression. With the situation you're in I can definitely understand you feeling that way.

Have you tried seeing a support group? It sounds like your healthcare might make it difficult to see a therapist, but support groups can be really inexpensive or even free. I've been seeing one for the past few months and it's really helped. I have a tendency to isolate too, and just being around a regular group of people who are having similar struggles is really valuable, and is helping me branch out a little.
If you're concerned about procrastinating about finding a new job, they can also be really helpful to check in with. You could use them as a motivator by looking forward to sharing your accomplishments every week (or however often the group meets).

Just try to take baby steps and try to enjoy yourself in the meantime. Living for the future and waiting for circumstances to change that allow happiness can be really draining in the present. Try to find something that you enjoy to reward yourself for applying for jobs, and practice compassion toward yourself.

I really relate to the situation you're in, so feel free to message me if you'd like to talk about this more with someone.