How much do you share?

[kitkat]

I'm curious. How honest are you with your family/friends/loved ones about your illness/troubles?

Many of my friends don't know I have a problem. My family doesn't really talk about it. When i go to my psychiatrist i say i have a doctors appointment. People mostly ask when I'll be off my pills. My boyfriend is caring about it, but also tells me there is nothing wrong with me and I know it makes him uncomfortable to think of me like that since he has had to see me at my worst and I'm sure it wasn't easy. Recently he saw the mentalpod site on my browser and asked what it was and said it was a place for people with mental illness and he said I shouldn't be so hard on myself and that I am not that bad and whatnot. So I tell him things, probably the most, but I still don't want to make him uncomfortable, so sometimes I hesitate to tell him my depressing thoughts, etc. I want to go to the mentalpod meetup in November, and still don't know how to bring up what it is without making people uncomfortable.

So, again, I am wondering how other people deal with this. Do all your friends know? Is it open or awkward? Do people treat you differently if they know? How did you tell them? Do you hold certain things back?

[manuel_moe_g]

I don't know if my experience would help you. I have a "fuck it" attitude, and I refuse to be ashamed of my mental illness and I take no steps to hide it or try to spare people from feeling uncomfortable. This is mainly because I felt so let down by the world that when I had my breakdown at age 25 that I was angry at the world to the degree that I didn't care about other's opinions. I am not angry anymore, but my attitude of not caring and not hiding is the same.

Whatever you decide for yourself, we support you, because you are the expert on your own experience! Please take care, cheers!

[kitkat]

Ahh, I wish I could be like that! I do get angry and have a fuck it attitude only before or after something happens. In the moment I am too overwhelmed by embarrassment to not care, haha. Also, when I was first diagnosed, my mom promised not to tell people so I wouldn't feel weird, and now it's been so long that I don't even know who knows and it seems weird to admit to having this problem after so long of glossing around it. Openning up is haaaaaard. :B

Thank you for your amazing support, it means a lot

[shanarchy]

Hi kitkat!

This reminds me of the 5th step of the 12-step program from AA.
Through-out history and different cultures, being honest has been of great help to get better.
Some examples are what Catholics do by confessing and what patients do with psychiatrists, psychologists and therapists.

In my case, my family are the kind of people who prefer not to know since they can't handle the truth.
So, I spare them the details.

To my dear husband, I tell him a whole lot. He knows the most.
He listens to me, although not always very attentively (lol...maybe it's for the best).

I don't have traditional friends as I did when I was little.
The friends or people I've known for many years are mostly too busy now a days.

Some people have come into my life that I consider friends, but it's a whole new form of friendship.
It's not the kind to go hang-out, it's more like people who care about me and I care about them.
For those people, I want to be of help when they need me, even if it's just a laugh or a hug (even a virtual one) and they reciprocate me.
When I need to let something out, I tell those in that last category.
How much I disclose is a tricky question to answer.
I guess it depends on how much I feel I need to let out.

Keeping negative feelings inside for too long actually makes me sick.
So, I try not to foster them too long, or else they grow needlessly.

kitkat, I think you'll just have to try and see how your loved ones respond.
What does your gut instinct tell you?
Do you feel you need to tell them some specific things?
If it's just letting your loved ones know about the Mentalpod meetup, I believe you have nothing to worry about.
Maybe they'll show a bit of concern or apprehension, but that's okay. It might be a good thing for your boyfriend and family to go through those feelings to get to know what's going on with you.

[weary]

Hi kitkat.

