Self-employed, and depression

[dare i say it]

When I was younger, there's a section of the young adult library that had a series called 'coping with...',

God, I wish my life came with an instruction manual! I'd flip right to the troubleshooting guide, find my issues on the list, and get to the bottom of this shit in no time.

For someone that loves to figure things out and have a solution, and have a guide for stuff, this is about the hardest thing I've done.

I know this feeling all too well. Oh, what I wouldn't give to have my health be like computer software! Then, if I looked closely enough at it, I could "debug" it--a complete and permanent fix. While I know I have to let go of the idea that I can control everything in my life, it's just as important to look for ways I can influence my life. The more I look, the more ways I find. So that's good, I guess. It's not perfect, but it's something.

[MaryJ.]

I just joined this board and this particular subject caught my eye and is the reason I took the time to join. I have Dissociative identity disorder (DID)- as I explained with a post to introduce myself. Now at 53, I've been self employed since the age of 19. I tried to work for someone else- tried hard at it for 10 years- but my personal issues made it impossible because I can't get close to people without freaking out. It's embarressing at this later age to still have this issue, it never went away, but I've never really dealt with it until now. I had a business partner in my first venture and it lasted 20 years, but was a disaster because we both had issues. It was a rough go. 5
years ago I started my second business. I can say I seem to be successful at building a business. It's like acting. I act confident and I do know what I'm doing and I can disapear into that person I become... but no one can really get to know me. That's not so bad when it's my own business because I use the excuse of being "professional" and not "crossing boundries" to my personal life. I've been asked out for coffee, asked to parties, asked to join in on a pizza party- the list continues. I've had a lonely adult life and terrible childhood and it's so frustrating that I can present myself in such a way that people want to get to know me- but I can't respond. I hope my new therapist, who is working with me on my past- will help me see some light instead of this pit of darkness I've lived my whole life in. My ray of light is that I did find my life partner 17 years ago- so I'm as lonely as most- but a marriage isn't exactly a piece of cake either. Life takes work and a willingness, a belief that things will work out in it's own time with perserverance and positive thinking. It's not easy- but it's possible.

Just wanted to add my 2 cents on this subject.

[justdom]

Hey MaryJ, and welcome! It's really good to hear from other people who have been there, and can at least say there's some point after the dark one we're currently in. It sounds like your adult live has been really challenging, but I'm glad you've got someone to work with through some of the issues.
Starting out, I thought that all I would have to do is focus on what I could do, show it to people, and that's how I'd get clients and work. A year later, and I realise that business is all about the skills you DON'T currently have; in my case it's sales and marketing. Finances prevent me from bringing someone in, and while those words always remind me of new car lots or the sales cheering I used to hear in some of the places I do have to work, I've got to find a way to make it work for me. Currently I'm struggling with being angry myself; in another post I wrote how there's a part of me that wants to exact revenge on myself for being unable to take care of protect myself. Combine this with trying out something which will have a large amount of failure initially, and sometimes I just find myself doing laps in the kitchen. You're right though, and thanks for reminding me-sometimes it just takes work.

[manuel_moe_g]

I've been asked out for coffee, asked to parties, asked to join in on a pizza party- the list continues. I've had a lonely adult life and terrible childhood and it's so frustrating that I can present myself in such a way that people want to get to know me- but I can't respond.

I am feeling this loneliness too. It is strange that being happily married doesn't relieve the loneliness from not making friends you have a complete connection to. Anything that has to do with friendship, in adulthood, I feel a great distance in everything I do and try.

[justdom]

I've been asked out for coffee, asked to parties, asked to join in on a pizza party- the list continues. I've had a lonely adult life and terrible childhood and it's so frustrating that I can present myself in such a way that people want to get to know me- but I can't respond.

I agree manuel. I've never been in a relationship, but I always got the impression that was one of the perks, and when my friends went off to find boy/girl friends, I'd always feels my friendship was downgraded.

I was explaining the same feeling to my therapist today. I've managed to run around in all these discrete circles, and yet all the people in say, the gym, are completely different from the the people say, at school. They never mingle, or meet, and I feel like I'm living my life in compartments.

[MaryJ.]

Starting out, I thought that all I would have to do is focus on what I could do, show it to people, and that's how I'd get clients and work. A year later, and I realise that business is all about the skills you DON'T currently have; in my case it's sales and marketing.

Can I just say one thing about that? Internet advertising. It's been my trick. My latest business, when I first started it 5 years ago with very little money- I was lucky to run into someone online who did my web site through Word Press for free. It's easy, IF you know what you're doing. I do not- when it comes to computers. Then I went to other business websites that had product that involved my business and where they list links, ask to be added- and tell them you will add them to your website. It's free and I did drum up business to get started enough to know that this business was do-able. Then I took a leap of faith in myself and advertised with AT & T online where they then positioned my website ad in premium spots. It was well worth the money it costed because it gave my business the boost it needed so now I have a full clientelle and no need to advertise. Yes- selling yourself is a do-able challenge- but I don't feel like sounding like Zig Zigler. He's a good booster of self esteem- I think.... but for cryin out loud don't listen to him when you are having a bad day. I find a high annoyance factor then.