Can't open my toolbox

[Nevina]

I feel like I'm hitting some sort of bottom. Not externally - I have a steady, good job and a home and family and pets. But mentally, I'm worse off than I ever have been. I've actually had the urge to cut myself. That's so weird to me, I'm 38 years old! I've never done that before, and the only time prior that I've felt the urge was when I was stuck in an abusive relationship over ten years ago. I haven't done it and I don't think I will. But the anxiety and the addiction voices are so constant I just...

The Universe has presented so much amazing help to me over the past few years. I know WHAT I can do to help myself. I have learned so many great things that would help that I've probably forgotten more of them than I remember. But in a way, that is making things worse because it contributes to my feeling overwhelmed, which paralyzes me further. I have so many tools, but I can't get the toolbox open. I had a mock therapy session in my brain and my therapist told me to just pick ONE tool to start with. Don't try to fix everything at once. And I'm doing that - I'm going to a yoga class in six hours. If I can find my shorts and cut my toenails. Haha, no, I think I'll go even if I have to wear slacks and have gross feet because I am excited about it. I hope it's something I can motivate myself to do regularly because it would help me physically (I have terrible back pain and my muscles are chronically tense from anxiety) and mentally. I need some sort of mindfulness practice in my life and meditation isn't happening. But I still feel like.... aaaaahhh going to yoga doesn't get my past due bills paid and my house cleaned and get me in the shower and out to fun times with friends or stop the cravings for alcohol or other mind-altering substances.

I want it all fixed right now. I am just so tired. So tired of the constant chatter of my brain telling me how useless I am.

I need to replace my chemical addictions with something healthy, but I don't know what. Or rather, I have too many ideas. But most of them are things I can't do at night and that's when the cravings are worst.

I'm so scared that I'll love the yoga class but never go back, as I've done several times in the past, because the effort to get there is too great. I don't have a car, I have to walk a mile to get there and my back pain is so debilitating. I don't have spinal disc problems, it's all muscular, so I know the yoga will HELP the back pain if I stick with it for even a little while. How am I even so sure I'm going to go in six hours? Simply because I purposefully prepaid for the class? No. I've thrown away so much money on concerts and other things I couldn't motivate myself to actually go to.

I need to start keeping a notebook of all the ideas and motivational thoughts and books and epiphanies I've come across lately. But it'll be missing all of the ones I've already forgotten. So part of me thinks, why even try?

My psych asked me at my last session if I was having any suicidal feelings, and for the first time ever I had an answer other than 'no'. I'm not feeling suicidal. But I'm feeling...pre-suicidal. Like, if things got much worse, it could tip me over the edge. Like the daily struggle is just starting to feel no longer worth it. If I tip over that edge, if I go to the hospital, I will jeopardize my job, my apartment, everything that actually IS working.

Is it a good use of my time to read this forum or listen to the podcast or watch motivational videos online if I never bother to act on anything I'm learning?

[Nevina]

Well, I found a pair of shorts and a t-shirt I can wear to yoga. It's a small step but it's still a step. Before I found them I was searching through my various piles of clothes and whispering "Fuck you then, you won't go." So every single thing I said in the above post is still true. Heh.

[Herself]

So, did the class make you feel any better? Was it worth going?

[Nevina]

Short answer: yes!

Long answer (mostly for myself so I can document how I feel): It was the same as every other time I've taken a class - I felt like I was going to DIE during it (even though it was a beginner's class) and afterward I felt really great physically and mentally. On the way there, I walked four blocks and then took a bus for the last eight blocks because my back was completely uncooperative. It was physically difficult to put one foot in front of the other. Afterward, I caught the bus home but got off too early so I walked eight blocks home. My back felt fine for the first four blocks, and only slightly sore for the next three, and very bad for the last block. So, my muscles CAN relax even if only for a short while.

I took a nap after writing the earlier post, and when I woke up I just did NOT want to move. I sat around trying to motivate myself to shower and brush my teeth and gather the stuff I needed to take. Finally it was too late to do any of that and I felt the old "Well, might as well stay home now." But I decided that just going was more important than arriving in perfect condition. No one was going to judge me harshly for having dirty hair and rumpled clothes. Well, maybe they would in their own mind, but so what.

I KNOW that if I can get myself to do this regularly, it will benefit me in so many ways. That's not even a question. And it would help me feel better about myself to stick with something instead of getting all excited for a week and then quitting as usual. My impulse is to try to go to a class every day - which SEEMS like expecting too much of myself and setting myself up for failure, but with the way my mind works, I think making it a habit would facilitate it better than deciding three days per week. Or even one day per week. That makes it too easy to say "Oh, there are four days left in the week, I don't need to go today" and then feeling rushed and pressured and down on myself at the end of the week. If I can just make it something I "do", it might even satisfy the addiction circuits in my brain. So that's where I'm at. Unfortunately, the couple of beginner classes I feel I can manage at this stage do not happen every day. I'll see what I can do.