I have a lot of problems with guilt and shame. I have a hard time sharing certain feelings and thoughts with anybody. And I grew up with a family that was very judgmental, and thought that therapy and antidepressants were for people who were crazy, or weak, or just "sick". I had to overcome a lot of shame and fear to first seek treatment, with medication and then therapy, for being really overwhelmed, depressed and anxious. I am still not "out of the closet" about it to very many people. My wife knows, obviously (sometimes it seems like all we talk about are our issues and our various therapy appointments...). I go to a therapy group in addition to individual therapy, and that has been a blessing because it is one of the first times I have had multiple friends that I can confide in not only about being in therapy but also about all of the issues that put me there. Most of my other friends, family have no idea. On the outside, I project this image of being the good guy who has his shit together, who doesn't need anything from anyone, who is reliable and dependable and strong. Years of trying to live up to that image is why I'm screwed up and in therapy in the first place. But it is still hard to be vulnerable and admit my problems and that I am seeking help for them to others. I can talk to one of my two sisters about it, but that came about mainly because she started talking to me about her therapy and her antidepressants and I needed to come clean about mine, partially just to support her and make her feel less alone.

I do feel better when I can be honest and authentic and vulnerable to people. When I can drop the facade and just be me, warts and all. I just don't usually feel safe enough with people to do that. I have a lot of acquaintances and casual friends but not a lot of close friends, because in general that level of trust is difficult for me.

I wish there was something other than "mental illness" to call it, because it's not like we all have diseases and we're sick. And compared to whom? I've never met a "normal" person in my life. Neurodiversity is a term that is sometimes used in talking about, for example, the autistic spectrum, and I think that concept is a little more inclusive. Everybody (not just the people who are seeking therapy or on medication) has brains that work a different way, on the biochemical level or the neurological level, and has feelings, thoughts actions that they like and ones they don't. Different people are different. Just because one person reacts or functions a different way doesn't make them bad or less than. That's what I love about this board. So many different, interesting people struggling with so many different, interesting problems. But we are all people underneath, and we have a lot in common.

Sorry, got off on a bit of a rant there (I can go on and on, can't I). Kitkat, Shanarchy is right... go with your gut. People will either judge you or accept you and in the end, you can't control that. Even though I feel like a hypocrite for saying it because it is so fucking hard for me, at the end of the day, if you are as honest and vulnerable and authentic as you can handle being to as many people as you can, you will probably have a better day/week/life.

[kitkat]

Thank you guys, you really have given me a lot to think about. I feel ashamed a lot, but this board is always so welcoming, it's always a bit shocking.

Shanarchy,
I do always feel better after seeing my psychiatrist, like a sort of honesty high, even if I am not completely honest or able to explain how I'm feeling. 45 minutes per month is not a lot of time to let it all out, I think. That and it usually takes me a bit to "warm up" my honesty.

I'm not sure how much my family wants to know. My mom asks about it sometimes, but you can tell she's trying to be careful about it. She doesn't think I need meds and most of the time she'll tell me I have low blood sugar and not panic attacks. I do have low blood sugar, but I can tell the difference between needed some orange juice and wanting to crawl out of my skin. The rest of my immediate family doesn't mention it unless I do, but I usually only do to make a joke out of it because I can't talk about it naturally. Mostly people tell me, "don't worry, you're not that bad," which I know they mean well, but what I hear is just them dismissing it or like they don't want to accept that I have a problem I am dealing with. I sort of want a brain scan I could show them to go, "HERE, this is the problem."

The sort of friendships you have now sound amazing. I think having someone who cares about you and who you can vent too is way more important than having someone to just hang out with. I only have the hang out variety and I would not even begin to know how to acquire that sort. You're very lucky.

As for my gut.. That's tricky. My gut is a very nervous thing, so it just wants me to hide in a hole and let the world sort it out. I wish there was a "mental health status" button on Facebook that I could just click and everyone would casually see it and I wouldn't have to say anything, and I wouldn't have to have any added attention or "make things about me." Talking about myself (outside of the internet) is haaard. I don't know if it's specific things, I just always feel like I'm wearing a mask or something, you know? Like I don't break down in front of people and I don't tell my problems without making a joke about it, I just don't let my guard down? I guess I want people to know me, but I don't know how to go about it.

