Dating Downs.

[MarcD]

So this is something that has happened in the last few days with me, and I wanted to see if others have gone through the same thing or are going through it now and get some feedback.

I'm 29, male, and I've been trying to date again after moving back to Chicago. I've been single for a while, and my dating and relationship history, to me, hasn't been all that great. The longest relationship I've been in has probably been for 6-9 months, and I usually was the one that ended things because I felt cornered and trapped by commitment and I desperately needed to run away only to look back and go, "Why did I leave? They really liked me, and I liked them. This blows." I also feel like I've 'settled' for a lot of people who I probably shouldn't have dated because they had a lot of problems or issues they were wrestling with or just didn't have their shit together. I think the settling stems from having really low self esteem for a long time and feeling, "Well, this is the best I can do because anyone else is WAAAAY out of my league and they'd probably say no even if I asked." Also, lots of online dating through chat rooms and craigslist, which probably isn't giving me the best crop of folks to choose from and making interacting with a person anonymous and "safe" when I probably should be meeting someone face to face instead.

I met this person off of their Craigslist post over a week ago and she seemed like they had a lot of good things going for her. We had a lot of the same things in common, she seemed to have her shit together and wasn't coming off of a marriage or a horrible ex-boyfriend, which I usually end up meeting and dating. She had both a BA and an MFA and is a special education teacher, and the job that I'm passionate about, puppetry, has me working with kids which I love to do. So, two creative, fun people who have good senses of humor who love working with kids and have a lot in common. Great, right?

Then things took a turn, and it was all on me. We only chatted on the phone and texted for a week, and even had phone sex twice. In all that time I was alright and felt fine, and even glad and happy when I would see a text from her or a phone call. There was this ease and comfy feeling. I also knew what she looked like, and I thought she was really cute, but I hadn't seen the rest of her, just her face. She had 'warned me' that she was heavy but loosing weight, which I could identify with because I've been wrestling with weight issues for a long time. I'm 6'2 and weigh around 300 lbs right now, and because of my frame I 'carry it well' but I still feel gross at times when I see myself naked. One night this week I asked to see her facebook page and she wasn't thrilled about it because, "All my fat pictures are on there." I told her, "We're going out this Friday and meeting for the first time, I'm going to see you anyway, so?" So I got to see her. She was bigger than I thought, but I didn't recoil in horror, and I said not to worry I was still interested.

Then doubt set in. And I started to feel anxiety and overwhelmed by us meeting on Friday. The texting was flirty but also getting personal on both ends, with each of of giving pet names to the other and her saying, "I really like that you think I'm so cute!" or when I was getting ready to start work in the morning, "Have a good day at work so you can come back to me!" And that started to bother me as her coming on too strong and me needing space. Also, her weight started to bother me when it shouldn't have and I know I'm being very ugly and piggish for feeling that she was unattractive for being as heavy as she was, even though I didn't have a problem at first with it. Also, I kept going back to a quote that a girl I had a few dates with, who was also bisexual, told me about not dating heavy girls, "I can't date fat girls. Fat girls SUCK YOUR SOUL! They just latch onto you and don't let go."

So Thursday night we're talking on the phone and I start to feel anxiety about going out the next day and that I was feeling boxed in. She kept assuring me that it would be ok, that we could go slower, and that we were just flirting and getting to know each other, and that she didn't think that anything had happened, even the phone sex, that was too soon or forward. I told her that I just felt really uncomfortable and that I needed to go, and that I would let her know tomorrow how I felt about going out on Friday.

On a side note, I've always felt all thumbs at times when it comes to dating. Like there is a list of rules or a book to go by that everyone else has, but I don't. When something is too soon, when it's just flirting or more, what should happen when, and so on. Her telling me that the texting and the phone sex was just flirting made me feel weird because it felt like something that folks who were dating already should be doing, and that wasn't the case.