[RationalMuse]

Your first post sounds like you were in my head! If that is the case I am sorry - it is messy in there. Sometimes I wish I could say I didn't know better and that is why I have landed back in the swamp. I too have a pretty full tool box and "know" the "right" things to do to feel better, get healthy, but none of them were there when I stayed in bed until past noon and missed a doctor's appointment or when I got stuck playing Jet Pack Joy Ride instead of actually eating anything until 2 pm. I know exercise, regular meals, journaling, not over sleeping and dwelling are all part of the solution - the BUT is that something inside me, like a petulant child that doesn't want to eat my Brussel sprouts or liver says I deserve to do whatever I want to feel better. I was exhausted just reading how much work you put into just getting to yoga class - I am proud of you because I know the "getting there" is a big part of the battle. Have you gone back a second time? I am going to try to start with walking my dog every day. It sounds so basic, but another part of me feels like it is like climbing a mountain.

Hear's to trying to keep the tool box unlocked and handy, even if you get the wrong one, sometimes something is better than nothing.

[Nevina]

RationalMuse, sounds like we're sharing brainspace! Everything in your post also sounded like it came from my own head. Except for the having-a-dog part. My cats are enough. But believe me, I know how "just" walking the dog can feel like climbing a mountain. It's CLIMBING THE MOUNTAIN OF OUR OWN THOUGHTS! hehe I've known people who have no physical disability, only depression or bipolar, who have service dogs for just that reason. Having a dog means you can't hole up in the house for weeks at a time.

Nope, haven't been back to yoga. Of course I feel like a worthless piece of shit because of that. But I'm still determined, because I know it will help in multiple ways. I paid for three classes up front with a two-week expiration. Tomorrow is the last day to use up my last two classes. Hrm.

But I'll keep adding things to my toolbox, in the hopes that someday it'll be so full it'll just burst open and force me to use the items inside. And hopefully I can avoid the broken tools of drugs and alcohol. As I sit here drinking a beer. Oops.

[RationalMuse]

Nevina, I totally get the pressure if deadlines, like the expiry date of the yoga classes. We think that an expiry date or a deadline will help with motivation to do something that we intellectually know is going to help us, but isn't something that necessarily is something we want to do. I am hoping my dog will be motivation enough to actually exercise as a routine. I KNOW his critical it is, but exercise has always been something I hate. There was a stretch in 1997/98 when I was getting my teaching degree when I went to the university weight/gym several times and used the treadmill and even did weights. That is probably the last time (except for dog walking) that I have had an exercise routine, other than the routine to avoid going. This week my goals are to not sleep in excessively, eat breakfast and lunch even though I am home alone, make dinner for the family 4 out of 5 nights and pick up my youngest from after school care instead of making my husband do it on the way home. Walking the dog goes without saying. If you want someone to exercise at home at the same time as you or to help each other with "What tool did you use today?" we could start a thread sort of as a day to day journal of little accomplishments - because sometimes the little ones are all we got! Here is to a better week ahead.

[Nevina]

Those are some ambitious goals! Good luck, I hope you can achieve as many as possible and not beat yourself up if you aren't perfect. I freaking hate exercise. My back is bad so walking/jogging are out. When I go to the gym I just really have no idea what to even do, and I can't afford to hire a trainer. I think I WILL like the yoga class if I can get in the habit of going, but it's still daunting to even get there when it hurts to walk. Of course, less effective but still better than nothing would be to do some stretching/yoga at home. I really like your idea of a 'exercise partner' on the forum, and a thread to post what tools we did use to feel better that day. It's good to recognize our accomplishments. I wonder if there's already a thread like that... if not, I may start one, or feel free to do so yourself!

[misseff]

I also feel like I know what to do to help myself - I've been to cognitive behavioural therapy group sessions, I've been in counselling for a year - but can't get up the energy to do it Plus, I feel too overwhelmed by how many different things I could be doing that I don't know where to start. Good for you for picking one and setting goals - yoga really helps me too but it is expensive. And if I don't go to class I can't seem to motivate myself to do it at home. I am a master procrastinator and I get overwhelmed and tell myself I "have no time" for some of the practices that really could help me - but I know if I just did it instead of sitting around worrying about it, I would have time.

I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels they have the tools but is having trouble accessing them - thanks.

[MizLzie]

I am a master procrastinator and I get overwhelmed and tell myself I "have no time" for some of the practices that really could help me - but I know if I just did it instead of sitting around worrying about it, I would have time.

Oh hey there, having fun hanging out in my brain?