Can't think/stupid

[Squash]

I'm 22 and in my sophomore year of university after spending 3.5 years in community college to transfer. I took a year off between CC and university to work. Now that I'm in school again I'm realizing that I can't think. I can't form complex thoughts or understand a lot of what is going on in my classes. I used to write but I can't anymore because I just hate it as soon as I write anything or I hate myself. I just feel incredibly stupid all of the time. I don't talk in class because every time I have, stupid irrelevant shit comes out of my mouth and then I feel dumb as soon as I'm quiet again. I can't concentrate on my readings for class. I listen in class or sit in the dining hall and listen to people's conversations and they're all incredibly smart and talking about interesting things and engaging in their learning and I'd love to do that and I'd love to understand but I just can't. Sometimes I realize that my brain is just completely blank, no thoughts at all, and that terrifies me. It's extremely scary because I've been going to school my whole life and I really don't know how to do anything but academic work. But now I just feel incredibly unintelligent.

I tried looking back to see maybe when this started, when I stopped being able to think clearly and complexly. I wondered if it was congruent to my depression developing more strongly. Instead I realized that I wasn't "lucid" or aware of the world around me in a clear way until I was maybe 13 or 14. I was never good at interacting with other people or knowing how to hold a conversation or react quickly/intelligently to things people say. When I was younger than that I was simultaneously unaware of the people around me/the world and events in life and myself in regards to them. I don't know if that's weird or not. Most people I've talked to remember being lucid much younger than that.

It makes me wonder whether I've always been unintelligent and everyone was just too nice and didn't want to hurt my feelings by telling me I was stupid, and I'm only now realizing it in a setting that's far more unforgiving and advanced.

I'd just like my brain back!

[Camp4]

You used the words congruently, simultaneously, and lucid in your description of your problems. Your writing is good. You can clearly communicate your message with zero to minimal spelling and grammar errors, and use a few intelligent words to boot. And I bet you weren't even trying. Don't be so hard on yourself. I've read many posts that show instantly the level of writing proficiency someone has, and yours doesn't reveal bad writing. If anything, it is just simple effective writing to convey a message. What more do you want? Are you aiming to be a writer of some kind?

School doesn't come easy. It actually gets harder the older you get. I'm 30 going back to school. Taking physiology right now. The 20 year old who sits next to me is absorbing the material without trying, while I have to study a lot outside of class.

Do your best, what more can you do?

[kitkat]

It doesn't sound like you're stupid at all! First, it sounds like you're very hard on yourself, and second it sounds like you just have trouble concentrating, which is super common. I'm not a doctor or anything, but have you tried looking in to ADD or the like with a doctor? If that's what you have, they might be able to help. It also sounds like you don't speak up because you're afraid of what you'll say, and the more you stay silent, the worse you feel about yourself. It might help to take a deep breath and relax before you answer questions in class, and the more you speak up, the easier it will get.

I have similar troubles when I have to speak, due to my social anxiety. It's sort of feels like my brain just shuts off when I have to reply to something on the spot. I'm not sure if it's the same for you, but I have been getting slowly better with practice. You can do it.

And, like Camp4 mentioned, school really isn't taught in a way that works for everyone. You may just learn differently. I mean, if you're a hands on learner, and all your classes are lectures, of course you're not going to retain that. There's that Einstein quote, “Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.” Remember that you're not stupid, you just need to find a way that works for you.

[emptyburden]

Hi Squash, I know exactly how you feel. I am mid-semester right now and have an impossible time focusing. Reading your post actually made me jealous of how coherently you expressed your thoughts. I feel completely braindead as I slowly climb out of a Depression with the help of CBT and a new prescription.

Your remarks about not having lucid thoughts before you were thirteen or so really resonated with me. I can't remember much of my childhood. I also have been a silent observer of conversations for much of my life. I have had breaks in which I was capable of coming up with something half interesting or funny to say but they are few and far between. I am an empty husk without a cultural reference at my disposal, no quips about a movie I saw because I can't recall any instance from it. The Depression has convinced me that I am just dull and will never amount to anything.

I am in the midst of my second undergrad. The first seemed to pass with greater ease. Perhaps it is just that I'm older (nearly 30) and more aware of the inherent meaninglessness of collecting degrees like badges. I just take it one day at a time and reward myself for completing small tasks (like tying my shoes). I am afraid (or a semblance of fear as feeling is some vague notion that only others are capable of) that I will fail this semester if I don't "smarten up" and get it together. Back to staring at articles. . .

[buttdisease]

I can relate completely! I often feel like I'm "blank", like my head is an empty box. I listen to other peoples' conversations more than I participate. Why bother saying anything when everything that comes out of my mouth is stupid or boring or otherwise utterly unstimulating? Why doesn't my mind have a vast well of conversation fodder? Things that STICK OUT to me and stimulate me? Why is my dumb brain so empty and boring? Why do my friends even bother to hang out with me? Is it out of charity? Do they feel sorry for me?


Things have gotten better for me though. I find that the more you worry about being empty, boring, slow, and unstimulating, the worse your cognitive functions actually get. If you think you suck, you'll feel and act like you suck. There are studies on this. The more you worry about your ability to think lucidly, the less you'll actually experience the present moment and truly absorb things in a way that you can lucidly reflect upon. Worrying about being less lucid in itself makes you less lucid and present.


I was about your age when I started having these thoughts and feelings. I'm 27 now and feel much better about myself and my life. I've been in relationships with some pretty intelligent women who held prominent positions in their fields. I wasn't as dumb and "blank" and hopeless as I thought I was. I bet you aren't either.


Also, listening to podcasts has helped me. Being able to live vicariously through other people for an hour can give me a new perspective to view my life and social situations through. It can also help with having interesting conversation topics handy when talking to people.