I think you're right about the mentalpod meetup. It's kind of scary, but maybe it's a good stepping stone? As it is, I always get embarrassed and try to hide my mentalpod logo on my phone when someone comes in to the room when I'm listening to it. I need some baby steps.. *hugs*

weary,
First off, pleeeeease rant and ramble. I feel like I'm the only one who does sometimes, haha. That and you made some very good points. I guess I call it a mental illness because I don't know what else to call it, but maybe it does give people the wrong impression? It's like when I walk up to my psychiatrist's office and there is a sign outside the door that clearly says, "PSYCHIATRIST," I want to turn around to all the people in the area and go, "DONT WORRY, I AM NOT SICK OR WHATEVER." I know it's nothing to be embarrassed about, but there is that idea people have about it. Like, if they know, they don't know how to talk to you anymore unless they completely gloss over it and we never talk about it again. Mostly I can only talk about it myself when I'm making a joke about it, or if I mention it in passing and then brush it off and say, "I'm fine." I feel the most comfortable when people talk to me about it head on, but that rarely happens with the people who do know. My fiancee is pretty good about it, but mostly I know it makes him upset and I don't blame him. Once we were walking passed a mental health hospital and I made some joke like, "yep, that's where I should be," and he got kind of sad and upset and said, "don't say that." I didn't really mean it, and maybe I was looking for a bit of acknowledgement or something, but I guess it was a bad joke.

I guess maybe I want to talk about it, but I don't want to make people feel bad or differently about me? Maybe that's impossible.

I know completely what you mean about being that person who seems together. Or I at least try to act like that. I don't know how to be vulnerable with people or ask for help. If I had to ask for a psychiatrist, I would never have gotten it. The only reason I got one was because I went to the doctor after having all these panic attacks to see if there was anything physically wrong with me. The doctor, who I've known a long time, asked me if I was happy with my life, and it was kind of surprising, but all I could say was no, I wasn't happy. And she booked me a referral and prescribed me meds and that was that. If I'm in the middle of a panic attack, sure I can ask for help, but in the light of day, it was amazing I could actually admit I wasn't happy. And I only admitted it after my mom left the room. I guess it was a round about way of asking for help.

Being vulnerable and trusting people is the hardest thing. I always look at people who are open about themselves and think, "how did you even do that," and wish I could be like that, but I don't even know how, or I think I've been lying for too long to start. Coming clean to your sister so she would feel less alone was a very brave thing to do. I'm very impressed.

And you're so right about this board. I think I maybe take too much advantage of it. Something about it just feels very safe and, I don't know, like I can just spill my guts. Maybe that's why I post so much here, because I just feel like this is a purely safe place, you know? I worry about people I know somehow randomly finding this and figuring out who I am, but at the same time, a part of me is like, fuck it. But maybe that's why I'm nervous about bringing the podcast up with people? Like if they knew I listened to it, they'd automatically think to start searching thru the forum, trying to figure out which one is me. Even thru that, I still think I share the most honestly hear than anywhere else. And I think that would upset people the most, you know? Like, not that I am lying to people, but that I am opening up more with a forum than with people who are with me. It makes me feel very guilty, like they'd be disappointed in me. But, I mean, it's a lot easier admitting things to people who don't see you every day and whose facial reactions you don't have to see. I don't know if I'm more worried about disappointing people with my "mental illness" or disappointing them by being such a closed book. I can just imagine telling someone and them going, "how could you not tell me? don't you trust me? i thought we were close," or something like that, and BECAUSE we're close is exactly the problem. It's a catch-22, I guess.

Aaand, I've just rambled on as well, haha.

I think, maybe, my gut would be freer with less facades to keep up, though. I don't know. I think I might try to test the waters and see what develops. If I can get the courage. But at the end of the day, you're absolutely right, I can't control what people think of me. I need to accept that somehow. *hugs for you too*