Dealing with cutting off toxic family

[littlecat]

Hi,
I am new here. I am struggling with trying to cut off my very toxic family.

This is the hardest thing I have done. I think it might be worse than the actual abuse...sort of...

I come from a very enmeshed family where my father has narcissistic personality disorder and my mother is very co-dependant and passive aggressive. My brother has become a mini version of my father. They have used me my whole life as their dumping ground for their rage, sadness, shame and I have been their parent for all three of them. They treat me like shit, I am the family scapegoat. The crazy thing is that even though that this is no good for me, and I have lost so much of my life to them and their needs, I still feel horribly guilty about cutting them off. I am trying but the guilt is crushing.

Anyone have any experience and or advice with this?

Thanks

[Churble]

I've been there. Obviously not exactly the same situation, but similar. My parents belittle me, I'm fat, I'm ugly, I'm not a good mother, family bonding time involved everyone making fun of me and then telling me I was taking myself too seriously when I cried. I wrote about it a little more in depth on the Childhood board, so I'll spare the details, but needless to say, it was extremely toxic. I understand the frustration of knowing you should cut these people out of your life and that you should be happy to be rid of them, but you can't, because it's not that easy, because despite what they've done, they're still family. For me it was coupled with the fact that while my parents were terrible parents, they'd always been good grandparents to my son. So I tried for a long time to overlook what they'd done to me because they made him happy. The last straw came when I was dropping my son off before school (they were my pre and post school childcare) and trying to give him instructions for what he needed to do after school and my mother wouldn't stop interrupting me. I finally told her that I could handle it, I was his mother, and her response was "not when he's here you're not". That did it. I realized that no matter how nice they were to him, they were still downplaying me as his mother and teaching him that in their house I don't matter.

I understand how hard it is to cut your family out. It's excruciating, and it takes a long time to even begin to feel good about it. But over time it does happen, the balance does shift and eventually the improved feelings about yourself because you're finally free of people reminding you to feel bad outweigh the guilt. When that scale tips, you really will feel better, I promise. It just takes time. If you have a therapist I recommend talking to them about what you're doing, they should be able to help you with the coping skills you'll need to make it a little easier. And if you don't have a therapist, I recommend you try to find one, it really could help.

[oak]

I am glad you are here, and I thank you for your honesty.

I can't offer much advice, but know that you are not alone. I send hugs.

[shanarchy]

My family is not very toxic, but just enough to drive me crazy...LOL

What I do is only interact with them around once a month, either by talking with them on the phone or going to visit them.
My sister cut her relationship with our Mom almost completely. She says she hates her which I think is enough reason to not be involved in one another's life.

I wish things were different, but they're not and I can only do my best at any given time.
For the time being, I've decided to keep things at around once per month with my family and my husband's family.

I know I am the one with anxiety issues. For this, I don't blame them (or myself). But, knowing this helps me have a genuine reason to keep a distance in my relationship with them. Regarding my husbands family, I can't be with them more than around 4 times per year, but I encourage him to talk to them and visit them as often as he likes and even more. He doesn't have the issues I have and it's healthy for him to share with them.

Hope this helps. Take care and don't be afraid to put yourself first.

[littlecat]

Thank you everyone for what you wrote. I really helps to know that I am not alone with the crazy making family.

The deeper I dig in therapy and the more I read about emotional incest, the more I realize that the only way I am going to get better is to walk away from them. It is a scary and sad choice. I feel like it is the only way for me to heal and become a whole separate person...it is so comforting to have a community that I can reach out to and not get judged.

Thanks!