Married for a very long time but am scared, confused

[CosM129]

Hi
I have been married 15 years been together 17+
I am so scared and confused because I don't feel like our relationship is in a good place because were
not talking about our lives in a deeper level as to what we want, need, deal-breakers, etc

The last time was when we fought because i wanted to leave my job but it got so intense we backed off, and now I am at a point where I am still
off work but am getting disability and I am freaking out because i don't know when i will have to go back to work, or if i really want to and i may be forced to

let alone dealing with real married life issues.
I am saying if i wanted to leave I am not in a position to do so right now, were not financially stable where would i go
I love my husband though and I want more from life than this surface stuff! he says that he loves me
but I am very very concerned because of not communicating --- Mainly I am concerned because how can he really be happy with someone like me??
I am not responsible, stable, decisive, I have gained more weight, I LIE, I don't go out, I have NO friends, I don't grow, I don't think very well, I'm lazy, I'M SCARED AND PATHETIC AND SLOPPY WHAT IS THERE TO LOVE
Are we both staying because of being scared to leave because of what we have built up our house and stuff, our history. we don't have children but he wants them still at our age
ANY thoughts here, why does he want to stay with me what do i do