I never let myself ask for help

[littlevittles]

I am stuck in a paradox right now as a bipolar II attempting to complete a Master's Degree

The paradox is that my counselor has no idea how to write a Masters in Museum Studies paper, and I am terrified to ask anyone in my field for help.

I was such a great student in undergrad, and it was one of the only things I took pride in. I am smart, motivated, and a fast learner. I had high grades and was so passionate about history and was the queen of the Above and Beyond. Of course, with my bipolar, it was never good enough, and I loathed my classmates who slacked off and got the same credit I did, always wanting MORE acknowledgement because I HAD to be BETTER BETTER BETTER than everyone else.

This spilled over into Graduate school, which I jumped into too quickly and almost killed myself. I stopped taking my meds and treated graduate school like undergraduate - boy was I wrong. I started abusing ritalin to get my work done, finding going to school full time and working part time way more overwhelming than I remembered, my OCD and bipolar unmedicated and, of course, completely out of control. I was living with people who weren't in graduate school, who wanted to smoke and drink and binge all the time, and although I had the combination of motivation and social anxiety to stay in most of the time, it created this guilt and this feeling of "I never go out, I am a loser, I am less cool, no one likes me, I am dead to the world. Screw school. Screw people. Screw me." I pushed my boyfriend of three years away. I felt like I had lost everything.

Of course, the rollar coaster never stays at the bottom of the track, so I spent the next three years riding it. Sometimes so depressed I would drop out of school, sometimes so motivated I couldn't stop smiling. Money was always an issue, I either was spending it like crazy on a manic phase or so upset that I was SUCH A LOSER because I couldn't pay my bills.

ANYWAY - THE CONCLUSION: I successfully completed graduate school - with a 3.8 that I can't give myself credit for - and have only my Masters Thesis left to get my degree. But I just can't let myself do it. Every time I start, I convince myself I just can't do it. I fumble, I lose my notes, I get too scared, I have writers block, my topic isn't good enough. People keep asking how I am doing on it and I lie through my teeth - oh, 20 pages in, or 50 pages left, or whatever depending on my day.

I have been digging this hole for so long. I am so scared to ask for help, because I assume no one wants to help me. Why bother with this stupid little girl? Even though I know I have the respect and concern of my advisors and mentors. I am so embarrassed to admit I have a mental disorder, because I still don't think I have admitted it to myself. But I also NEED to finish this paper, so I can get a big-girl job, so I can move out of this city, so I can love myself.

I just have no idea how to do this.

[Steve]

Well, there is a lot to deal with in your post. But first things first...let's get that paper written. If you could focus 100% on it, how long are we talking about that it would take you? And when must it be competed?

[remarks]

I can relate to a lot of what you say. I am currently taking graduate courses at night to try to finish my master's so I can quit my unfulfilling job and move away from this dead end town that I've been stuck in my entire life.

I also have trouble asking for help. Just the other night, I was struggling to figure something out in class that seemed very easy to me. Funny how I told myself it was easy, yet I couldn't figure it out. I've had this professor for several classes now, and I think she has a pretty high opinion of me. So I wouldn't dare ask her for help because I didn't want her to think I was an idiot. Well, it turns out everyone else in the class was having the same problem with the task that I was and someone was brave enough to ask the professor for help. I no longer felt dumb about needing help, but quickly turned to feeling ashamed for not asking the question myself. It's going to be a long semester.

My advice (for what it's worth): try to take on school one day/class/assignment at a time. Try not to focus on the big picture so much. Just prioritize what has to get done. "I have to put on my socks before I can put on my shoes," etc. It helps me. Good luck.

[fifthsonata]

Oh, oh, oh, I was there! I was there!

My last semester my eating disorder spiralled out of control, tried to commit suicide, and was hospitalized.


I finished my thesis that summer after I got out. I had a block as well and didn't know where to go.


This was my solution - I asked for help.


I went to my advising professor (the chair of my committee). I am happy I did this right after I got out of the hospital or I'd have been screwed - I went straight to the professor and told him everything. He didn't know how to respond (I mean really, how DO you respond to a student that says "Hey, I'm anorexic, I tried to kill myself, help me with this thesis?").


I was honest and said I needed some encouragement and to go easy on the critical approach - that was something I knew I'd need to keep some mental stability. What could help you in terms of encouragement to write? Think of emotional terms - sometimes professors can be stressed and take it out on the grad students. If they know you need a little extra, they'll remember.

Then, I told him I needed some help planning the next chapters. My brain wasn't really "there," and I needed a little extra in terms of getting my cognitive train of thought going again. Do you need the same?

I had an outline of content, but research and the content itself was difficult. He helped me review it and gave me advice on where to go next. He was good in his leading - he helped me set up ideas and a skeletal outline for research, but I did all the work. He essentially got me "thinking" again. I'd bet your prof can do the same.


The last part, and most important - I set a schedule for myself. It was hard to stick to, and I didn't always do it, but after I got into the routine (and didn't beat myself up over not following it the first few days, so don't do it to yourself or it won't work!), it was easier.


I set a time, place, and duration for studying/research. The computer and internet are distractions for me, so I printed off my notes and virtual articles in the mornings. In the evenings, I'd go to the library and reserve a room, then write. Every 10 minutes I'd get up and walk around the library....and then as I got used to it, I'd walk every 20...then 30....and stuck with 30. My attention span is limited, definitely. Walking around every so often helped maintain focus. Sometimes I'd stand and write, and sometimes I'd even....sit under the table, or on the table, whatEVER it took to keep my attention.

I also checked in with the professor every week and send him what I'd written. Having an accountability was a HUGE help. Initially, he didn't ask for a set amount of pages - but after a few weeks he'd tell me how many pages would be reasonable to meet the deadline.



So, the moral of the story -

ASK FOR HELP. Your advising professor has likely been through a LOT of master's students and has heard it all at some point. Go in, be honest, and ask for help. You have a mental illness and it has impeded your ability to continue your thesis. Tell them you need help, tell them what you have so far, and say you need guidance in continuing. Tell them what is effective for you in terms of approach (how to talk to you, how to criticize the work without triggering you, etc). Make a plan.


You don't have to tell anyone else! Just the advisor - this could be what you need.