Friday morning comes, and I sleep in because I have off of work. I get up and start to do my running around for the day, and I'm getting phone calls from her that I let go to voice mail. "Hey, just seeing how you are and if we're still on for tonight," "Hey, I'm doing some errands soon and I haven't heard from you. I just want to know if we're still going out so I know what I'm going to do tonight." Finally, I send her a text that I can't go out, I'm still feeling anxious, even though at the time I felt fine. I would have been FINE going to see her that night, but now I just didn't want to. I said in the text I couldn't go because I was still feeling anxious and there was a lot in my head I needed to sort out, that I was sorry for having this baggage, but I need to be by myself. She kept texting me to just call her, for her sake, so she could talk to me. So, I called her, and she said, "It'll be ok, just come out tonight, or I could meet you and we could do something simple, nothing huge, and we can go slower. We're not going to know if things can move forward and we click or if we're better off as friends or going our separate ways until we meet." And I just shut down, I told her no, I couldn't go, and she wanted to know if that meant just for tonight or ever, and I told her I didn't know. "This keeps feeling like something is wrong with ME, that I did something," she said, and I told her no, it was me, it was all me.

And I hung up and thought, "YEAH! We don't have to go out tonight and interact with a living human being!" Immediately I felt horrible and wanted to cry because I was so shitty to someone who was so nice and sweet who thought this was all her fault and I was fine with her thinking that. The last guy, I should mention, that she had dated suddenly pulled up stakes and ran off after they had been out a few times and hadn't given any indication to her, she told me, of feeling uncomfortable. So I went home, bought some fast food, gobbled it down, climbed into bed at around 5 PM, and just slept through the night. I had a friend text me to see if I wanted to go out and my dad even texted me to wish me good luck on my date that night, and I just ignored all of it.

So now it's the next day. I'm wondering if I should even try dating after all that and do more work on myself, and if I should even contact this person and explain what happened. I just feel disconnected and not wanting to touch this at all because it feels bad and makes me realize that I'm this shitty human being that is afraid of intimacy and being treated well and that I'm unattractive.

Thoughts? Ideas? Let me know.

[remarks]

Wow, there's so much I can relate to here. I should say that I'm happily married now, but just over five years ago I was pretty much in your shoes. I felt terrible about myself and the way I judge women. Honestly, if I was still single today, I would still have those feelings.

Some things to think about:

1) As Paul often says on the podcast, we cannot control our thoughts. So don't beat yourself up over what you think about people. It's not like you set out to feel that way, that's just how you feel.

2) I know the feeling of urgency. It feels like the rest of the world is happily partnered up and you are stuck alone with the leftovers to choose from. This feeling comes from society. Look at TV and movies, where everyone finds their true love before 30. Look at reality, where millions of single people past 30 are looking for love and half the marriages end in divorce.

3) Remember that a date is not the same as a marriage. Meaning, you can go to dinner with a girl a few times and there's no commitment. Don't be afraid to try. Just because you guys hang out and talk dirty doesn't mean you are stuck together for life. Sometimes women give this impression that they are ready to commit faster than we want, but remember it takes two to commit to a relationship. You have 50% of the say in this.

4) You don't have to tell everyone who or when you are dating. You don't even have to call it a date. You don't have to play by the rules that it appears society has set.

5) You can still live happily ever after. I know it's hard to believe now, but in five years (or more) you could be happily married to the woman of your dreams. That doesn't mean you have to find her today or date down, but you do have to put yourself out there.

I don't know if any of this helps. I hope it does. I really feel for where you are in life right now. Just know it won't always be this way.

[Joe]

You're definitely not alone when it comes to having trouble dating. I'm 25 and have been dating, with very mixed results, for the last few years. I have the opposite problem of you with fear of commitment and actually over commit too soon. I'm very conscious of it and deliberately put the brakes on myself and try not to make her feel uncomfortable. Some advice I could share from my own experience:

-Avoid expectations. We are all hoping for something and expectations usually just lead to disappointment.

-Online dating has a lot of pros and I've had limited success with it, but I've never heard a good story out of craigslist. There are a lot more sites out there, even free ones.

-Online pics can be deceiving, most of the time in bad ways but sometimes people look even better in real life.

-Sometimes dates that feel like they went really well just don't turn into second dates for some reason (this is a recurring trend with me).

-You can't control when you're going to meet someone that works with you. Some of the best relationships have happened to me at the most inopportune times.

-For me dating unsuccessfully is better than being alone, so just keep trying... and trying... and trying.