Happy new year from the basement

[Powerpac]

From the basement of my 88year old parents house, on this last hour of 2011. In the past 3months my career ended, moved from a major city to the middle of no where with no connections, to my parents basement, all I can afford.

The formality of this first christmas back home was met with the warm cozy feelings tha tony come with my sister telling me on Xmas morning that I look sick and she's never seen me look so bad, ever. Last night, my brother, who won't touch anything I touch food wise (because all gays have AIDS and thats the way you te it in his world), gave me a box of travel size, dollar store Corn Flakes as a belated Xmas gift. We speak once every two years. I'm hoping the insincere thank you followed by my gift of a two year old, unopened box of chocolate mints was a fair exchange and will do us for communicating for the next two years.

In four days I go for an assessment for possible ECT treatment as I'm clinically non responsive to anti depressants.

So the question is, how to not respond with "fuck off" when someone says happy new year to me tomorrow .

Happy? I mean ...really? The only light at the end of the tunnel is that the Mayan calendar prediction is correct!

[dare i say it]

I know that feeling. It's intensely painful, and lonely. It can get better. Even when we have no idea how it could ever get better (especially then!) it can.

[Powerpac]

today I was told to no longer have contact with my extended family here, and my one "support" member who had been on my side has chose to defend the cause of the other family members and ask me to stop trying to reach out for support from them. I am now alone in this terribly dark place. I am comfortable with my choice to wrap life details up and do what I must do. It simply must be that for some of us, it simply doesn't get better.

I know that Paul talks about this not being a doctors office. I've gone that route, and frankly, going through ETC therapy without any support, family friends, left to my own, without resources. I don't see that as being an option to change my circumstances.

We all don't get what we need. I apologize if that sounds like self pity. If it is, then so be it. As I've been reminded on a daily basis, I am less that human, look like shit, and have done nothing but case trouble in an attempt to reach out.
Had I reached out, had it reciprocated, and thus became draining of relationships I could get it. But when family and friends simply refuse to be available from the get go, then even I can't be accused of being an emotional vampire.

And so, it doesn't have to get better. It has to be ok to know that for awhile life was tolerable, and now no longer so.

[cyanidebreathmint]

I'm sorry the people in your life refuse to show you the love you deserve, Powerpac. You don't sound self pitying. You sound tired.

Send me a message here if you need someone to talk to. I don't like the sounds of "do what I must do."

[dare i say it]

I'm sorry if you found my words irritating. That was not my intention. I have some idea what it's like to not get support from friends or family when you're going through hell. In my family there's a lot of, "he's just got a bad case of the poor-me's." (The only thing he's suffering from is self-pity.) I've come back a bit from the depths of my depression, but it still doesn't sit right with me that so few people understand just how much pain I've been through.

I stand by what I said in my previous post. At the same time, I'm willing to listen to (almost*) anything you need to say. The only exceptions are:
1. that you intend to commit suicide, and
2. any discussions whatsoever of specific methods of attempting suicide, be they hypothetical or ones you've previously used.

The forum rules aren't very specific on that topic, but maybe they should be. There are people who are specifically trained to have that kind of discussion, but I'm not one of them. I'm so sorry if that feels like I'm trying to cut you off from fully expressing what you need to express. I know how much it adds to the pain when you feel like you can't tell people about it. Still, those are the boundaries I need to set for my own well-being. To supplement what this forum can offer you, try finding a mental health professional you can open up to, or try one of these: http://psychcentral.com/lib/2007/common ... e-numbers/ or go here: http://www.befrienders.org/ . Best wishes from a fellow sufferer.

[manuel_moe_g]

I admire you, Powerpac, because your situation is much worse than anything I have went through. You are going through a biological process called depression, and such is our primitive society that you are being kicked hardest when you are already down and defenseless. I hope your "life force" makes it impossible for you to take your life, because everything else has let you down - I let you down too, because I am inadequate to help you. Take care. See you again, soon, I hope.

[dare i say it]

I found some really amazing videos today and I wanted to share them with everyone. The descriptions are not my words. They come from a free email newsletter I get.

1. If You’re Contemplating Suicide, This is for You http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LL40Zbn- ... e=youtu.be
With nothing but words and a webcam, a YouTuber launched an incredibly powerful anti-suicide message last summer. Angel Haze is a gifted rapper and this piece is moving, eloquent, and relatable. Her humble homemade social video reaches out to the lonely, the disenfranchaised, and the depressed, in an unforgettable way that doesn’t need expensive video production or tricks. With over 100,000 views this video was viral for a while – let’s reignite that spark. Keep sharing. This is a video that really helps people. Warning: coarse language. (00:04:12)

2. The Full Story – Soften the Fck Up http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v9Ok51N2 ... e=youtu.be
Men’s mental health is the focus of this video, part of a media campaign out of Australia. From a country known for its exceptional mental health advocacy, this stands above the pack. A simple, direct, and hard-hitting video: ordinary men sharing personal stories of mental health problems and recovery. Tough guys show their vulnerabilities and encourage other men to do the same. Unflinching. F’n awesome! Warning: coarse language. (00:07:23)