illness and identity

[in_media_res]

Yeah, I do. Very much. I struggle with it often. I tried to share this with my former therapist at one point -- I get that I'm not really my illness or my neuroses, but if that's not me then just who the hell am I? She didn't get it, and was dismissive of the whole thing. In hindsight, should have been a warning.

But in any event...

There is a Buddhist teacher I listen to who asks that question - who would you be if you weren't feeling these thoughts, and weren't so identified with the pain. It's meant as a tool to explore what we're feeling, and get at how we identify with our thoughts. It's hard, all the more so because that initial question is so hard to answer -- I actually find it frightening. But I've been able to start using it to pick around the edges of some of my thoughts. It's helpful, more so with someone who can work with you to help you from just falling back into the same un-productive cycles.

Maybe it will help to acknowledge that a part of you will be gone -- but remember it's a part of you that isn't helpful. It's not necessary to be loyal to your suffering.

[fifthsonata]

I like those thoughts, thank you for sharing.


I'm surprised your therapist didn't understand that idea. If she was dismissive instead of listening to this new idea...I'm hoping you found a new therapist. When something has been a large focus of your life for over half of your life, it's natural to consider it as part of yourself.


I guess what's most scary is that....you have to rebuild yourself. It's not that you have to release the pain completely, you have to let it go like a bad breakup. Figure out what to do when it's gone. Rebuild habits, thoughts, and actions. As an adult it's like reverting to being a teenager - I know mental illnesses, especially those like eating disorders, leave you emotionally stunted. It's your coping mechanism and without it, you realize you're missing essential tools for dealing with life.


Are you still struggling with this, or have you been able to get a foot in the door and start working on it?

[in_media_res]

My post was somewhat cryptic. When I said her failure to get what I was talking about should have been a warning, I was referring to her subsequent termination of the relationship a month or two later. I suspect she'd already checked out. I've written about that elsewhere on the board. She did it in the middle of a session, was dismissive and sarcastic and has refused to meet with me since then. I'd been working with her for two and one-half years at the time. Apparently I'm a real pain in the ass. That was two months ago, and I've been struggling with it ever since - very deep, suicidal depression.

That said, I have managed to find a new therapist who's been doing some different things to try and help. I'm still struggling, but there's enough optimism to get me through the day.

To get back to the point of the thread, it's deeply distressing to me that do much of my identity is apparently warped up in what others think. In this case, my formed therapist. But I'm continually wrapped up in what she did to me, and in how I seem to be so weak in my ability to just let it go and get on with things.

For what it's worth, it seems a little less daunting if I think of it as a process of discovery, rather than building. At least emotionally. It's like the Buddha story I told the other day. You just have to believe its in there, somewhere. It's a matter of finding it.