All my problems came to a head around 8 months ago when I ran off on my bike in the middle of winter with suicide in mind. After a hellish few months my problems seemed to be easily fixable if only I "bought in" and kept on working. But right now lately I've been feeling a little lost. When I was really bad a few months ago I really did lose touch with reality...I dont really talk about this in therapy and to be honest I'm not only embarrassed, but also ashamed. I believed I was going to be a superhero, or more of a serial killer.(( I want to make it very clear right now I'm mentally stable and receiving treatment)) But when I did feel this way... I did feel like even though my life at that moment was very hard it all had a underlining purpose no matter how demented. The eating disorder did the same thing for me..Making it feel like I was on a great journey trying to reach this "perfection" that the closer I got to the closer to death I got. This feeling of lostness, or rather meaningless has been kind of haunting me lately. I've abused some substances trying to run from it, or running into emotions like anger to suppress this feeling that seems to consume me.
This feeling is not alone though, with this feeling comes a very big feeling of guilt. During the time I was struggling allot, I was also supporting or, at least doing what I though was supporting allot of other people who were struggling with issues very similar to mine. Through my recovery process I had to let go of these people. This for me has been horrible, I feel personally guilty for each and every single one of these friends..I feel like I've abandoned these people contrary to what I promised them. I know these feelings may not be based in reality but they are still bothering me. The guilt also comes from all the lieing and hurting of people I do. I lie to my therapist, parents, and friends. For some reason I just can't or maybe dont want to share what Im really feeling to those close to me. My actual mental state is probably worse than what they suspect, and I feel like if I dont communicate soon I might go back to my old ways. Whats keeping me from doing this is the fact that all these people will know that I lied to them all so easily.
Some days I also seem to have very little empathy...and my therapist says I need to learn how to express more feelings compared to few Im used to expressing. My little empathy, paired with this feeling of guilt and this lostness is combined into this weird almost overpowering feeling. I also think that I'm still striving for that "perfection" just at the moment due to my recovery situation not through my body. I keep thinking about suicide daily, although I've been very close in the past I still hear today which I think speaks for itself. I feel like though even another part of me is still egging all my negative behaviors on, telling myself that I havent suffered enough (whatever that means?) or that I deserve everything that's happening. I get obsessive thoughts and maybe this could just be a negative manifestation of that?
It felt really good to get these things off my chest, and part of me wants to dismiss this as all of "teenage mood swings", but I guess if it bothers me I should try to at least fix it. I've read through of this thank you, and know that you have my support and love regardless of what your life is like or who you are
